Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) - Mindy Kaling (2011)
The Best Distraction in the World: Romance and Guys
FIRST, A disclaimer: I know many racist people say: “But some of my best friends are black!” before they go off on a long, racist rant. This does not count as an excuse for racism anymore. I get it. However, I think I have a different circumstance. All of my best friends are Jewish. Doesn’t that let me say whatever I want? I sure hope so, because I have a lot to say.
DON’T BE SUCH HYPOCHONDRIACS
What? I have a cold. Don’t get a look of terror on your face. The worst that could happen is that you’ll get a cold, too. You don’t have to theatrically Purell a thousand times a day and look all panicky every time I come into the room.
Also, in the unlikely event that you do get sick, you do not have to give everyone a play-by-play, as though none of us has ever been sick before, or as though there were some suspense in the story of your cold, with twists and turns. (“I woke up this morning feeling pretty good, only to take a terrible turn for the worse after lunch!”) I know this story. You get better. It works out.
BUT WHAT IF IT’S MORE THAN A COLD?
It’s not. It’s just a cold.
HIRING SOMEONE TO HANG UP A PICTURE ON YOUR WALL
Is it as bad as hiring a guy to have sex with your wife? No, it’s not as bad as that. But you get my point. I’m sorry I said that. Fine, hire a guy to hang up a picture on your wall. Fine, fine, fine. I don’t know how to get it exactly straight, either.
THANKS FOR BEING SO INTO INDIAN FOOD
In college all the non-Jewish guys would treat Indian food as though it were an exotic anomaly to be greeted with “ooohs” and “aaahs.” I like that when we go to an Indian restaurant you don’t look over the menu pleadingly and ask if I will “just order for both of us?”
I get mad about your perceived special connection with him. Like when you give that knowing chuckle and say, “Oh, Larry,” like he’s some incorrigible friend of your dad’s from temple. We both know him from watching him on his show, which we watched together, at the same time.
Israel is interesting, but every time we talk about it, it has to be for, like, two hours. I want to talk about it, but it can’t be for two hours!
I HAVE A MOM TOO
Hey, look. I know you talk to your mom twice a day on the phone, and I talk to my mom only once a day. That doesn’t mean your mom beats my mom. Also, I know your mom is an amazing cook. I feel like you think my mom cooked us Hamburger Helper growing up.
When you talk to me about your mom and how great she is, I listen respectfully and say, “Wow, she really does sound great.” But when I talk about my mom, you kind of glaze over, like I’m some delusional kid talking about how I’m going to be president someday. You can’t muster up even the slightest bit of acknowledgment that anybody else’s mom could come close to being as funny, artsy, nurturing, and irreverent as your mom.
EXCEPT EZEKIEL, RAHM, AND ARI EMANUEL’S MOM
We both agree. She’s incredible. She can do whatever she wants.
I know a small part of you thinks you could’ve ended up with Natalie Portman if you had played things a little differently. That’s nice. You can have that. That’s not hurting anybody.