The Bingo Theory: A revolutionary guide to love, life, and relationships - Mimi Ikonn (2016)
Part VI. Balance Existing Relationships
Chapter 16. CHEMISTRY: THE FEMININE STRENGTH FEMALE AND THE MASCULINE STRENGTH MALE
THE BEST PLACE TO START is, with what many people think of as the traditional relationship - with stronger masculine energy and a woman with stronger feminine energy.
Remember my friend, Selina, the one who kept dating sweet but unsuitable guys? Well, let me tell you what happened after she decided to end it with the perfect-on-paper but super-Feminine Strength Male.
A few months after she called it off with the feminine Strength Male she was at a club where she met a guy at the bar. His name was Jack and he wore a bad t-shirt and jeans. He was chunky and swarthy. He wasn’t the kind of guy she usually went for but nevertheless she felt attracted to him. He was sure of himself and strong.
He bought her a drink and within ten minutes he asked her out. The next day he came to pick her up on a motorcycle and took her to a hockey match. Who takes a girl to a hockey match on the first date? But she loved it. The next night they went out again, this time for dinner.
That night they had sex and ended up in bed all weekend. The sex was great. Really great. After that weekend, they were an item. Six months later they got married, and recently they had their first child.
Selina’s life is unrecognizable since being with Jack. She’s driving his truck. The girl who used to color-code her books is now living in a building site as they renovate their home. It’s challenging with a one-year-old baby, but she loves that too. She feels grounded and stronger.
Jack is happy too. Since being with Selina, he’s more conscious about what he eats, he goes to the gym and he's taking better care of his body. Before, he just wore jeans and a t-shirt. Now Selina helped Jack get a whole simple but stylish wardrobe.
He loves coming home to her and he loves the kind of mother she is.
It was tough at first. They fought a lot - usually about tiny stuff. She got mad at him for leaving stuff around the house and he couldn’t understand why she lost it over a pair of shoes on the carpet. It’s just a pair of shoes!
She thought he was acting like a pig and he thought she was over-reacting. A huge fight came out of nothing. And it didn’t help that Selina wouldn’t let things lie. She wanted to talk about problems endlessly but Jack needed space to calm down. A few times he walked out of the house; otherwise they would end up in a fight and say things they later regretted.
With time though, they’re getting better at communicating. Selina is learning to express herself more calmly and she picks her moments. She tries not to attack. And she gives him space when he comes home from work.
For his part Jack is gradually learning to open up to Selina. And put away his shoes.
The physical attraction between Masculine Strength Males and Feminine Strength Females is magnetic. Sex is very important to both sides. They can spend days in bed. It’s a huge part of the relationship.
Masculine Strength Males love soft, feminine curves and Feminine Strength Females get hugely turned on by a sturdy guy with strong hands and an angular jaw.
It works beyond the physical level too.
Jack grounds Selina. When she talks about something he brings a completely different point of view. This helps her to see the world in a different way. And just being with him makes her feel calmer. He encourages her to be more independent, adventurous and decisive.
And Selina helps Jack to open up. She’s learning that she needs to give him time and space. She needs to encourage Jack to talk by asking gentle questions at the right time. She’s working on listening more, asking questions and giving him time to open up.
He’s a lot more stylish now, because she goes shopping with him. She’s taught him that image is very important. He has his own business and impressions count.
There can be clashes. Selina likes the finer things in life and Jack can’t understand where the money goes. But deep down Jack wants Selina to have everything she wants.
And so it goes with the modern relationship between the Feminine Strength Female and the Masculine Strength Male. Their differences create the spark, but they both work on balancing themselves and compromising. They respect each other and learn together.
This is not always the case. Without balance and compromise, the combination of opposites can be an explosive one. Take Greg and Anne, a couple who has been married for thirty years. Like Selina and Jack, the sexual attraction was always there, but it came at a price.
The Unbalanced Masculine and Feminine Energy Relationship
Greg and Anne met on a bus thirty years ago. She was a 19-year-old student and he was a 25-year-old waiter with dreams of owning his own restaurant. Greg moved quickly. He told her that she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen and that he wanted to marry her.
Anne was embarrassed and thrilled. They got off the bus and had coffee. Within six weeks they were married. The sex was always inventive and passionate. He was her first love and while he’d had girlfriends before, he told her that she was the only woman he had ever met that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
Within three months Anne was pregnant. Over the next five years they had three more children. Money was tight and they lived with his parents for the first two years of their marriage. He worked long hours and when he came home, he had a temper. He loved the children but he didn’t show it. He shouted at them to stay quiet.
The angrier and more aggressive Greg became, the more emotional and passive Anne became. She didn’t know how to stand up for herself or how to stand up to him.
When they argued she would become upset and start crying; she became too upset to communicate properly. She talked around and around in circles, her voice getting higher and higher. Greg couldn’t stand it when Anne cried. It killed him. He felt like a failure.
Soon he stopped coming home straight after work. She found out that he was cheating on her, and they fought even more.
Anne wanted to leave but they had children and she couldn’t afford to raise them on her own. She only worked part-time. Greg was the main bread winner and that gave him all the power.
Anne’s only way of retaliating was with silence. Whole weeks went by when she wouldn’t speak to Greg. Sometimes after a fight she wrote him a letter—that was the only way she felt she could express herself. Eventually they would make up with passionate sex. Things would be fine for a while until there was another explosive row.
Greg didn’t like Anne to go out without him because he was sure she was flirting with men. Twenty years into their marriage, the sex is the only good thing to remain. They still don’t know how to talk to each other.
This is a classic example of what happens when you put an unbalanced Masculine Strength Male together with an unbalanced Feminine Strength Female. The fact that they are opposites is what makes the attraction electric—but they may as well be from different planets.
Greg couldn’t handle how emotional his wife was. It killed him when she cried - it made him feel like a failure. As a man, he felt it was his job to keep her happy and he obviously wasn’t doing that. He didn’t realize that the feminine energy likes to cry and express, it’s their form of release.
All Anne wanted was for Greg to be there for her, to hold her and listen sympathetically. Instead he got angry. And the more aggressive he became, the more submissive she became.
It was a downward spiral. Greg felt like such a failure at home that he stayed away and started having affairs. And to add insult to injury, he then accused Anne of flirting with other guys. He became controlling, jealous, possessive and paranoid.
For many years it was a mess. Because Greg did not work on expressing his own sensitive, emotional, feminine energy, he could not tolerate it in Anne. He despised her weakness.
And because Anne had not developed her own strong, assertive, powerful masculine energy, she couldn’t match his. She couldn’t stand up for herself or her children.
The good news is that even this kind of relationship can be rescued if both people simply learn to balance their energies.
After Greg and Anne’s children left home for college, they realized they couldn’t continue to live the way they were. They talked about divorce but neither of them wanted to end it. They loved each other; they just didn’t know how to talk to each other.
Anne decided to go back to work full-time. Having financial independence made Anne feel stronger. She knew in the back of her mind that if she had to leave, she could.
Previously she would do anything to avoid an argument because she hated conflict. Increasingly though, she found herself answering back when Greg was rude and unkind. She practiced keeping her voice low when she spoke and she used her body language to stand more solidly. In this way she learned to use her masculine energy. And far from causing problems, Greg liked her more when she started to respect herself.
For years Greg dictated their social life—or lack of one. He was never interested in going out. Now, however, if there was something she wanted to attend - a party or a wedding - she went on her own if Greg did not want to go. And the more she went out on her own, the more Greg missed her. “Can I come with you?” he asked one day when she was going to a work BBQ. “If you like,” she said and smiled. The balance had shifted.
How to Balance This Relationship
The most important thing is that you must both learn to embrace your differences. Masculine and Feminine Strength People see the world differently. This is what attracts them to each other but it’s also what challenges them, making it the perfect learning opportunity. Instead of fighting, learn from each other and help each other grow and balance. Relationships are like a mirror - they show us what we need to learn.
Tips for the Feminine Strength Female
WRITE A LETTER
For the Feminine Strength Female, it can be hard to express yourself without getting overcome with emotions. This is something the masculine energy finds hard to handle. It can cause fights to escalate without getting anything resolved. If you recognize this, try writing letters to your partner. It can be easier to express yourself logically and calmly on paper when you are on your own and have time to think.
WRITE A JOURNAL
Keeping a journal also helps. When you write down how you feel it’s a release. It can also help you to understand your emotions instead of getting overwhelmed by them. That will help you communicate with your partner more calmly and effectively.
GIVE HIM SPACE
The Masculine Strength Male needs to switch off at the end of the day. He needs quiet time so that he can retreat and recharge. The Feminine Strength Female is the opposite; she wants to talk everything through. You can talk but you have to pick your moments and give him the space he needs first.
ENCOURAGE HIM TO OPEN UP
Ask very specific but gentle questions in order to encourage the masculine energy to express. Once he does start sharing, don’t interrupt him.
It might drive you crazy that he leaves coffee cups everywhere or that there are wet towels in the bathroom but nagging him won’t help. He’ll feel criticized and attacked and will either get angry or retreat. It’s much more effective to use positive reinforcement. Admire him and praise him when he makes the effort. Tell him how grateful you are that he emptied the dishwasher or brought out the trash. He will do it more.
The Masculine Strength Male wants his partner to be happy; he wants to provide for her and protect her. When she’s unhappy he takes it personally. He feels like he is failing. When you are upset, explain to him that you just need to talk, and that you aren’t blaming him. Tell him that you need his support, and he’ll be there for you.
When the Masculine Strength Male has a problem, he goes away on his own until he can find a way to fix it. If you offer advice when he hasn’t asked for it, he might think that you’re saying that he’s not capable of dealing with the situation himself. Instead, tell him that you have complete faith in his ability to solve the problem. Tell him that you trust him. Let him take charge and make decisions.
STAND UP FOR YOURSELF
The Feminine Strength Female is inclined to let small things slide in order to have a quiet life. The feminine energy hates confrontation. But this doesn’t work in the long run. All the unsaid things build up during a relationship and this causes resentment which usually surfaces at an inappropriate time and way. Learn to stand up for yourself even when it comes to tiny things—like a partner who leaves a mess or is always late. Try practicing with your friends if you like. Your partner will respect you more for it, and believe me—taking a stand will give you a feeling of strength and power that will affect every area of your life.
Give him a foot rub on the sofa or a shoulder massage. Small acts of affection will make him feel connected to you and appreciated.
KEEP THE SPARK ALIVE
Strong physical attraction is something you two have in spades. But even in this relationship, work, children and a busy life can take its toll on your love life. Make time to make love. It’s hugely important to both of you but especially the Masculine Strength Male, who sees sex as a way of showing you his love. If you’re not in the mood he takes it as a personal rejection.
Tips for the Masculine Strength Male
LEARN TO LISTEN
When The Masculine Strength Male talks, he wants to get to the point. When the Feminine Strength Female talks, she does so to express her feelings and connect with others. She doesn’t want you to solve her problems. She just wants your sympathy and understanding. So even if it drives you crazy, listen to her. Give her attention and time. Be understanding when someone upsets her. Do not judge her as weak for her need for reassurance. You will become closer if you can be there for her in this way. You will be her rock.
LET HER CRY
It’s awful to see the woman you love upset, but her tears are not a reflection on you. You’re not a failure because your loved one is crying. For the Feminine Strength Female tears are a healthy release. It makes her feel better. Don’t run away or get angry. Sit with her. Support her. Hug her.
Your big challenge is to open up and share what you feel more. You might not even know what it is you feel but you do have feelings, it’s just that society has told you that feelings are a sign of weakness so you’ve suppressed them. Getting over this will not come easily to you but you don’t need to spend hours talking about your feelings. Just share something. Speak about your fears. Trust that she will be there for you.
BE MORE ROMANTIC
Call her from work to tell her you love her. Book a table at her favorite restaurant. Come home with flowers. These small, romantic gestures will make her feel loved and cherished. Encourage her to treat herself. Tell her that she deserves that new dress or that she should go out and get a massage.
As a Masculine Strength Male you need to start hugging, kissing and touching your partner more often. Not only as a prelude to sex—but also as a way of showing her you care. Learn to practice day to day affection. Start by giving her a hug when you leave and when you come home. Make plans to leave her sweet notes or send her sexy texts throughout the day. Let her know how hot you find her.
GIVE HER A COMPLIMENTS
Masculine Strength Males are not big talkers so compliments don’t come naturally. You might wonder why you need to tell her she looks pretty. You might think she should already know you find her beautiful. But there is a point. It’s amazing to watch a woman melt when you offer a sincere compliment from your heart. A simple “I love your eyes” can work miracles.
Feminine Strength Females need praise. Show that you appreciate the little things your partner does and thank her for them. Don’t take her for granted.