The Bingo Theory: A revolutionary guide to love, life, and relationships - Mimi Ikonn (2016)

Part III. Bingo

"Educating the mind, without educating the heart is no education at all"

- ARISTOTLE

Chapter 10. BECOMING A BINGO FOR MASCULINE STRENGTH MEN AND WOMEN

IN THIS CHAPTER we’ll discover how Masculine Strength Females and Males can bring out their feminine energy. I’ll share simple, actionable tips that you can practice right away.

The first step is to Own Your Strength.

As a Masculine Strength Person, you’re strong, ambitious, reliable and confident. You’re probably flying high at work, and have your finances in order, so most likely you don’t need to work on that side of yourself any more. You do not need to spend more time in the office - do you hear that?

Instead you need to slow down and open up; connect with yourself and with others. You need to get in touch with those weird things called ‘feelings’.

How do you do that?

Let me show you how my friend Chloe brought out her feminine energy. You may remember that Chloe was on the verge of being made the youngest partner at her law firm after years of hard work and sacrifice. She spent her 30th birthday alone in the office, but she told herself it was all for a greater cause.

Shortly after her solitary birthday, Chloe was called into a meeting where she was told she wasn’t going to make partner. “The timing’s not right, maybe next year,” the other partners told her.

She felt like she had been kicked in the stomach. She felt betrayed. She felt her world crumble.

For the next six months Chloe kept going to work but for the first time in her life, she didn’t care. She did the bare minimum. She could hardly look her colleagues in the eye. She felt like they were all laughing at her.

At night she went home and sat in front of the television. Weekends stretched out endlessly. She didn’t know what to do with herself. She realized how empty her life was outside of work.

Then one day she called her old school friend, Anna. “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life,” she said. “For the first time in my life, I don’t know what’s next. I don’t have a plan.” She cried for the first time in as long as she could remember—and it felt good.

Over the next few months Chloe met up with old friends. She went to visit them and meet their children. She used to look down on these people for leading boring, ordinary lives. But now they seemed like the lucky ones. They had love and people around them. What did Chloe have? Slowly but surely Chloe realized that if she wanted to get a life, she needed to get away from work. She went to HR and did something unthinkable - she asked for a three- month sabbatical.

A set back at work can cause Masculine Strength People to reassess their whole lives. This is usually a good thing. For years Chloe got her sense of identity and purpose from her work. It wasn’t just one part of her life - it was her whole life.

When Chloe got passed up for the partnership, it was devastating. She felt humiliated, let down, like a failure. But it was a good lesson to her that although work is important it should never be a person’s whole life. That cliché came to life for her: nobody lies on their death bed wishing they’d spent more time in the office. Friendships, relationships and love are what really matter - and to access those you need to use your feminine energy.

Chloe started reaching out to old friends and for the first time in her life she was vulnerable with them. Instead of being the one with all the answers, she admitted she was struggling. Instead of being the one to help everyone else, she let others help her. All of this involved using her feminine energy.

The amazing thing was that this did not make her feel weak- quite the opposite. She felt the power of being loved. She realized that she didn’t need to ‘do’ anything, she could just ‘be’. Sometimes that was enough. For once she felt at peace.

Now, what about Andrew, our Masculine Strength Male who was on the brink of burning out? He wasn’t able to sleep and it was affecting his work. It felt like his mind—the mind that had gotten him so far— was spinning out of control.

Andrew had not slept properly in weeks, and was finding it impossible to concentrate. His bosses were noticing. He became constantly fearful of when the next panic attack would come - what if it happened in the middle of a meeting? His mind was racing all the time. He couldn’t switch off. In the middle of the night, he’d Google things like: ‘I can’t focus. I am having a hard time going to work. My mind is all over the place. What is depression?’

Finally, Andrew reached out to John, an old family friend, who was in town for a couple of nights. Over dinner, he told John everything. It was the first time he’d admitted to anyone what was happening.

John listened patiently until Andrew had run out of words.

“This is your body’s way of telling you it’s time to slow down,” John said. “You’re not losing it - actually it’s quite the opposite. This is your wake up call.”

He asked Andrew a series of questions: Where do you want to be ten years from now? Not professionally, but personally. What kind of a man do you want to be? Do you want to keep going down the path you are on? Do you want to be the kind of man that sleeps with twenty-year-olds when he’s fifty? Don’t you want more in your life than work?

Andrew responded that he planned to retire at forty-five - once he’d made his millions. He just needed to keep focused for the next few years.

“If you keep going the way you’re going, you’ll have a heart attack by the time you’re forty-five,” said John. “I’ve seen it happen.”

It was a shock.

Shortly after that dinner, Andrew bumped into his ex-girlfriend, from college. They were at a mutual friend’s wedding. She was there with her husband and their baby. She looked beautiful and happy. He felt that same feeling he had when they were together all those years ago -she was everything he was not.

The next day he went to the doctor and got signed off from work for two months due to stress.

For the first two weeks, he didn’t leave the house. He slept, he watched television, he looked at the ceiling. Then a book arrived in the post. It was from John, and it was called —the Power of Now. He didn’t understand it entirely, but he read a bit every night. He started meditating ten minutes a day and it seemed to help. He even went away on a meditation retreat. It was torture to sit still and face the nothingness of life - but he did it and it helped him tremendously to feel calm, peaceful and equanimous.

One weekend he went back to his parents’ house. It was his first visit in months. He slept in his childhood room and walked around the park he used to play in as a child. He found his old guitar and picked it up. He started playing around with it. He wasn’t any good but it didn’t matter. Playing it relaxed him. Slowly but surely he started to feel calmer. He felt like he had come back home, in more ways than one.

It is very easy for Masculine Strength People to work crazy hours and burn out. Work, after all, is everything to them. They ignore the signs that they need to slow down until they get sick, stop sleeping or get panic attacks, as Andrew did.

Andrew was terrified of admitting any weakness to others and of asking for help, but reaching out to John was the best thing Andrew could do. Masculine Strength Males find it very hard to confide in each other. They believe that sharing their struggles makes them less of a man. But using your feminine energy to be vulnerable and trust others is the most courageous thing you can do. Masculine Strength People often feel like they are alone and have to stay strong. That’s not true. When you use your feminine energy, you realize that we are all connected.

It didn’t take much to get Andrew back on track. Meditating, journaling and playing the guitar helped him get in touch with his feelings and his creativity—in other words, his feminine energy. These activities helped him relax. He learned that getting ahead is not the only reason to do things-you can do things just for the pleasure of it.

Developing Your Feminine Energy

Few of us push things to the extremes as Andrew did. But if you rely too heavily on your masculine energy and you need some balance in life here are my suggestions.

Don’t try to do all of them at once. Pick one or two things that you can try this week. It’s better to make small but consistent baby steps than to do too much and then give up after a month.

Get in Touch with Your Emotions

Masculine Strength People suppress their emotions. They think feelings are for wimps and something they don’t have time for. Like it or not, however, we are all emotional creatures. If you’re not in touch with your feelings, they will manifest in unhealthy ways.

So here’s an exercise to get you going. Every morning ask yourself, “How am I feeling?” Think of three words to describe it. Don’t judge your feelings or analyze them; just let them be exactly what they are. It might be that you don’t even know what you’re feeling - this is common - but stay with it. If you give it time, your feelings will surface. Don’t run away or distract yourself. Just sit with them. If this makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s fine. You’re a naturally courageous person so just apply your courage here. When you allow yourself to feel the discomfort, it will pass.

Express

Once you’re in touch with your feelings it’s time to share them. Next time you feel an emotion such as stress, anger or anxiety, call or meet up with a friend and talk about your feelings. It doesn’t have to be a long conversation; simply expressing a feeling in a few sentences enables you to use your feminine energy—remember the feminine energy loves to talk. The purpose of the exercise is not to fix the problem, it is just to share.

Not only will this work wonders for your own happiness and relationships, but it can also have massive boost to your health. A study by the Harvard School of Public Health and the University of Rochester revealed that people who bottle up their emotions are 35 per cent more likely to have a premature death than those who express how they feel. Why? One theory is that when we keep a lid on how we feel, we turn to alcohol, cigarettes, junk food and drugs. Another theory is that the stress of keeping the lid on feelings affects our hormone balance, which can have a damaging effect on our health.

Ask for Help

Masculine Strength People are too proud to ask for help and don’t like letting go of control. They think that asking for help is weak. They don’t want to look needy or admit to others that they don’t know everything. The truth is that asking for help is incredibly brave. You reveal your vulnerability, which is one of the most courageous things any of us can do. It also gives others a gift—the opportunity to show how much they care. Your relationships will blossom when you learn to use your feminine energy and lean on others.

Spend Time with Feminine Strength Friends

We pick up the energy of those around us. Spend time with Feminine Strength People. If you don’t have any Feminine Strength Friends, it could be because you subconsciously judge the feminine energy as weak, superficial, silly and even sometimes stupid. This is not the truth. This is your masculine energy making you cynical and judgmental. So, make a new Feminine Strength friend. They are most likely already in your life—at work or in your extended network of friends. Take the lead; introduce yourself and suggest meeting up for a coffee. Notice if you find yourself getting impatient with them. When this happens take a breath. Just because they go at a different pace than you do doesn’t mean they are a waste of your time. My Feminine Strength Friends help me to de-stress, laugh more and remind me to take better care of myself.

Spend Time Alone

It’s important to spend time alone. Masculine Strength People tend to lean toward extroversion—the masculine energy is all about how we are in the outside world. As a result, Masculine Strength People are uncomfortable being alone. However, research shows that spending time on our own makes us more creative and empathetic and it also improves our relationships with others. Schedule a bi-weekly date with yourself. Go to a cafe and read a book. Or go for a walk in the park. It will help you connect to nature, but most importantly it will help you connect to yourself. Being introspective will bring out your feminine energy.

Take a Nap

Yes, that’s right—do nothing. Take a break. Put your feet up. Look out the window. Masculine Strength People think that doing nothing is indulgent, but it’s in our quiet moments that some of our greatest ideas come; and by resting we perform better. Power naps of fewer than 30 minutes—even those as brief as 6 and 10 minutes—restore wakefulness and promote performance and learning. NASA found that pilots who take a 25-minute nap are 35 percent more alert and twice as focused.

Meditate

Research shows that meditation helps relieve a number of things including stress, anxiety, anger and depression. It also promotes clear and creative thinking. Sitting still and doing nothing is hell for most Masculine Strength People, but it will change everything. Try apps such as Headspace, Calm, or the Tara Brach podcast with guided meditations.

Have Massages

Not only are massages relaxing, but they have also been found to boost levels of the ‘love hormone’ oxytocin. Studies have revealed that oxytocin makes us more trusting and more inclined to connect with other people. It also improves empathy and monogamy - both of which are great for a highly sexed Masculine Strength Male who finds it hard to commit. Gentle massages have been found to boost oxytocin more than deep massages, so ask for soft strokes rather than an intense massage.

Get a Pet

Studies have also found that petting a dog releases oxytocin within you. It thereby helps you to bond not just with the animal but with humans too. Masculine Strength People are naturally suspicious, guarded and skeptical, but they are able to open their heart to animals, because they pose no threat. If you can’t get a pet, visit animals in a shelter or farm to tap into your caring feminine energy.

Find a Creative hobby

Start a hobby that has no competitive element, like painting, writing, playing an instrument, singing, photography, sculpture, or dancing. Anything that gets you spending time in your aesthetic, creative side will help you develop and be comfortable with your feminine energy. Such hobbies can also help you get in touch with your feelings.

Laugh

Watch comedies, or even try laughter yoga. Masculine Strength People tend to be quite serious and focused; laughter helps us to lighten up. It also helps us to bond with others. Research at the University College London has shown that that couples who laugh with each other get over tensions quicker than partners who don't. The study also found that strangers who watch a funny film together are more likely to share intimate information afterwards.

Dress Up

Experiments have shown that the clothes you wear don’t just affect how other people view you. They also affect how you yourself feel and act—a phenomenon called ‘enclothed cognition.’ It will be good for you to wear clothes that help you get in touch with your feminine energy. For guys, try a soft fabric sweater or a pair of up-to-date glasses. For women, try a pair of heels, a floaty, feminine skirt; or even just a piece of striking jewelry. Take care of your appearance, even when you go to bed. Treat yourself to some fancy nightwear or some sexy lingerie. Every Masculine Strength Person I know goes to bed in an old t-shirt, every Feminine Strength Person has matching pajamas.

Gentle Exercise

Most Masculine Strength People like aggressive or competitive sports. This is only going to increase your masculine energy. Instead, try gentle and fluid movement such as restorative (also called yin) yoga, tai chi, swimming and dancing. Forms of exercise like this will help you relax, breathe and be in your body. They get you connecting with yourself rather than beating someone else.

Eat Healthily

Masculine Strength People are not very aware, respectful or loving towards their bodies. They will eat pizza after a late night in the office and grab a sandwich on the go. A vital part of self-care is eating food that nourishes you. Read up on nutrition so you know the proper foods to eat and avoid. For example, when out at a restaurant choose salad or fish over steak. It will make a huge difference in how you feel. Better nutrition will also help you perform better.

Be in Nature

Being in nature will help you feel calm and still, which will help you connect to the beauty of the world. All this brings out your feminine energy. Studies have found that people who took a 90-minute walk in nature had lower levels of negative thoughts compared to those who walked in an urban setting. Such walks also boost creativity and cognitive abilities.

Unplug

Masculine Strength People don’t know when to switch off. They often answer e-mails at 1:00 a.m., spend Sunday afternoons working, and never spend all of their vacation time. Make one day a week an un-plug day where you don’t use any technology. Spend that day connecting with yourself, your family and friends. Go on a vacation. Your priorities in life look very different when you’ve had enough rest and you’ve enjoyed quality time with the people you love.

Acupuncture

Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioners believe that all illness comes as a result of an imbalance between yin and yang—in other words your feminine and your masculine energy. Acupuncture involves inserting very fine needles into meridian points around the body to clear blockages and facilitate the balanced flow of energy. Countless studies have shown its ability to relieve a number of things Masculine Strength People experience including anxiety, insomnia, depression, infertility, back pain, headaches and arthritis.

Heartmath

Heartmath is a fantastic training that helps you reduce stress, which can improve the quality of your life, as well as increase your lifespan. It helps you synchronize your brain and hearth for optimal stress resistance. It trains you to optimize your heartbeat to levels that are normally only possible with deep meditation and yoga. A red light flashes when your heart shows signs of stress. When this happens you know it is time to take long, deep breaths. When you are back to a healthy heart rhythm, a blue or green light appears. A green light signifies that you are in a state of high coherence. It’s a great way to become aware of how stress is affecting your body and do something about it.

Have a Bath

Masculine Strength People don't like baths. Who has the time to sit around in a bubble bath all day when you can take a quick shower and get to work? Getting in touch with your feminine energy is all about slowing down and connecting with your sensual side. It is also about indulging. Treat yourself to some beautiful bath oils and rub in body lotion afterwards.

Read Fiction

At night, read a fiction book, not a business book or a biography. It will help you escape into an imaginary world for pure enjoyment. Beyond that, research from the New School for Social Research has found that reading literary fiction enhances the ability to detect and understand other people’s emotions. It gives you a glimpse into people’s inner worlds and helps you not to judge them, which are great ways to use your feminine energy.

Write a Journal

Studies show that expressive writing can also be a great way to get in touch with your feelings. The Five-Minute Journal is an easy way to start writing for Masculine Strength People. Tim Ferriss is a fan. Another method is to try Morning Pages. This is when you write three pages of stream of consciousness writing first thing in the morning. Your three pages can be about anything and everything. They are to be read by no one but you. The aim is not to write anything good, but to put on paper whatever is in your head. It’s a fantastic way to get in touch with your feelings and express yourself.

Listen to Music

Listening to music increases levels of oxytocin, the hormone released to help us bond with others. It also helps us to get in touch with our emotions. A study at the Free University of Berlin found that when we listen to sad songs we feel a mixture of nostalgia, peacefulness, tenderness, transcendence and wonder. Think of it as an emotional workout to pump up your feminine energy.

Be Spontaneous

Masculine Strength People love structure and can be control freaks. In order to use your feminine energy, go with the flow once in a while. If a situation arises different from what you planned, instead of fighting it and attempting to control the situation—just go with it. Be open-minded. Trust that everything will be OK. And instead of scheduling every minute of your week, leave yourself some free time—space to be spontaneous and do whatever you feel like doing that day.

"Develop the strength of a man, but live as gently as a woman."

- LAO TZU

How I Balance Myself

When I share the Bingo Theory with people, most say, “Oh, you must have so much feminine energy because you like fashion and beauty. You are always dressed up and have make-up on. You’re so easy-going, fun and kind.” They’re right. I do have those qualities. But they don’t always come naturally. I’m a actually a Masculine Strength Female.

As a kid growing up in Azerbaijan I was a tomboy. I had no interest in hair or make-up. I loved wearing jeans, playing with boys, climbing trees and running around. Leyla, my sister, was the girlie one who always wore dresses and sat around talking with her girl friends.

Only in my teenage years did I develop any interest in beauty or fashion. I remember the day I wore my first skirt. It was a check kilt that my grandpa bought me— and I loved it. As soon as I put it on, I felt different. I realized that when I took care of my appearance I felt better and the world responded differently to me. I was expressing my feminine energy for the first time.

When I was sixteen, we moved to Toronto, Canada.

Moving to the other side of the world, where my parents had no jobs, and none of us had any family or friends was very challenging.

There was one moment that I’ll never forget. I had just started to make friends at school and I asked my parents for money to go to the movies one weekend. They said they were sorry but they didn’t have the money. It must have been so difficult for them to say that to their daughter, but in that moment I only saw my own pain.

I locked myself up in my room and cried for the rest of the evening. I blamed my parents. I felt sorry for myself, and I worried about what my new friends would think of me.

That evening something very formative happened. After crying for hours into a pillow, I calmed down and wiped the tears from my red, puffy face. I took a deep breath and sighed. I realized in that moment that if I wanted anything in life, I’d have to get it myself. I couldn’t rely on anyone but myself.

When I had that recognition I felt this immense strength inside of me —it was my masculine energy.

Shortly after that I found a bit of work babysitting and then got a job at a fast-food chain. The new jobs were tough at first, but I was grateful to make my own money and to feel independent. It felt empowering.

For the next six years I split my time between several jobs and school. I worked in a bank in the morning, went to school in the afternoon, and waitressed at night. I had no days off, no weekends.

With the money I brought in I helped my parents pay mortgage on our new house. I was so proud of myself.

But the cracks started to show. Whenever I had a few hours off I felt lost and overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to do when I wasn’t working.

And then I burned out. I had a mid life crisis at the age of 22! Or a quarter life crisis, I guess. I was exhausted, empty and anxious. I would look in the mirror in the washroom at work and ask myself, “What’s the point of all of this? Why am I even here?”

I had pains in my chest and heart palpitations. I couldn’t go on like this any longer. I needed some time for reflection. I no longer saw the purpose of anything.

My first burnout was a wake-up call. It was my feminine energy demanding that I slow down and look after myself.

I started to care more about what I ate and drank, and I began to exercise regularly. I realized that I had to find work that would help me become balanced so I trained to be an image consultant. I loved the creative challenges of fashion and I loved helping people. But I was also decisive and clear in my advice—and I had no problem charging people for my time. Without realizing it, I used both my masculine and feminine energies. That’s why I enjoyed it so much.

Years later, I still live my life in a way that allows me to use both my masculine and feminine energies. Not only at work but also in my personal life.

In the business I now have with my husband, I mainly manage the creative part of things because it makes me happy and further develops my feminine energy. I could do the books - that comes easily to me but I know it will make me miserable. Instead, I focus my energy on the creative work and styling for our products, videos and photography. Of course there is so much more that I do on a daily basis, although I have to admit— that’s my favorite part.

As a Masculine Strength Female, I find it hard to express my emotions and feelings. My YouTube videos push me to face my fears and talk openly about my thoughts, feelings, dreams and ideas.

But it takes constant effort. My natural strength is always going to be my masculine energy. It’s easy for me to make business decisions, have a clear vision, manage people and lead people to do what needs to be done. My natural style is to push myself, to work harder.

It takes constant effort for me to learn how to sugar coat things and be gentler when I communicate with staff. My tendency is to be blunt and aggressive because the masculine energy is always direct. It’s my natural tendency to tell someone, “This isn’t good enough!” Instead I make a conscious effort to start my conversations by saying, “So I noticed this needs to be changed…”

In my personal life, I learned that I love feeding people. It makes me feel nurturing. It’s my way of showing that I care. I also hug people more. I used to be reserved. But it feels good to hug because it taps into my feminine energy. It brings out the connectedness, the compassion and the love in me.

I now go for regular massages, acupunctures and sometimes even facials—something that would never have been a priority before. I meditate for a minimum of 10 minutes every morning and evening. It has profound effect on my day. It helps me feel calm, relaxed and peaceful.

Spending time with animals also helps me tremendously. If I see a cat or dog on the street, I’ll sit down to pet it, because I can feel how it opens my heart—and that’s the joy of life.

I don’t want to only have masculine energy and I don’t want to only have feminine energy - I want to experience both. We are all capable of doing that.

I want to go from super-powerful, get-things-done mode, to being there when a friend needs me mode. I want to be kind and compassionate but firm in my communications. Like a good handshake, that is neither too gentle, nor too strong. The balance makes all the difference. The art is in knowing when to use my masculine energy and when to use my feminine energy. It’s a dance. And it’s beautiful.

SUMMARY

BECOMING A BINGO FOR MASCULINE STRENGTH MEN AND WOMEN

IN THE LAST SECTION you learned how to become more balanced. But this will only work only if you take action—slow, steady, consistent action.

It’s important to understand that this is not a quick fix. We must continue to maintain this balance throughout our lives.

We are always changing. We are all made of energy and energy is always flowing through us. There will be times when you use more masculine energy and times when you use more feminine.

As you become more balanced, you will learn to dance between the two energies and use whichever one is appropriate for the situation.

If you are a Feminine Strength Person, your task is to bring out your masculine energy by being more assertive, focused and organized. Make a plan. Get up and do something. Do anything.

When you combine these skills with your own natural fun, love and creativity, you will feel energy and confidence that you never had before. You will use your head as well as your heart. You will be strong yet gentle. This is a winning combination, a Bingo!

If you are a Masculine Strength Person, your challenge is to bring out your feminine energy by being less controlling and more open. You must learn to get in touch with your feelings and connect with others. You must learn to stop doing and learn to just be.

When you use your heart as well as your head, your life will open up to you. It will be like going from black and white to a rainbow of colors. You will have passion, love and peace in your life. You will be that winning combination, a Bingo!

When you have both energies you become a Bingo. Then you’re ready to meet the partner of your dreams and have your Bingo relationship—a relationship that’s entirely different from the kind of relationships most people have in the world today.