The Bingo Theory: A revolutionary guide to love, life, and relationships - Mimi Ikonn (2016)
Part VI. Balance Existing Relationships
Chapter 18. 50:50 PARTNERS: THE MASCULINE-MASCULINE RELATIONSHIP
WHEN TWO MASCULINE STRENGTH People are in a relationship they are commonly referred to as two Alphas. Now, how do you think this partnership goes? Is it all smiles and roses? Well, not really. But they do make for a formidable partnership.
Ed has a name for his wife, Nicki: The General. What she says goes. It’s always done. He was dating someone else when they met and so was Nicki but that didn’t matter. Nicki gave Ed her number, flirted outrageously, and soon they were together.
A couple of years after they met, Nicki proposed to him. She was 27 and wanted to get married and have kids. She told him that if he didn’t want to get married, she didn’t want to waste her time, she’d go find someone else.
It was not the most romantic marriage proposal, but it was effective. They went shopping that day and bought cheap rings, she spent $100 on a dress, and they got married a month later in a small ceremony with a few friends and family. There was no fuss.
They’ve now been married ten years and have two sons together. They’re a team, a great partnership. They split the chores 50-50 and their house runs like clockwork. Ed runs two successful online businesses and Nicki is a personal trainer. Every Sunday night they sit down and plan the upcoming week together so that everything that needs to get done gets done.
They live in a big house in a lovely neighborhood. Nicki doesn’t need to work for financial reasons but she can’t imagine giving up her career.
Early in the marriage Ed was unfaithful. He always had a high sex drive and after the kids Nicki didn’t have the energy or inclination to make love. To be honest, the cheating didn’t bother her that much. As long as he kept being a great dad and a partner she could live with it.
And Ed is a great father. He hugs the children all the time, reads to them and picks them up from school. He shows a tender side with the children that she never saw in him before.
Ed wishes he could show this side to Nicki. Sometimes he wishes she was the kind of woman who wanted to be looked after, but she’s not. She’s too strong and independent for that. Whenever he tries to do something romantic for her, like bring her flowers, she makes fun of him. “What have you done?!” she asks sarcastically. He hasn’t done anything. He gives up.
Nicki knows that she’s not very emotional or romantic with her husband. Sometimes she wishes they did more things together, like go dancing, but Ed isn’t very interested.
In many ways, a partnership between two Masculine Strength People really works. Both are confident, strong and goal-oriented. Together they can get anything done and their lives function well. They work as a team. There are systems and rules in place so everything goes smoothly. There’s a plan for everything. Everybody knows what to do and when.
Masculine Strength People are drawn to each other because they understand each other. It’s their similarities that cause the problems.
They often butt heads because they both want to be the boss. There’s a clash of egos. The challenge is exciting at first but after a while, one of the two gets tired of competing. Relationships are a dance. But in this dance there is no leader and no follower, there are two people trying to lead.
One of the biggest struggles for Masculine Strength People is being able to express their emotions, so this relationship can be more like a business partnership than a great romance.
Feminine Strength People, with all their feelings and changing moods, might confuse the hell out of them, but they also offer them a lot of what they need because they both lack the same thing— the caring, soft, loving touch; the expressive, emotional, feminine energy.
Neither one of them is naturally romantic. Both can be cynical.
Sex can become an issue. For the Masculine Strength Male sex is very important. He wants a lot of it. It’s his way of showing affection. This can cause problems because the Masculine Strength Female doesn’t have the same level of high sex drive.
She is more practical. She likes to work first and play later. She’s very goal-oriented and wants to get things done. That doesn’t mean she’s not sexual. It just means she doesn’t need to do it every day. Once or twice a week is more than enough.
For this reason, infidelity is often an issue in this kind of relationship. He cheats because he wants sex and attention, and then she sleeps with someone else as retaliation. Or she might accept his sexual infidelity as long as he’s loyal to the family. Or, she can work on her feminine sexual energy.
For this relationship to blossom both of the partners need to bring out their feminine energy.
Children can help bring out the loving and nurturing feminine energy. After middle age men’s testosterone levels drop and this also makes them balance more and be more inclined to stay at home and spend time with the family.
Another challenge is learning to take turns being the boss. When one partner excels in a certain area, the other can sit back and let them take the lead. You can flip-flop from relax-mode to in-charge mode. It takes work on both sides to be romantic and gentle with each other—to remember that this is love, not just a partnership.
How to Balance This Relationship
First things first: stop the power struggle. Learn to share the decisions in your relationship. Remember that you’re equal partners. There is no boss in this relationship. You can decide that one partner makes the decisions in one area of your life while other partner takes care of other areas. Or you can sit down and discuss all the decisions as matters arise. Avoid making decisions without your partner and assuming you have the final say—unless it is an area where you have both decided you have that authority. Be inclusive.
UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER’S POSITION
One of the main challenges for the masculine energy is to express feelings and empathize with other people’s emotions. Because of this, a conversation can turn into a game of point scoring or a debate. Work on hearing the other person's point of view, and try to understand their position even if you don't agree with it.
SECRET DATE NIGHTS
Take turns organizing “Secret dates.” On this night one person organizes everything on the date and the other person says “yes” to it all. On the following date swap roles. This is a great way to share power and control and it can be a lot of fun. It’s a great way to use both of your energies. Taking control is a very masculine energy, surrendering is feminine.
MAKE TIME TO TALK
Make time in your day to talk with each other about your day. Even twenty minutes a day before you go to sleep can make a big difference. Schedule it. Masculine Strength People are not great talkers. They can find it hard to express themselves or their emotions. But they have to work on it to keep intimacy.
DO THINGS TOGETHER
The masculine energy loves its independence, so two Masculine Strength People can be like ships in the night. You’re both doing your own thing. But for a relationship to work, you need to spend more time together. You need closeness and freedom, independence and interdependence. Sign up for some kind of an activity or a class together. It could be yoga, dancing, painting or anything else you both have interest in.
Feminine Strength People have a very easy time being affectionate. They like to cuddle and kiss. A Masculine Strength Couple might not have such warmth. Make an effort to show physical affection. This doesn’t mean sex. It means taking time to cuddle up on the sofa or rub each other’s feet at the end of the day. Make a commitment to kiss each other every morning. Small acts of tenderness will have a huge effect on the warmth in your relationship and will make you feel more connected.
The feminine energy is usually the one to bring romance to a relationship. The masculine energy is more practical. What’s the point of flowers when they’re going to die? And who needs candles when you have lights? Trust me, the smell of roses in the air and the dim flicker of candles can make even an ordinary Monday evening feel special. You don’t need to do it all the time, but these small feminine touches can keep the romance alive in your relationship
WEAR SEXY UNDERWEAR
The Masculine Strength Female is the kind who wears simple white underwear. She doesn’t have time for lace and thongs. But wearing sexy underwear will please your partner. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but it’s very important to keep the spark alive.
LEAVE LOVE LETTERS
When was the last time you left a little note for your partner? Just a scribble on a piece of paper saying “I love you” left on the kitchen table. Or a text during the day to say “I’m thinking of you” or “Can’t wait to see you later.” Most people stop flirting when they’re in relationships—especially when it’s two masculine energies. If you want to have a happy relationship, you must always find ways to show your partner how much you love them.
SWITCH OFF YOUR PHONES
The masculine energy finds it hard to switch off. The masculine energy couple is that couple that sits up in bed and checks e-mails before they fall asleep rather than checking in with each other. This creates a huge distance between them. Once a week set aside time when you don’t have your phones with you and you just spend time together. Sunday is usually a good day. It doesn’t have to be all day-just a few hours can make a big difference.
Dancing is a great way to bring out your feminine energy. It’s fluid and expressive and when it’s done right it’s very sexy. Take dance classes and learn something passionate like Tango, or you can just go dancing together in your local club. It’ll bring you both out of your heads and into your bodies.
HIRE A CLEANER
The masculine energy thinks it has better things to do than sweep the floor and that’s fine, but if you live in messy house it will drive you crazy. It will also build resentment because privately you are both waiting for the other to take charge of the chores but it isn’t happening. Do yourselves a favor and hire a cleaner.
SPEND TIME WITH YOUR CHILDREN
I’ve seen Masculine Strength Partnerships transform incredibly once children arrive. They bring out a softness in you that you didn’t know you had. Make the effort to spend as much time with your children as you can. It will bring out your playful, caring and patient, feminine side.