Celtic Women's Spirituality: Accessing the Cauldron of Life - Edain McCoy 1998
The Bonding of Soulfriends: Ritual for Two
The Celtic concept of the anamchara, or soulfriend, is both a spiritual and an emotional obligation. Unlike the usual hierarchical relationships that characterized Celtic society, the soulfriends were partners, equals. She was your teacher and student, your dependent and your solace, your confessor and your leader, a person with whom you shared wisdom and spiritual teachings.249 This was someone you trusted with your life and with your soul, and who trusted you in return. So ingrained and special was this practice that it was adopted as an integral part of monastic life in the early Celtic church in Ireland.250 Though this practice is—not very widely known, it is still very much a part of the living tradition of Celtic Paganism, and is growing in popularity, especially among women.
The soulfriend is a concept foreign to the mindset of most modern religious leaders, who are used to thinking only in terms of leader/follower. While in many ways the soulfriend functions like a godparent in modern Christianity, it is primarily a bonding of two equals on the same spiritual journey. Soulfriends balance out each other’s strengths and weaknesses. They want what you want for yourself, they give without jealousy, and they take as they give.
It is not hard to see why such a concept is finding favor with modem Pagan women. Women are the ones most likely to eschew hierarchies and seek co-leaders on equal terms.251 It is no accident that the majority of covens (at least those that I know of) that operate in an egalitarian manner are made up either of all women, mostly women, or are operated primarily by women. Women seek to bond and, as the popular books that discuss the language differences between men and women have pointed out, we are inclined to use interaction to find parity and common ground, not to seek rank.
Women enjoy the “best friend” status, a relationship that many men have a great deal of trouble fully understanding. Best friends are admitted into the court of the true inner self. A woman’s best friend is often closer to her in many ways than is her mate, and is privy to thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams, that are frequently withheld from the mate. It is a relationship of give and take. Sometimes one woman is the stronger; sometimes the roles are reversed. We are not ashamed to bare our souls to our best friends. We are not lessened by our tears and anxieties, nor is our pride or sense of our inherent femininity impaired by displaying weak moments. In the Celtic spiritual tradition, this makes two women on the same spiritual path naturals for the role of soulfriends.
By ritualizing this soulfriend commitment, we acknowledge to each other and to our Goddesses that we understand this dual role of mentor/follower, teacher/student, godparent/child, strong/weak, and so on. We outwardly make the commitment to what we have been committed inwardly all along. We are now conscious of our obligation to, and our dependence on, one another. When this commitment is ritually made, it grows deeper as the meaning of the ritual becomes impressed on our psyches and we become consciously aware of the depth of our bonding. This takes the soul of two friends into the realm of wholeness and of the divine, as the unity of two souls has been seen in many cultures as symbolic of the union of Goddess and God—a totality of being.
What a soulfriend is not is a crutch. She is not someone who bears all your burdens, but who shares them so that your load is lightened. She does not have the answers to all your problems, but will lend a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on, and will help you seek out the best answers for yourself.
Soulfriends are, above all, equals. This cannot be stressed enough. The ritual is not an excuse for divvying up the workload caused by newcomers to your coven so that you can pair them off with your more experienced people. The soulfriend relationship is a consensual union of equals who are on the same spiritual path, at about the same level of experience, who choose to help each other and to ritually make a commitment to deepen their already tight bonds.
Preparing for the Ritual
The ritual in this chapter may be used or adapted as you like. Your bonding ritual can be joyous or solemn, or contain elements of both. It should symbolize your unity and your commitment, but should also have personal meaning based on the common ground you already share. If you wish to include a private joke or a symbol that doesn’t mean anything to anyone but the two of you, go ahead. This will make your ritual more meaningful.
Do not be tempted to use binding spells in your ritual that will literally tie your souls together. Though this union should be thought of as a relationship that will endure throughout this lifetime, more permanent and stable than most marriages, you are each there of your own free will, and nothing should interfere with that. In the same way that you might ask yourself how much satisfaction there is in having a lover who is with you because she came to you and stayed with you under the influence of binding magick, ask yourself how satisfying a soulfriend would be who was coerced in the same way. The Celts cherished their freedom, and so should you.
Prior to the ritual, you both should spend lots of time in meditation, apart and together, considering the implications of formalizing your bonds of friendship. If, at this point, either party wishes to cancel or postpone this ritual, that decision should be respected. Many people get nervous about ritual commitments at the last minute. This only shows that your potential soulfriend is taking her obligation seriously, and her hesitation should not alter your close friendship in any way.
For the ritual in this chapter you will need the following items:
✵ Three taper candles; one to represent each of you, and one to represent your union. You may choose any colors you like, but it is nice if the colors have a theme of unity. For instance, if your individual candles are blue and red, you might want to make the unity candle violet. Mixing blue and red make violet, a color related to the soul in magickal spells.
✵ Three candleholders that fit your chosen candles and that are wide enough at the base to keep wax drippings off the floor.
✵ A chalice to represent your unity, and two other smaller chalices, cups, or drinking glasses to represent each of you as individuals. The two smaller cups should be filled about one-third full with water or some other liquid (which you will be drinking) before the ritual begins.
✵ Acrylic paints in assorted colors.
✵ Paint brushes in assorted sizes.
✵ Two three-foot dowel rods (unfinished) about 1 to 1.5 inches wide. These are inexpensive and very easy to find in craft or hardware stores. Prepare them for the ritual by sanding the ends until they are gently rounded. As you do this, you should be visualizing the wand as a channel of power for future rituals done in your unity.
✵ A gift or spiritual token for your soulfriend. It should remain your secret until it is presented during the ritual.
✵ An altar cloth or floor covering (optional).
✵ A box of tissues. This ritual can be very emotional!
The Anamchara Bonding Ritual
Gather all your needed items and go, at the appropriate time, to the place you have chosen for your ritual. Do not plan to use a traditional altar for this, but instead place all the items on the ground or floor in the center of the circle (in a manner similar to the drawing shown in this chapter). If you are of the belief that your magickal implements will be lessened or their power grounded by this contact, you may use some type of floor covering or altar cloth.
Cast your circle together, sharing all duties equally (see Appendix C for guidance if you are unfamiliar with this practice). When the circle is cast, sit down near the middle facing one another, orienting yourselves in any directions you feel comfortable with. This face-to-face posture has been traditionally used in Wicca for passing information and teachings, and is believed to promote the efficient flow of power of teacher to student and back again.
At this point you should both pick up the cups that represent you as individuals. Starting with whichever one of you that you chose (this will be you in this example), take a sip of the liquid and make this or a similar statement:
I drink deep from the cup of the Goddess. Her blood is mine and I am hers. She who knows every secret of my heart blesses you who shares this knowledge. Drink deep of my spirit.
The concept that drink-sharing can bond people and seal vows is an ancient one still seen used in the marriage ceremonies of east Asia and the Middle East. The often-heard phrase, “Let’s have a drink on it,” has its origins in these beliefs.
Pass the cup across the circle to the other woman and allow her to drink from the cup. When she is done, she should set it down at her side and lift her own cup. The ritual of drinking, speaking, and passing the cup should be re, peated by her. When you are both finished drinking, take your cups and slowly pour their contents—in unison—into the larger center chalice, which represents your unity. As you pour the liquid together, make a prepared state, ment in unison such as:
Two bodies sharing one soul. Two hearts beating in unison. Two lives striving to know, to teach, to learn, to take, and to give. In you I have found my soulfriend.
The other woman should lift the chalice and hold it to your lips for you to drink and say:
By this I acknowledge before our Goddess what I have given you all along-myself. I am your friend. I am your teacher. I am your student. I am your dependent. Iam your solace and comfort. I am your shield and your rock, your child and your mother, your sister and your mentor.
After you have taken a drink, hold the cup for your soulfriend and make the same pledge to her. Then allow her to drink from the chalice.
Starting with the one who was not the first to speak over the cups (the other woman in this example), that woman should take a match and light the individual candle sitting at her right hand. As she does this she should make a statement about it representing her spiritual self. After she is done you should do the same.
The unlit candle that sits in between you and your soulfriend represents not only your unity, but the greater potential of two spirits on the same journey, each encouraging and helping the other. As you move to join your flames over the wick of the center candle, make a prepared unison statement such as:
By this ritual I am bound to you as your friend of the soul—your anamchara. See our flames shine brightly, burning hotter and stronger together than they can separately. As we continue on the Celtic path, on the way of the Goddess, I vow by earth and air, by fire and water, by moon and sun, to be your teacher and student. I am your shoulder for crying upon, and I am the lamp that lights the path of your feet. I am the one whose eyes eagerly seek you out in a crowded world. I am your child, to be nurtured and taught, to be cared for and cherished. I am your shield and your sword, your book and your circle—part of your center of being, as you are mine. All my wisdom and all my secrets Ishare with you for as long as this life endures. Until we meet in Tri na mBan, so mote it be.
At this point you may each have a chance to speak about other feelings you have. Trust that at this moment your emotions will be running very high, which is why you have that box of tissues nearby!
You may at this time present to each other the gift or token you have brought to seal the soulfriend ritual. I suggest that you select something that can be used in a ritual setting. A piece of Celtic-style jewelry such as a torque (neckpiece) or a niam-linn (headband) is very appropriate. So are other pieces of ritual jewelry, special stones, divination devices, or magickal tools.
When you have exchanged gifts, set all your other materials aside leaving only the unity candle burning between you and your soulfriend. Take the dowels and paints and begin making a soulfriend wand for the other woman. This will be a tool that represents your spiritual unity, and is to be used in situations where the two of you are working together or doing magick or healing for one another. Don’t feel these have to be made seriously. You may add touches of merriment or symbols of private jokes to the wand. A sense of humor is a cherished thing in a friend, and laughter can be as bonding as any formal ritual. Feel free to keep talking as you work, basking in your bond, your memories, and your newfound soul-status with each other.
When you are both done, pass the wand to your new soulfriend and explain anything painted on it that has not already been explained during the course of its creation. Allow the time for both of you to add your own touches to your new wands.
When you feel ready, extinguish the unity candle and close the circle. Lastly, take the liquid from your unity chalice outside and, together, pour it onto mother earth as a libation to her. As you do this, visualize your commingled spirits becoming a part of the great mother from whom you came.
249. Matthews, Caitlin. The Elements of the Celtic Tradition (Longmeade, Shaftsbury, Dorset: Element Books, 1989), 104.
250. Rodgers, Michael and Marcus Losack. Glendalough: A Celtic Pilgrimage (Blackrock, Co. Dublin: The Columba Press, 1996), 97.
251. Actual “traditions” ( as opposed to eclectic groups) that are egalitarian in nature are also called “priestly traditions” because they encourage everyone to seek out the priest or priestess within. In a priestly coven everyone can be, and sometimes is, a leader and a priest or priestess.