The Bingo Theory: A revolutionary guide to love, life, and relationships - Mimi Ikonn (2016)
Part VI. Balance Existing Relationships
Chapter 20. THE BINGO RELATIONSHIP IN ACTION
IN THE LAST FOUR CHAPTERS we explored the dynamics between the masculine and feminine energies in different kinds of couples. Each partnership has its strengths and challenges.
As I’ve said before, intimate relationships act like a mirror. They reflect back the lessons you need to learn. But everything starts with you. Don’t expect the other person to change. It’s your job to balance yourself.
It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it. Relationships are our greatest opportunity, not only for joy but also for growth. What happens when you both work at balancing your energies? You have a Bingo Relationship; the kind I have with my husband Alex.
I remember clearly the moment I started to fall in love with Alex. I worked on Saturdays at a bank where he also worked. One day I had a really bad cough. He wasn’t working that day but he came in to the office to pick something up and when he noticed my cough he asked if I was okay.
“Yeah, it’s just a cold,” I said. I went back to serving customers. About ten minutes later he came back and left a packet of throat lozenges on my desk. He just put them down and said, “See you later.”
It was such a tiny gesture but to me it was the sweetest thing. I was doing my very masculine energy thing of just working and pushing through my cold. I didn’t see it as such then but he was showing his caring, feminine energy. I didn’t know any other guy that would do something so considerate. To this day I tell Alex, “That’s how you won my heart—with a pack of Strepsils.”
It took me a while to realize that I was attracted to him, though.
Every week I’d look at the schedule to see if we worked the same shifts. I was always disappointed if we weren’t—but even then I didn’t really realize why I was disappointed.
Meanwhile, Alex kept saying general things to me like, “You should come camping with my friends and I” or “ Come out to dinner with my friends and I”. But he never followed it up with any firm plans. And I was seeing someone else at the time and he was too, so in my head we were just friends.
One day I suggested that we go ice skating. I didn't have ice skates because money was tight, so I said, “Hey, if you want to go ice skating with me, find me some skates, and I will go with you.”
He said, “Done deal!” and borrowed some ice skates from a friend. The next day we went ice-skating. To me, it was two friends, two co-workers going ice-skating. To Alex, it was a green light; it gave him the confidence to think I was interested. I wasn’t even thinking about that, at least not consciously.
So we went ice-skating, which was cute because he wasn’t very good at it, which gave him the chance to hug and hold on to me. Still, in my head, we were friends. After the ice-skating he said, “Let’s have dinner.” I thought, “Oh no ... this is starting to sound like a date.”
I said that I wasn’t really hungry but he persisted and we went for sushi.
The second time we went out—again, as friends so far as I was concerned—he kissed me. I freaked out! I didn’t say anything. I just backed away. In my mind this wasn’t happening. I was planning on moving back to Azerbaijan, where I grew up, and I didn’t want to start anything.
The next day I received a bouquet of flowers with a note that said: “It's the possibility of a dream come true that makes life interesting.” which is my favorite quote from the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. There was no name on the note. I thought it was this other guy I went on a couple of dates with before, so I texted him to inquire if the flowers were from him. He texted back almost instantly saying: “No, the flowers are not from me. Sad face.”
Only then I realized the flowers were from Alex and I felt so bad. I sent him a text immediately saying:“Sorry, I led you on. I don’t think we’re on the same page. I’m moving back to Azerbaijan. This is not happening.” But he wouldn’t give up! He sent me a text back saying, “No, let’s just go out for a drink. We need to talk. I’m going to pick you up tonight after work.”
Alex Was a Bingo
I was pleasantly surprised by Alex’s reaction. I expected him to just give up. I was always drawn to Feminine Strength Males, but if I rejected them they’d almost instantly vanish. Deep down I wanted them to fight for me - to show their masculine energy. But they never did- until Alex. Alex was fighting. He knew what he wanted and he wasn’t going to give up. He used his masculine energy to be a Bingo!
So he took me out again. We sat in a Bubble Tea shop and he kept talking to me about all the things he liked about me.
“Why are you trying so hard? Why? You know I’m moving away. There is no point to any of this,” I said to him.
He looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Because I see it, Mimi. I see a vision of both of us. I see this working! ”. He said it with so much love, sincerity and conviction that although I didn't admit it to him in that moment, I saw it too.
He made me fall in love with him. He conquered my heart with love and kindness—but he was proactive, not just wishing for it to happen.
I didn’t say anything to him that evening, but I thought to myself, “Maybe he is right.”
And so we started to go out, and it felt too good to be true. Most of us are conditioned to think that relationships need to be hard, and this one wasn’t. It was so easy and fun to be with him that I would freak out once in a while and say, “No, this is too good to be true. It can't be real.”
Whenever I ran away from him he came persistently and said, “What's going on? We had such a great time.” When he talked to me, he made me see our potential. He would state the obvious, and I would have nothing to say.
He was being the perfect Bingo: he was loving and kind (feminine) but determined and focused (masculine). He knew what he wanted and it was me. He wasn’t aggressive or domineering—he was patient and strong. He was very certain.
Love is Feminine
For my part, I had to learn to bring out my feminine energy in a whole new way. Although I was already balanced in many ways. For example: I used my masculine energy to get a great job and was very successful financially, especially for my age. I also constantly exercised my feminine energy - I was very kind and caring to those around me. I always dressed up, mainly in pencil skirts and heels, hair and make up done. It all made me feel very good about myself. It made me feel whole and balanced.
But love required me to use my feminine energy in a way I had not done before. Truly loving somebody is all about using one’s feminine energy. It requires you to let go of control and open up your heart. It’s about relaxing, allowing and trusting.
It can be terrifying. I ran away from Alex three times before he calmed me down. Then, the more I opened up, the more I fell in love with him. There was nothing logical or rational about it, it was…well, magic.
Alex proposed when we were on a trip to Italy. We were in Positano, a beautiful village on the Amalfi coast. We were eating dinner outside. The stars were sparkling and the night was warm with a strong scent of orange trees. We decided to go for a walk on the beach. The full moon was shining bright, illuminating a beautiful reflection on the water and lighting the way for lovers.
He got down on one knee, and asked for me to be his partner for life. “The timing’s not right,” said my masculine energy. After all, we were both broke at the time and trying to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives. “Say ‘Yes!’ you love him and you will make things work,” said my feminine energy. So I said yes. We got married exactly a year later.
Diving Into My Feminine Energy
As our relationship progressed I dived a bit too deep into feminine energy.
I started letting Alex take care of finances and make most of the decisions. For a short period of time, I lost myself completely. I was dwelling in a very emotional world. I stopped taking charge, of both myself and my life.
I became extremely miserable, unhappy, anxious and totally not in my element.
I realized that it wasn't making Alex happy either. Yes, he was stepping up and taking charge but he didn’t want to be the boss all the time. He loved it when I was confident and in charge. For him, that was really sexy.
In trying to balance and be more feminine, I clearly went a bit too far. I completely disowned my strength—and that it not what The Bingo Theory is about. Yes, we must bring out our opposite energy. But we must always own our strengths. If we don’t, it will rot inside of us.
Using Our Strengths
Eventually we both learned to use our strengths. I realized that Alex likes it when I use my masculine energy to make decisions and set plans. And I like it when he uses his feminine energy to bring the fun, love and spontaneity to our relationship.
It’s even true in the little things, like decorating our house. Alex will do the research and say, “Should we get these plates or those plates or another plate?” He finds the options, and then I choose. He loves options. I love making decisions.
I wouldn’t care enough to spend the hours looking for various options. I’d go to the first store, find something, get it, and forget about it. But at the same time I do enjoy being surrounded by beautiful things, that were well thought of and put together. I would hardly ever sit down and light candles and put on music and create an atmosphere. Sometimes, when I’m alone I eat in the kitchen standing up. But Alex makes everything special. For him, that comes naturally. And the best part is that he brings that out of me too.
Learn From Each Other
We’re always learning how to find greater balance within ourselves from each other.
When Alex and I have arguments, he is very expressive. He openly shares his feelings and emotions with me. Once he is done talking, he usually looks at me and says: “ What are you thinking about?”
For him, it’s easy to express himself. He processes his emotions very fast. For me on the other hand, it’s much harder. I don’t always know how to communicate what’s going on internally. Heck, half of the time I don’t even know what’s going on internally. It takes time for me to absorb information and be able to express my internal reaction to a given situation. I usually respond by saying, “Umm… I have nothing to say” or “I need some time to absorb what I have just heard”.
I’ve had to learn to express myself better, and Alex has had to learn to give me time to respond. Sometimes it only takes a few minutes and sometimes it can take up to half an hour or longer. With his help I’ve learned to use my feminine energy more. I’ve become more expressive, more loving and more compassionate towards myself and others.
As for Alex, he’s able to step into his masculine energy when he needs to. He stands up to me when I get bossy and will take a tough line when I need him to. After we got married and I was going too far into my feminine energy he was the one who was adamant that I find a way to help myself. “You have to do something about this. Only you have the power to get yourself out of this black hole.” Eventually I ended up going to a silent meditation retreat and Alex was a huge part in supporting and encouraging me to do it. He wasn’t going to allow me to stay down.
We’re continually helping each other to become more balanced. We’re evolving as humans.
Some people worry that if both people in the relationship embrace both their masculine and feminine energies, then the men and women will become the same. The sexual spark will go away because there is no polarity. That’s not true.
Our strength energies are different, so we will always have the attraction of opposites. What’s more, when you accept and embrace both the masculine and feminine sides of yourself, you can explore and share both of these sides of yourself.
There are times when I take on the masculine role and initiate sex and then there are times when Alex does. There are times when he is the strong dominant force and times when I am. We swap. We play. Our relationship is all encompassing. There is passion and tenderness. Excitement and peace. Closeness and freedom.
Our relationship is about more than adhering to certain roles, it is bigger than that. It’s about learning about ourselves and sharing that learning with each other. It is about being happy and connected—not just for our sake, but for the sake of everyone around us.
Once you are a fulfilled in yourself and within your partnership—truly fulfilled—then you can stop looking inwards.
Then you’re not just thinking of yourself or your relationships; you can start to think about the world around you. What can you do to help others? How can you share your love with the world? This is where the journey really begins.
TIPS FOR A BINGO RELATIONSHIP
How do you find a Bingo relationship? How do you find a Bingo partner if you are single? Or how do you make an existing relationship into a Bingo relationship? Well, it all starts with you. It always starts with you.
Once you start to balance your own masculine and feminine energies you will attract someone who is equally balanced. Like attracts like.
If you’re in a relationship and you’ve been balancing your energies and working on yourself, what does that mean for your partner? Is she also changing? Does he resent the changes you’ve made? Is she becoming more balanced herself?
We mimic what we see. If you’re working on yourself, it could be that your partner is consciously—or unconsciously— changing too.
You can’t change your partner; you can only change yourself. Then you can lead by example. When you get more balanced, they may get inspired to be balance as well.
If your partner doesn’t balance, it’s up to you to choose whether to accept it or not. Does this relationship still work for you? Are you helping each other grow?
Although you cannot change someone else, you can respectfully tell them how you feel. For example, if your Masculine Strength partner isn’t talking to you about how he or she feels then gently and kindly challenge them to share with you. Encourage them to open up, ask more questions. Explain how much you love it when they tell you about their day. If they are being aggressive, then explain that they can get so much further with you when they are patient and understanding. Likewise, if your Feminine Strength Partner is getting needy and emotional, remind them that they are strong, that they are not victims, they can do anything. Help them to be more decisive and to take charge. Encourage them.
You can’t force someone to change but you can help you partner grow—if they’re open to that. That’s what relationships are for. And if one partner doesn’t want to grow, then you have to question whether it is still a relationship that works for you.
Having a Bingo relationship is something we are always working at; it’s a constant journey, not an end-destination.