How To Be Right: The Art of Being Persuasively Correct (2015)

23

CROSS-DRESS

In order to win, many Democrats will put on costumes to appear less like a Democrat.

Which raises a question: if you need to pretend to be a Republican to win elections, why not just be a Republican at all times? Why be a liberal, then turn right to ensure survival?

Because the media won’t allow it.

Democrats are slaves to political correctness because they know they will be crucified if they are not (they see it happen to the Republicans they secretly agree with). They placated the media police, and now they live in the jail they built.

When liberals need to win over voters, they change. Suddenly common sense erupts like a reality geyser.

They embrace coal. They talk tough on crime. They talk about jobs, national security, Iran, and other stuff that matters.

And the media gets it, and plays along—the same way they always do when libs lie. (See Obama and his phony denial about gay marriage. Or rather, don’t see it. Because, unless you go looking very hard for it, you’re unlikely to find it. That’s another thing the left is good at disguising: history.)

What does it tell you that the Democrats are the only party that needs a disguise to win? It tells you that they’re smart enough to know they suck. And that’s pretty damn smart, if you ask me.

For they realize that in times of crisis, you must become a conservative. Conservatives, after all, are interested in conserving what they have. Liberals are romanced by risk. As I’ve said, one can be a liberal only in periods of calm. But when the going gets rough, every damn conservative value becomes necessary: security, suspicion, safety, guns, a distrust of kale. It was amazing how many liberals sounded like conservatives when Ebola or ISIS arrived. Liberals, aware that their ideology is fundamentally useless in times of strife, switch when it matters. There were very few “progressive” matters in Congress on 9/12.

Then conservatives dive in and help (see Reagan after Carter). We do our thing—straighten shit up—until the media calls us callous and cold, and in comes another liberal. This cycle has been going on since there were dinosaurs (which is, like, well over a thousand years ago!). The luxury of calm leads to amnesia, then chaos.

You’re seeing this play out now as law enforcement comes under attack by the left. After decades of dramatic reductions in crime, the police have become victims of their own success. No one remembers how bad things were, especially if you got conked on the head and robbed back in 1993. In which case your memory is probably shot anyway.

So if liberals can cross-dress so easily, without getting an actual sex change…why can’t conservatives? Why can’t we wear a costume to win votes? Bait and switch!

It’s time to do the same thing. Let’s make Halloween every day and pretend. Use their language to make your case. It will leave them speechless.

That means, if you’re a Republican, you might at times need to slip into the bullshit costume, while winking to your voters. That means…lying.

And enjoying every minute of it.

THREE TO WIN

How to become a liberal in three easy steps:

1.Care. About anything. Just say, “I care.”

2.Say we need to “tackle” the problem. It’s the only tackling that the left finds acceptable.

3.Out-concern them. When they say something is bad, say, “It’s actually worse.” Extra points if you say the problem is “systemic.”

FORGET THE SECOND AMENDMENT, IT’S CLASS WARFARE

Rather than saying owning a gun is as fundamental as breathing, embrace precaution, responsibility. Agree with concerns of the antigun lobby: note that it’s refreshing that liberals care about your rights as a gun owner.

Invite them shooting. If they refuse, ask them how they can judge something they refuse to experience. Refusing such an offer is bigoted, frankly. It’s like refusing to enter a mosque! Or enjoying ethnic food! Or eating kebabs in a mosque! What happened to your open-mindedness? After all, black people shoot guns too! You won’t come to the range? What are you—racist?

Fact: There will never be a realized version of gun control, because it’s actually gun confiscation. If nothing else, that is an unconstitutional taking. It’s more or less the legal equivalent of an unwarranted public domain action (I know this not because I’m a lawyer, but because I saw an episode about it on The Good Wife). And they know it. So let liberals feel some progress, pat them on the head, and everything will be fine.

Call It What It Is

WHAT IT’S CALLED

WHAT YOU CALL IT

gun control

misogyny

birth control

girl control

global warming

starvation reduction

militarization

fashion smarts

amnesty

cheating

IT’S NOT RACISM, IT’S ASSHOLES

★ Admit that racism not only existed, but still exists (not a lie, this is true: we have 317 million people…I’m willing to guess at least a million or so are racist jackasses). And then ask your opponents if their solution for reducing racism is anything superior to the NYPD’s, a minority-driven majority that has reduced black death substantially. The NYPD has done more for young blacks than Al Sharpton, Maxine Waters, In Living Color, and the Wu-Tang Clan combined.

However, you can’t simply tell Al Sharpton he sucks and expect him to listen (not unless you are paying him to listen). Here I am pessimistic: so many people involved in these contemporary race wars do not want a solution. The conflict is too profitable, and race has become a conduit for revolution—in some cases, a violent one. What could not be accomplished through Occupy Wall Street is now being funneled through Ferguson. And a person who wants cops dead is no person you should be debating anyway. Which means you should avoid career social-justice agitators, or anyone with tenure and a ponytail.

GOOD NEWS IS BAD NEWS

Liberals hate good news. Think about it. Who loses if this simple truth is uttered: liberal or conservative? Fill in the blanks below with one of those two choices.

1.Things are getting better for blacks in America.

2.We’re making the rivers cleaner.

3.We have more trees in America than ever.

4.According to the numbers, we don’t have to keep pouring money into school programs that are really welfare deals.

5.Higher temperatures save lives.

6.The polar bears are fine.

7.The majority of NYPD officers are minorities.

8.Domestic production is making us less dependent on foreign oil and foreign tyrants.

IF YOU DENY RADICAL ISLAM, THEN YOU ARE A RACIST!

Always condemn those who are bigoted against Muslims. Then ask how your adversaries feel about a set of ideas, not a set of people. Can one be bigoted against a set of ideas? If they say yes, they’re conflating extremism with Islam—making themselves the bigots.

One can love Muslims but hate tenets of Islam that are shitty to women, gays, and nonbelievers. Despising jihad and fatwas does not make one a bigot. For they are ideas, not races. If your adversary thinks that’s the case, then he is the actual bigot, for he believes condemning fatwas is the same as condemning Islam. Mildly chastise him for not being able to separate Muslims from the hate espoused in various Islamic factions. And for not sticking up for women, gays, and nonbelievers. Tell him that his narrow-mindedness depresses you. “Oh, evolve!” you say. Then sit back and watch the cognitive dissonance commence.

YES, SEXISM IS BAD, BUT WHO’S THE WORST AT IT?

Sexism exists. For example, a current study shows women prefer male bosses over female. How sexist is that? It’s terrible. How do we force women to change their minds? Should we? I mean, if we try to convince women that men aren’t better bosses, even though they feel that way, isn’t that sexist, too? Why can’t we take women at their word? Sexism must be tackled at its root—and these sexist women must be stopped. They should be fired! Oh wait.

And what about women who get enraged over criticism of female candidates, celebrities, and so on, but never when similar criticism is directed at men? This sexism—a belief that women are incapable of withstanding criticism—must be stopped. It is only when women can handle the brutal criticism that men face every day, without defense from those who believe women are weak, that we will have reached true equality. Stop coddling these women! It’s so sexist!