Your Ex-Boyfriend Will Hate This (2015)

Chapter Twenty-One

Raze/Repair

To use a metaphor from the previous chapter, how do you distinguish a repairable building from one that needs razing?

The first step is to properly assess its existing state. In the same way that a faulty foundation can’t be fixed with a bit of duct tape and spackle, neither can wholesale changes in someone be effected with gentle encouragement and a few carefully placed promises of reward. A person is in many ways harder to fix than any building; a building doesn’t have to want to be repaired for change to happen. By contrast, people do require motivation, and their will can do or undo everything you envision.

Psychologists once believed that personality is, by and large, set by the age of thirty. For some of you, it wouldn’t give you much time to fix that dolt wasting away on your couch. For others, it means that you’re wasting your time completely. However, conventional wisdom on the subject of personality change has transformed recently. Here’s what psychologist Dr. Jan Goldfield says on the subject: “If you’re ready for change, you can make it happen.”[lxi]

Notice what the good doctor doesn’t say. She doesn’t say that everyone will change or even can. She says that those who are conscious of a desire to change and willing to act upon that desire are capable of change. Think about all of the New Year resolutions you’ve ever made. Now reflect on the almost infinitesimally small percentage that resulted in major changes of behavior. Rather than a knock on your willpower, it’s a reflection of how the majority operates, and I certainly count myself among that majority. If I had a dollar for every failed promise to eat better, or exercise more, or quit some vice or another, I’d have about two hundred and sixteen very disappointed dollars by now.

Your capacity to change shouldn’t be mistaken for your likelihood to do so. Keep this in mind when you envision any change in your romantic partner. Do you seek a reflection of your own qualities? If so, how wholesale a change does he require? (And if not, what changes are required for you to be less of a hypocritical jerk?) Try to compare your partner’s perceived major flaw against one of your own, choosing a defect that’s similarly entrenched. How hard would it be for you to “fix” the comparable trait in yourself, even under ideal circumstances?

It wouldn’t be too easy, would it?

Let’s look on the bright side for a moment. According to researchers Sanjay Srivastava and Oliver John of the University of California at Berkeley, not only does our personality change over time, it also changes more in adulthood than during childhood.[lxii] Theirs is a message of optimism for anyone who has ever lamented a seemingly insurmountable Achilles heel that he or she appeared powerless to overcome. These researchers have outlined a five-step plan to change:

#1 Figure out why change is needed.

We’re driven as much by the need to avoid pain as we are by the pursuit of pleasure. This instinct initiates many of our attempts to change. We get sick of suffering. We hate the way our bodies look, so we fight the impulse to overeat and change our diets. We get sick of always being broke, so we balance our checkbooks and become more frugal in our spending habits. We get sick of feeling tired and run down, so we begin to exercise.

Many of the big changes we make in our lives come from learning to forestall short-term pleasure for long-term good. The ability to do so is one of the primary steps toward adulthood. If these decisions represented only moral victories, no one would change, ever. It’s easy to accept or even embrace glaring flaws within ourselves when we’re young, seeing as we can’t imagine being any other way. As we get older, we start to see how our shortcomings can cripple not only our present but our future as well.

I didn’t change because I suddenly became a stronger or better person. I changed because I was sick of being unhappy and no longer able to deny the reasons for my unhappiness. Your reasons for changing anything in your own life were probably similarly self-motivated. There’s nothing wrong with using selfish motivations as the driving force behind change. The benefits of change aren’t only yours to enjoy. They usually benefit the people around you too.

#2 Pick something specific to change.

“I want to be a nicer person” is a laudable goal, but it isn’t easy to define and even harder to achieve. Imagine trying to fix a leak without any idea where it originated. All the good intentions in the world won’t stop the water from dripping. The same is true for changing anything about ourselves. Start with a smaller goal, such as “I want to be more agreeable at work.” It’s far simpler to examine the problem (“I don’t want to be known as the ‘office asshole’ anymore”) and thus easier to outline a strategy for relief. (“I need to be more patient with my co-workers’ incessant babbling and more tolerant of their stupidity.”)

The same is true when trying to change something about our romantic partner. If the problem is “I want him to be nicer to my girlfriends,” things are probably repairable. If it’s “I want him to be nice,” roll out the bulldozer. The building is most assuredly ruined.

#3 Allow time for changes to take place.

This is necessary for any changes you make for your own benefit, and it’s doubly true of any changes you ask of other people. It took a lifetime for your partner to become the way he is. If he doesn’t take an equal number of years to change, consider it progress. The time it takes for change to occur isn’t just a challenge for your partner. It’s a challenge for you called “patience,” and if you don’t have it, nothing will change. Your choices are patience or acceptance. Your eventual choice will reflect something about your own shortcomings in one or both of these key areas.

If you can’t be patient or accepting, at least be honest with yourself. There’s nothing wrong with admitting your own limitations and acting accordingly. There’s no nobility in continuing to suffer an untenable situation just because you’ve already invested a lot of time and energy in it. The fact that you’ve invested so much without seeing any improvement is exactly why you should leave. Sticking around is, to use my father phrase, just throwing more good money after bad.

I’ve met several people who continued to hang around in lousy relationships for no other reason than they’d already been in it for a long time.

“I can’t leave [Terrible Boyfriend X] now,” they protested. “I’ve put too much time in to quit now.”

Listening to this argument has always reminded me of a joke once told by the great film director, Woody Allen:

Two elderly women are eating dinner at a restaurant, when one of them remarks:

“Boy, the food at this restaurant is really terrible.”

“I know!” agrees the other. “And such small portions!”

Staying in a bad relationship is like demanding more of a terrible meal. Quality doesn’t improve with quantity. You just get extra helpings of shit.

#4 Demand accountability for change.

This is one area where you can be a positive influence for change. If your partner is committed to changing a specific behavior, you owe it to him to point out both his failings and his successes. Resistance to your involvement can indicate resistance to making the change at all. Resistance to your methods of censure or praise is a different issue. If that’s the problem, you may want to re-assess how you’re “helping.” If you’re being overly negative or demanding too much, too quickly, you’re more likely to cement the flaw than erase it.

That said, the impetus toward personal improvement is also a wonderful bonding opportunity for you and your mate. Employed appropriately, your influence can motivate your partner and help strengthen his resolve to change. His personal success in this matter becomes a shared victory, one that can exponentially strengthen your relationship.

#5 Look for other sources for change.

The researchers encourage seeking outside help to change your personality whenever possible. This is good advice whether we mean papers like the one published by Srivastava and John or the good book you’re currently reading. Any help you can get to assist you in correcting certain personality quirks is useful, whether it’s you or your partner who needs improvement. It’s probably more important for him, as few of us welcome the idea that we need correction in the first place. It won’t hurt to have a few experts on your side.

Another point brought up in the Srivastava and John paper isn’t terribly encouraging. The researchers discuss the extreme unlikelihood of change when the sole motivating factor is what another person wants. Their paper doesn’t differentiate who the other person is, either. Mother, partner, roommate, brother, girlfriend, sister—the relationship really doesn’t matter. Change not firmly motivated in the person trying to change is likely to be doomed. It’s less likely to take hold in the short-term and far less likely to be permanent. The researchers even go so far as to describe changes made for others as “unhealthy.”

Consider this for a moment, if you have some grand design for your romantic partner. Whatever changes you envision are unlikely to occur if:

· The changes are large in scale.

· The changes aren’t specific enough to be addressed in detail.

· You aren’t willing to be patient.

· You don’t provide a helpful influence.

· You aren’t willing to accept outside help. And, last but not least.

· He didn’t want to make the change for himself. (Seeing a pattern here?)

If you intend to “fix” a “broken” boyfriend, you’d better be sure repairs are even possible. If too much work is needed, you’re better off seeking better accommodations. Moreover, even if just a little requires your reparative expertise, you’d better be sure your boyfriend shares your views, or you’ll stare down disappointment and more than a little mutual resentment. As I noted earlier, buildings don’t need motivation to be repaired. Your boyfriend does.

In the next chapter, we’ll examine a popular myth that leads to relationship destruction almost as much as infidelity.