The Bingo Theory: A revolutionary guide to love, life, and relationships - Mimi Ikonn (2016)

Part VI. Balance Existing Relationships

Chapter 19. FIREWORKS: THE FEMININE-FEMININE RELATIONSHIP

NOW WE COME to the fireworks. The Feminine Strength Partnership has the most sparks, the most emotions, and is the hardest combination to make work in the long term.

It’s not a lack of love that’s the problem. Quite the opposite.

When I met Matt and Celine they seemed incredibly happy together. Then I got to know them better and the truth emerged.

Celine was in a very dark place when she met Matt. She had just ended a bad relationship and was laid off from her marketing job. Her confidence was at an all-time low. When her friend asked her over for a barbeque she said “no” at first but her friend insisted. “You can’t stay at home crying forever,” she said. So Celine put on a dress and some make up and went out, expecting to be back in a couple of hours.

Then she met Matt. He was open and smiling and they got talking. He told her that he liked her dress. She said she admired his cool glasses. “Mutual appreciation!” said Matt. They laughed. He was so easy to talk to. She found herself telling him all about her aggressive ex and her horrible job. He listened to her patiently. He was very understanding.

She had no intention of jumping into another relationship. But they started hanging out—at first as friends—then slowly it developed into something more. The sex was beautiful. It was tender and intense. They connected both physically and emotionally.

Matt always encouraged Celine. When she said it was her dream to become a nutritionist, he told her she should do it. “You can do anything you want to do,” he said. She never experienced such love and support from a man before. He suggested she move in with him to save money while she got her training.

Celine got a job as a waitress and signed up for a nutritionist course. Matt worked part-time as a sound engineer and tried to make his way as a musician. They weren’t earning big money but it was enough to get by. Matt was so talented that Celine was sure it was only a matter of time before he made it big with his music. Until then they had each other.

Four years later, they still loved each other deeply but they had both changed. Celine had not only qualified as a nutritionist but through a lot of work she made a name for herself. Her blog was a popular source of healthy recipes and she planned to write a book. It was exciting. She still wasn’t making a lot of money, but she hoped that would come.

There was just one problem. While Celine became successful, Matt still struggled with his music. He came close to a big break a couple of times but nothing happened. He was becoming disheartened. Celine tried to encourage him - she believed so much in his talent - but it was hard.

Celine wanted them to buy their own place but she couldn’t see how they could afford it. She already paid more of their rent most months. She didn’t want him to give up on his dreams. But she knew that if they wanted to move forward, they both needed to earn more money.

It was hard for them to talk about the real issues, so they ignored them and started fighting over nothing instead. Afterwards they both tried to make it right but nothing ever got resolved. Their sex life was suffering. Celine wasn’t turned on by Matt anymore and Matt seemed to have lost any interest in sex. It was like they had become brother and sister, or two roommates. But neither wanted to let go.

Furthermore Celine was waiting for Matt to propose—she felt that would change something—but he hadn’t taken that step yet and with things so tense she didn’t know if it ever would.

Feminine Strength People are kind, caring and compassionate, so a lack of love is not going to be the problem with this kind of relationship. Because they are both emotionally open, there can be a great connection and amazingly intimate sex. From the outside it looks like the kind of relationship that everybody wants. They are affectionate, supportive and can talk for hours.

The struggle comes further down the line. What the feminine energy wants more than anything is for somebody to take control, and in the Feminine Strength Partnership that doesn’t happen. Nobody makes decisions. Nobody makes a plan.

Both are unable to provide what the other needs, which is stability and grounding.

Relationship is like a dance. Someone needs to lead and someone needs to follow. Here there are two followers. Therefore it’s easy for this relationship to go nowhere.

They try to solve their problems by endless talking but they never tackle a problem head-on, so nothing gets settled. They’re both expressive so matches go up and fire happens. They feel better afterwards but nothing really changes.

Money is often an issue in this relationship. Feminine Strength People have many talents but financial management is not usually one of them. This kind of couple can remain perpetually in a situation where they struggle to make ends meet.

Soon the sex can suffer. While the Feminine Strength Female has a high sex drive, the Feminine Strength Male doesn’t. He is happy to have sex and connect this way but he might not take the lead or be as dominant as she’d like him to be. To have sexual attraction you need polarity - you need differences. Over time the lack of polarity can cause a problem, unless one of you plays the more masculine role.

After four years neither of them has committed. Why? Because the feminine energy is free flowing. If Matt had been with a Masculine Strength Female, she'd be like, “Excuse me, either you put a ring on it, or I’m out.” Celine is not so pushy but she’s still unsatisfied with the fact that they’re drifting.

The only way for this kind of relationship to work is for one or both partners to bring out more of their masculine energy.

Usually it works best if the man in the relationship takes on the more masculine role. Being a man, it’s easier for him to do—but it will take an effort. The Feminine Strength Female will find it way too tiresome to take the lead and be the masculine force all the time. This is what Celine is experiencing. She’s the one paying most of their rent and making the money but it doesn’t make her feel good. It makes her resentful.

Neither person in the relationship is getting what they need but nobody has the courage to break it up or the ability to sort out a plan for how to make things better.

How to Balance This Relationship

VISUALIZE THE FUTURE

Feminine Strength People live in the moment. They don’t think about tomorrow or next week, let alone next year. The word plan makes them come out in a sweat. But they’re very good at using their intuition and their imagination. As a couple, use this to your advantage. Take a day together to dream about your future. Close your eyes for a few minutes and imagine what your life would be like in a year, in five years - even twenty years from now. Where are you? What are you doing? How do you feel? Now share that image with your partner. Are your visions aligned? Does it feel exciting to share that picture? Make the image as vivid as you can, fill in all the details. Keep going back to that image until it starts to feel real.

PLAN AND SET GOALS

Now that you have your dream picture, it’s time for the most important part: break down exactly what it will take to make this vision happen. What steps do you both need to take and when? How are you going to take those steps? Who do you need to call? How much money do you have to earn? What plans do you need to make? Now write these stages down and put them into a calendar. Do it. Actually write it down. When you write things down and schedule them it makes them real.

WEEKLY MEETINGS

Sit down once a week and assess where you are with regards to your plans. Make this time non-negotiable. Pick a time when you know that both of you will be at home. Maybe Sunday night? Make a ritual of it; do it over tea, or before you make dinner together. Light candles, put on music, use your feminine energy to make this time feel special.

GET HELP

Get other people involved in your plans. This will help you to become accountable. Find an accountant or a financial advisor to help you plan your financial future. Get a personal trainer. Both of you will benefit from some hardcore exercise to bring out your masculine energy. Find a tough-love Masculine Strength friend whom you can talk to and count on to always tell you the truth.

DO THINGS INDEPENDENTLY

Feminine Strength People love closeness and intimacy. Masculine Strength People love freedom. In this relationship there might not be enough time spent apart. Make sure that you go out independently—not as a couple--one night a week. When you reunite there will be lots to talk about.

BRING OUT YOUR MASCULINE ENERGY

In order for this relationship to work long term one of you is going to have to step up and develop a lot more masculine energy. Who is that going to be? Is that you? If so, how do you feel about it? If you are a woman, think realistically about whether or not you will be changing yourself too much in order to make this relationship work.

MAKE A DECISION

Break up or commit. The problem with the feminine energy is that it can’t make a decision. Two Feminine Strength People can stay in a relationship for a long time simply because neither of them has the courage to break up. On the flipside, neither has the courage to make the commitment it takes to make a relationship work.