Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) - Mindy Kaling (2011)
Hollywood: My Good Friend Who Is Also a Little Embarrassing
Franchises I Would Like to Reboot
BY NOW YOU’VE seen what a savvy Hollywood person I am and wonder when I will be making my big jump from television to film. Here’s where I explain everything and tell about some of my most exciting film projects in the pipeline.
Nobody likes it when Hollywood reboots beloved franchises. When I was hired to write for the NBC remake of the classic BBC show The Office, everyone had the immediate physical reaction of being around someone who had just farted.
The thing is at least we were trying to remake something that was excellent. What I have never understood is the rebooting of already terrible things. For example, take The Dukes of Hazzard. This was a show whose two greatest claims to fame were (a) a car that consistently jumped over large objects at critical moments, and (b) introducing Americans to the Daisy Duke short-shorts, which single-handedly lowered the average age of sexual intercourse in this country by several years. I loved the show as a four-year-old, but even then I kind of knew The Dukes of Hazzard was for kids. I thought, This is good for me, or a five-year-old, tops. So, when it got remade as a movie, I didn’t quite understand.
But then I heard how much money it made and I thought, I need to get in on this, pronto. Here are some franchises I would like to reboot, for the love of the franchise and a little bit for the love of the money I think they would make.
A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN
Unfortunately, a bit of an uphill battle here. As fun and frothy as this movie was, it was based on an actual historical event. The All-American Girls Professional Baseball League was a real thing. Also, I would reboot this movie only if I can play the Rosie O’Donnell part, and I’m pretty sure there weren’t many Indian women in the United States in the 1940s.
I feel like if they’re going to remake this every two or three years anyway, I want to get a shot at one.
Let’s be real here. The first Ocean’s film—not the 1960’s Ocean’s 11; how old do you think I am?—was great, but there were already four too many guys in it. Don Cheadle had, like, three lines in the entire movie. The films that came after Ocean’s Eleven, where they kept adding people, were hard to follow. There were so many characters doing different Vegas-related missions. It made you feel like someone behind the scenes was out of control, like, oh my God, if we don’t stop this person, all of the Screen Actors Guild is going to be in Danny Ocean’s gang. That’s why we need to do a prequel and cut out the ragtaggiest of the ragtag bunch. We do that Benjamin Button backward-aging special effect magic on Clooney, and bam! We’ve got a summer blockbuster.
Why was this movie so bad? It had all the ingredients of a great movie. The subject material (handsome European professor annihilates vampires) is the stuff dreams are made of. Hugh was in prime Jackman when he played smoldering Van Helsing. The lovely Kate Beckinsale was there, too, as pale beautiful lady friend or whatever. Why wasn’t this a killer movie and a classic? I could so redo this, with the same cast, and make it a better movie. I’m throwing down the gauntlet, Van Helsing.
And speaking of movies about regular people destroying magical creatures:
I always wanted the reboot of Ghostbusters to be four girl-ghostbusters. Like, four normal, plucky women living in New York City searching for Mr. Right and trying to find jobs—but who also bust ghosts. I’m not an idiot, though. I know the demographic for Ghostbusters is teenage boys, and I know they would kill themselves if two ghostbusters had a makeover at Sephora. I just have always wanted to see a cool girl having her first kiss with a guy she’s had a crush on, and then have to excuse herself to go trap the pissed-off ghosts of the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire or something. In my imagination, I am, of course, one of the ghostbusters, with the likes of say, Emily Blunt, Taraji Henson, and Natalie Portman. Even if I’m not the ringleader, I’m definitely the one who gets to say “I ain’t afraid a no ghost.” At least the first time.