The Bingo Theory: A revolutionary guide to love, life, and relationships - Mimi Ikonn (2016)
Part II. The Four Types
Chapter 7. MASCULINE STRENGTH MALE
FINALLY, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU to my friend, Andrew, a great example of the Masculine Strength Male. When I met Andrew, he was in his late twenties and he was, to use his phrase, living the dream. He used his masculine energy to his advantage.
Andrew plays to win-he always has and always will. As the eldest of three boys, he learned early on that life is a competition and there’s no prize for second place. You have to fight for your corner and fight hard. The phrases “man up” and “boys don’t cry” were used often in his house.
At school Andrew played football, was on the debate team and got straight A’s.
Not that studying came easy to him—he thought that most of his teachers were a waste of space and he couldn’t see the point of half the classes. But he wanted to get into an Ivy League College so he figured out that the bare minimum was to get A’s and that’s what he did.
Andrew never saw his Old Man as proud as he was the day Andrew got accepted into Yale. It was a great moment.
For awhile at Yale he struggled. The standard was high and it was tough being around people more intelligent than he was. For once Andrew wasn’t winning.
When he got his first C, he was floored. He was not used to coming so close to failure. He called his dad, but his Old Man didn’t have any sympathy. He told him he’d just have to raise his game, so he did.
In his final year Andrew worked around the clock. Some nights he didn’t sleep. Caffeine kept him going.
Andrew graduated in the top ten of his class and soon had his picks of jobs. He took a job at a major bank. His plan was to make a ton of money and retire early. That was the dream. But it wasn’t just about the money - he wanted to make something of himself, to leave his mark on the world.
Andrew worked 15-hour days and prided himself on his ability to think clearly and logically in all situations. He went to the gym before work every morning - even if it meant getting up at 5:00 a.m. He drove himself hard. He could be a bit aggressive - but that was part of the game. He had no patience with people who didn’t give 100 percent.
And when Andrew wasn’t working hard, he played hard. He had a great group of guy friends and on the weekends when they weren’t working they’d go camping and fishing or they’d fly off to exotic places to party.
By his late twenties, it was all going according to Andrew’s plan except for one thing - his love life. He hadn’t had a long-term relationship since he was at college. His ex, Lucy, dumped him for being too possessive and cut-off emotionally - whatever the hell that meant. She’d been watching too much Oprah, if you asked him.
Andrew told himself that he was too busy to think about a relationship—and it’s not like there was a shortage of women on his speed dial. He had to admit, though, that it was all starting to feel a bit empty.
Andrew is the classic example of the Masculine Strength Male, otherwise known as the Alpha Male. He’s analytical, direct, intelligent, ambitious, and both mentally and physically strong. His focus and determination bring him success everywhere in life—or almost everywhere.
But with the need to succeed comes a lot of pressure. From the youngest age, boys are told that they can’t show weakness or vulnerability; they have to be tough and aggressive. This makes it hard for them to express their feelings, which in turn makes relationships hard.
Here are some of Andrew’s traits:
The main need of the Masculine Strength Male is to come out on top. Andrew says it himself: life is a competition and he wants to win. He wants to be the best at everything he does and he won’t give up until he gets his goal.
Work is the priority of the Masculine Strength Male. It is where he gets his sense of purpose. While Feminine Strength People go with the flow, Masculine Strength People are focused, driven and clear about what they want to do and how they will do it. They have five-year plans and will stop at nothing until they get there. Think of it as a throwback from the days when men hunted and kept their eye on their prey.
It never occurs to the Masculine Strength Male that he is wrong. He always says exactly what he thinks and he’ll stick to his guns even when there’s opposition. He’s decisive, assertive and never doubts his abilities. People sense this confidence the moment he walks in the room—even if he doesn’t say much. Actually, Masculine Strength Males often say very little. They know they don’t need to.
The Masculine Strength Male thinks clearly, rationally and logically. He’s a problem solver. He sees what needs to be done and does it. Emotions never get in his way. He stays calm in a crisis.
The main need of the Masculine Strength Male is to make something of himself in the world. While the feminine energy is all about introspection and feelings, the masculine energy is concerned with the outside world. He’s often obsessed with success, status and wealth. It’s not necessarily money itself that he wants - although the flashy house and car are nice. It’s more that money is a marker of whether you’re winning or not. Masculine Strength Males also feel an urgent need to leave their mark on the world, to fulfill their purpose. At the root of this is a need to feel good enough, to be acknowledged by the outside world. Feminine Strength People don’t have this same need.
It’s likely that most Masculine Strength Males have high testosterone levels. The male hormone creates a strong jawline and cheekbones, thicker brow ridges, larger noses, smaller eyes, thinner lips and a relatively long bottom half of the face. It also causes broader shoulders, strong upper arms and high muscle density. Andrew is a very strong man.
The Masculine Strength Male is also very loyal. Once you’re his friend, he will do anything for you. As a leader at work, he is loyal to his team. He’ll show up and do what’s needed - but he’ll expect the same from the people around him. There’s only one thing he won’t do for his friends-talk for hours about their problems. He is practical, not emotional. He wants to fix problems, not moan about them.
It’s important for the Masculine Strength Male to feel in control of his world, so he’s disciplined, punctual and organized. He’s the guy at the gym at 6:00 a.m. He wants to know the quickest, most-efficient way to do everything.
Despite appearances, the Masculine Strength Male does have struggles. While he can say what he thinks clearly and assertively, he finds it much harder to say what he feels. That’s because half the time he doesn’t really know what he feels. From the youngest age, many boys are brought up with the idea that real men don’t have emotions. They’re not allowed to cry, to be scared, or to be anxious. This has a hugely damaging effect on men—they learn early on to bottle up their emotions.
One of the main challenges that the Masculine Strength Male has is feeling empathy for others. Empathy is the ability to understand what others feel and to relate to that. Andrew doesn’t have that ability. He’s naturally confident and can’t understand the insecurities of others. He doesn’t have patience for anyone who can’t move through life as easily as he does. At his worst, the Masculine Strength Male is arrogant, judgmental and thinks he’s better than others.
Not Interested In Style
Unlike their Feminine Strength Friends, the Masculine Strength Male has no interest in aesthetics. However, he does realize that he has to dress well to get ahead, so he’ll buy a quality wardrobe so that he doesn’t need to think about it. Dressing well is a problem to be solved, not a form of self-expression.
We’ll cover this more in the dating chapters, but the Masculine Strength Male is very likely to sleep around. Sex is his way to connect to the opposite sex. But he doesn’t realize this, and it doesn’t really work - he just finds himself getting one-night stands. There’s no romance, no vulnerability, no intimacy—it’s just sealing the deal. It’s another conquest. This can be fun for a while, but eventually it starts to feel empty.
Can You Relate?
Do you relate to Andrew’s story? Do you pride yourself on being clear-headed, ambitious and rational? Do you find it hard to empathize with others? When other people share their feelings do you think ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about?” Do you get impatient and judgmental?
Remember that not all Masculine Strength Males will be the same. There is a spectrum of masculinity - just as there is a spectrum of femininity. You might fall on the extreme end, as Andrew does, or you could be more balanced.
And there will always be exceptions. I have another friend, Tom, who is also a Masculine Strength Male but who cannot relate to Andrew’s lack of interest in conversations. He loves diving into discussions—even about emotions. But even though Tom likes to talk, he talks in a very masculine way. He’s talking to get to the bottom of something, to solve a problem.
Once again I must stress that it’s important to understand that we all have both masculine and feminine energy in us. You don’t have just one or the other energy, you have both. It’s just that for most of us one of these energies is more developed—whether through nature or conditioning. I know I keep repeating this, but it’s very important to understand.
Remember that the purpose of this book is to balance your masculine and feminine energies so that you can draw on both energies equally and thus lead a full and healthy life.
THE FOUR TYPES
IN THE LAST four chapters we examined the strengths and struggles of each of the four types of people.
We saw that Feminine Strength People are loving, creative, intuitive, empathetic and open. But they can also lose direction and spend more time pleasing others than themselves.
Masculine Strength People, on the other hand, get things done. They are motivated, disciplined, clear thinking and ambitious. There is nothing they cannot achieve easily—except love and connection. They find it hard to relax, to let go.
As we’ve seen, neither of the energies is better or worse. Both have amazing strengths but come with challenges.
The question I put to you now is what if you could learn to be the best of both worlds? What if you could be strong and direct like Chloe and Andrew, while also being caring, fun and intuitive, like Lily and Chris?
What if you could still be spontaneous and creative as a Feminine Strength Person, yet you could also embrace discipline, structure and action? What if you could actually bring your many ideas to life? How would your life be transformed if you learned to create boundaries and care for yourself while also being able to care for others?
Or, for the Masculine Strength Person, wouldn’t it be great if you could keep all your drive and ambition, but also be able to relax, sit still, and feel at peace? How would your life change if you could be logical and focused but also tap into your creativity and intuition? And wouldn’t it be wonderful to use your heart as well as your head? To really love others as well as yourself?
Well, all this is possible. You CAN be the best of both worlds. You CAN be a perfect blend of the masculine and feminine energy.
This is what The Bingo Theory is about.
In the following chapters you’ll find out just how to become a Bingo, with simple, practical tips. I promise it will change your life.