The Bingo Theory: A revolutionary guide to love, life, and relationships - Mimi Ikonn (2016)

Part V. Bingo Dating

A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO I was out shopping with my friend, Selina. It was a beautiful spring afternoon and we were sitting in a cafe talking about the guy that Selina had just started dating.

“He’s perfect,” she said. “He’s sweet, fun, spontaneous. We can talk for hours, but… I don’t know why, I just don’t feel any chemistry.”

“Is he good-looking?” I asked.

“Yes, he’s really good-looking! And so well dressed. He keeps getting me little gifts and he’s really into me … but it just doesn’t feel right.”

She took a sip of her mango smoothie and said, “Maybe it’s because he’s short …”

“You’ve gone out with other guys who are short and there was chemistry,” I said.

“So why do you think it isn’t working?” she asked me. “I’m 30. I want a relationship, and on paper this guy is everything I’d like but I just don’t feel it.”

I’ve had this conversation with countless single friends before. Both men and women talk about this moment when they meet a person who’s perfect—and yet they don’t feel it.

And I tell them why it’s not working. They’re going out with people who have the same energy. There is no polarity, no attraction.

Selina found a guy who was sweet, fun and spontaneous. Someone who could talk for hours and always looked great—all wonderful qualities. There was only one problem. They were the same qualities that she had.

What Selina needed was a Masculine Strength Male. I know other girls who are driven and successful Masculine Strength Females and they’re always looking for people who are as driven as they are - in other words they’re looking for a Masculine Strength Male. But when they find them it often doesn’t work out.

The following chapters are for those of you who may have had conversations similar to the one Selina had with me, those of you who are single and looking.

In this section I’ll show you how the Masculine and Feminine Strength singles that we’ve followed throughout the book changed their approach in dating.

They’ve already worked hard to balance themselves.

Their lives changed in ways they did not expect. They feel different, they feel more fulfilled, and the world responds to them differently. In fact, it feels like the world opened up for them—in both their personal and professional lives.

Now it’s time to find and give love. But how?

"Male and female represent the two sides of the great radical dualism. But in fact they are perpetually passing into one another. Fluid hardens to solid, solid rushes to fluid. There is no wholly masculine man, no purely feminine woman."

- MARGARET FULLER

Chapter 12. DATING TIPS FOR THE FEMININE STRENGTH FEMALE

BEFORE Lily took on her new job and started to develop her masculine energy, her love life was a mess. She met guys easily, because her curvy figure and open, feminine energy drew men to her. But her relationships never went anywhere… except the bedroom. Let’s see how that changed when she started to become more balanced within herself.

All Lily wanted to do was fall in love, settle down and start a family - ideally with a wealthy, successful guy. For years, though she’d ended up with the bad boys who had no interest in anything more than casual sex.

It wasn’t that she didn’t like the sex - she did. And she liked the excitement too. The guys she met were never boring; they had a lot of ambition and big ideas. They always seemed to be doing something - except, that is, committing to her.

Her last boyfriend even cheated on her and she put up with it thinking he’d change his ways with time. He didn’t.

There was one guy who drove her crazy. He was a hot shot in the tech industry. They met at a party and hit it off. They had great sex that night—and great conversation too. Lily hoped it would become something but he was always travelling for work. Whenever they saw each other it seemed to end up in bed. He always paid for dinner and was generous—that made her feel good but it also made her feel a bit cheap.

When he was away, Lily went on dates with nice guys - guys who wanted to see the same exhibitions and movies that interested her. They were sweet and attentive but there was never any real spark. Sometimes she wondered if she should settle for one of them—at least they wouldn’t hurt her.

Lily was a nice, smart, attractive woman - what was she doing wrong?

Getting her new job, however, changed everything. For the first few months she was too busy to even think about men. Work took all of her attention.

By the time she started dating again she felt different. She was getting a grip on her own finances and so for the first time she wasn’t looking for a Prince Charming to rescue her.

She also felt stronger and more confident in herself. She realized that she didn’t need to jump into bed with a guy to make him like her. In fact, she was done with doing that.

One night her tech hotshot called to let her know he was in town. It was a booty call. She told him she had other plans and that their “thing”—whatever it was— wasn’t working for her. She wanted a serious relationship and if that wasn’t what he wanted then it was time for them both to move on.

She heard his stunned silence on the other end of the phone. He told her that he really liked her and wanted something more serious but he just couldn’t at the moment with work being so crazy. She knew he could never give her what she wanted or needed so she said good-bye.

When she hung up the phone Lily felt a rush of energy. She had never felt so empowered. She had stood up for herself, something she had never done before.

From that moment on, Lily radiated an aura of confidence she didn’t have before. She didn’t end up in one-night stands because she was no longer attracted to those kinds of guys. She wanted more, and she knew, for the first time in her life, that she deserved more.

Shortly afterwards, she met Mike at a fitness boot camp. He was an engineer who was not interested in any of the things she was interested in - but he was interested in her. He didn’t try to get her into bed with fancy dinners and big promises; he just kept showing up.

Every time they arranged to go out, he turned up on time and did what he said he would. On paper they had nothing in common but it just worked. He listened to her. His eyes lit up whenever she walked into the room. She felt safe with him. He was reliable and loyal and straight-forward.

But Lily felt scared as well. He was strong and real— there was no pretending. She had never met anyone like him before. They didn’t have sex until their fifth date - but when they did it just felt right. This is it, thought Lily. He is the one.

When you’re not balanced, you will attract people who are just as unbalanced as you. When Lily only used her feminine energy, she met guys who only used their masculine energy - in other words, Masculine Strength Males who were only interested in sex.

Feminine Strength Females love sex too, and because they are naturally open it’s easy for them to fall into bed. But this rarely leads to anything more than hook-ups. And as much as the Feminine Strength Female likes to pretend she’s OK with that, she’s not. Her priorities are love, trust and connection, after all.

The Feminine Strength Female might tolerate a lot of bad behavior because she has a forgiving nature and hates confrontation, but in the end she gets hurt. This is when she does one of two things: she puts on a protective, masculine shell and pretends that she doesn’t care, or she turns to a nice Feminine Strength Guy who might seem safe but who will never really excite her. There isn’t enough polarity there for real attraction.

When Lily started to use her masculine energy in the office - and also at the gym - things changed. She felt more powerful and more confident.

Her first major step was to end it with her on-off guy. She took control and stood up for herself with the help of her masculine energy.

Once she started respecting herself, other people respected her more. Remember, our relationships with others always reflect our relationship with ourselves.

Notice that a big boost to Lily’s confidence happened when she took control of her money situation. Feminine Strength Females find it hard to manage their finances. They often wait to find a partner to do that for them. When Lily started to manage her own money she realized she didn’t need to put up with bad behavior in exchange for a few fancy dinners. It’s fine to let a guy pay—and many Masculine Strength Males want to provide—but you must never give away your power or become dependent on another person.

Then Lily met Mike, a balanced Masculine Strength Male. On paper Lily and Mike have different lives. She is artsy, creative and feminine; he’s practical, down-toearth and straight talking. At first, he didn’t seem as exciting as the other guys she’d dated, but over time she saw that he offered much more than they did. He adored her, but he also respected her—something that was lacking in previous relationships. And for the first time in her life she respected herself enough to know that she deserved a guy as good as Mike.

Can You Relate?

Have you found yourself endlessly giving to guys that don’t commit? Do you put up with bad behavior in a relationships just because you want love?

Or maybe you’re a Feminine Strength Female who thinks, “I’d never let a man mess me around! And I don’t want any guy to pay for me! I have my own money.”

We live in a world where we are told that men and women should be equal partners, and that’s absolutely right. But equality can also be damaging to relationships if it means that you, as a Feminine Strength Female, are acting in ways that are not true to your nature.

Many Feminine Strength Women rely on their masculine energy when they’re dating (and indeed when they’re working) as a way of not getting hurt. They play hard-to-get, and don’t let men see their vulnerable side. They give men career advice on dates and jump into bed. But this is not their true nature. And they will never attract the right guy behaving like this.

It might also be that you’ve had bad experiences or traumas with Masculine Strength Men—including, perhaps, your father. So you decide to use your masculine energy to protect yourself. You might go out with sweet, nice Feminine Strength Males because they feel safer to you - but these relationships will never give you what you need.

So what do you need?

Your Bingo Partner

Forget macho guys who use you or sweet Feminine Strength Males who bore you. You need a strong, loyal, reliable, balanced Masculine Strength Male. Don’t be put off by the fact that this guy might be quiet and understated. That’s what real confidence looks like, not the flashy showiness of the unbalanced masculine energy on an ego trip.

How To Find It

GET OUT THERE

Prince Charming is not going to come to your house and sweep you off your feet, so get off the sofa and get out there—and that doesn’t mean go shopping with girlfriends or hang out in fancy cocktail bars. Go places where Masculine Strength Males hang out, like sporting events, the gym, or business networking events.

FLIRT

As a Feminine Strength Female attracting people comes naturally. So use your strength! Be open, flirtatious, fun and easy going. The secret to flirting is eye contact and smiling. If you see a guy you like, smile and hold his gaze for a second more than is comfortable. Then look away and look back at him, with a playful smile. This makes it clear that if he approaches you he won’t be rejected.

DO NOT MAKE THE FIRST MOVE

This tip is really important. Yes, we live in an equal world and there’s no reason why women can’t make the first move, but if you are a Feminine Strength Female looking for a Masculine Strength Male, you have to do it the old-fashioned way. Remember, the masculine energy wants to take charge; the feminine energy wants to receive. Your job is to make it easy for the guy to approach you, to lure him in. If that means sitting near him, or walking past him - that’s fine. But make sure he talks first. If you make the first move and he likes it, chances are he’s not a Masculine Strength Man.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO GO OUT WITH SOMEONE DIFFERENT FROM YOU

If you meet a guy you can talk with for hours, someone who loves the same art as you and has read the same books, he’s probably a Feminine Strength Male. That makes for a wonderful connection and a wonderful friendship - but not sexual chemistry. Remember you’re looking for your opposite. Don’t be put off by the fact that you might not, at first, have a lot in common. You’ll find other ways to connect, and you’ll learn and grow from each other. He might not be book smart but he’ll be street-smart. And he might not recognize beauty in art - but he’ll recognize it in you and that’s what matters.

KNOW WHEN TO LISTEN AND WHEN TO TALK

We all know the Feminine Strength Female can talk for hours - but make sure you give your date a chance to talk too. Masculine Strength Males can be more reserved, so make an effort to draw them out. Ask them questions and show real interest. If, on the other hand, your date is talking over you— it’s probably an attempt to impress you. Don’t be afraid to speak up. You might think that it’s your job to be “nice” but guys like a woman who stands up for herself. Don’t be a push over.

LET HIM PAY

The masculine energy’s role is to give, and the feminine energy’s role is to receive - so let the guy pay for dinner, at least initially. This doesn’t mean you’re signing up to be a 1950s housewife. Nor does it mean you’re not capable of paying for yourself. Further down the line you can split bills, but when you are first dating, let the guy pay. And no, it does not mean you have to jump into bed with him. Just because a guy pays for dinner does not mean you owe him anything.

SLOW DOWN

It’s so exciting when you meet someone you like. A great first date is enough to have you picking out names for your first-born. The feminine energy is open and spontaneous - it falls in love easily. But this time, take it slow. Don’t give your heart away too quickly. The feminine energy is so open that you can get hurt when you give away your heart too quickly and to the wrong person.

DON’T JUMP INTO BED

Sex is important in any relationship, but it can wait. The best relationships are built on friendship. What’s the rush? Get to know him first and let him get to know you. Build anticipation and desire. If you wait, sex will be even better because it will be more meaningful. It will also send an important message to him. You don’t just do it with anyone. He’s special and so are you. This is how you exercise your masculine energy. Instead of allowing yourself to be dictated by your emotions and what feels right in the moment, use your logic and discipline.

DON’T RELY ON INTERNET DATING

Make sure you’re not only dating online. There are definitely great guys online but you’ll find a lot of Feminine Strength Males who lack the confidence to approach women in real life. And there are also a lot of unbalanced Masculine Strength Males looking for a hook-up. Neither guy is right for you. You’ll end up with endless messages that never go anywhere (with the Feminine Strength Male) or you might end up in bed with a guy who isn’t looking for anything serious.

USE YOUR INTUITION

Always trust your intuition—it’s your strength after all. If the relationship isn’t working out, be honest with yourself and leave it as soon as possible. It’s not your job to fix or mold this person into what you want him to be. You can’t change anyone—neither do you have the right to change someone. Let him live his life the way he wants to. You will find someone who is right for you.

TRUST

Trust should come naturally to Feminine Strength Females but if you’ve been hurt by a Masculine Strength Male before it’s so easy to put up a barrier. Please don’t do this. Remember that by using your intuition and working on your masculine energy, you gain the strength to look after yourself in relationships. It’s only by surrendering and trusting that you will find true love.

KEEP USING YOUR MASCULINE ENERGY

Even when you’re in a happy, healthy relationship, continue to nurture and balance both your masculine and feminine energies. Remember that nobody else can make you whole; you need to do that yourself. When you first meet the right guy, it will be tempting to give up working on yourself. You’ll think that he’s the answer to all your problems. He’s not. It’s important that you keep working on yourself in order to have a happy relationship and a happy life.