Satan: An Autobiography - Yehuda Berg 2010

My Big Announcement
The Final Chapter

A true autobiography is written when a person’s life and career is at an end—unlike celebrities who write their memoirs in their 30s and 40s. How arrogant and pretentious, right? As you know, I’ve been at this Game now for more than 5000 years. I’m exhausted. Plus, I know that I’m destined to lose in the end, so why drag this genocide, pain, and suffering on any longer?

Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? Hold on to your hats, kids.

I’m retiring.

It all makes sense now, doesn’t it? The potentially damaging revelations. The candor. Yes, I’m hanging up my hat. I’m ready for my farewell party and my pension plan. After all, I did my job. I did it well. Almost too well. And now I’m done. Finito. Adiós. So long, suckers. It’s been real.

I am not going to drop a meteor on you as I walk out. Or coax you into firing a nuclear weapon. Or scare the bejesus out of you. Now that I’ve revealed the Rules of the Game and my true purpose, all that can come to an end. Everyone will simply read my book and spread the good word with exponential speed. And you will choose, on your own, to create and enter a new miraculous and loving world, seamlessly, effortlessly, and ridiculously joyfully.

EPILOGUE:

A Final Confession

Psst! Come a little closer. I’ve got a secret for you.

You want to know how I got my job?

Yes, I’m just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.

—The Animals

Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. I am not a soul; I am an angel and, despite appearances, my intentions have always been good. They still are. So, what’s a nice angel like me doing in a God-forsaken place like this?

I ate from the apple first!

Yep, before Adam and Eve took their bite, I took mine. That’s why God gave me the job of helping you overcome your shame after Adam and Eve went down that same road. For one thing, I knew their shame all too well. For another, by helping you, I was helping myself. Funny how those Universal Laws work for everyone, even me! And now, with a little help from you, I can enjoy the world as it was always intended to be.

Thanks for hearing me out, and enjoy!