Summary of Carry On, Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life - Book Summary (2016)

Part VI. Bonus Material

Chapter 48. Road Warrior

As it turns out, while God was knitting my life, God was also knitting together a swirly, wild, beautiful community of women through my writing.

I became a writer in order to make connections with people without leaving my home. My dream was to write something that would resonate with others, but I didn’t want to have to get dressed. This is why so many introverts become writers, because we feel safer socializing in our pajamas without actual people around. But as it came time for Carry On, Warrior to make its way out in the world, it became clear that I would need to go on a book tour. On this book tour I would meet in real life the women I’d been meeting virtually at my blog, Momastery. I was terrified, but I promised myself it would all be okay if I followed three simple rules: Show Up, Be Brave, and Be Kind. No matter what the circumstances, those three things are all any of us have to do. So I named the tour The Kind and Brave Tour, and we packed. I say “we” because I brought Sister along, obviously. It’s easier to Show Up with your Lobster beside you.

The first book signing was in my hometown and to my shock, over four hundred people decided to Show Up, too. There were lines wrapped around the block of the bookstore, great music playing, a thousand hugs offered and received, and more friendships made than I could count. Bubba and Tisha were there, greeting every guest personally. Bubba appeared to be exploding with pride. He watched the women of his life—me at the signing table, Sister passing out homemade cookies, Tisha beaming at the people in line waiting to meet her daughter—and I swear you could hear him thinking: WOW. And we were worried she’d end up in prison. I was so happy for his happiness.

At first, the kind bookstore employees tried to scoot the line along, but they quickly gave up. We needed time with each other, and we took it. I got to hug every single person in line and ask about her life. Through tears and laughter, people told me their “brutiful” stories about loss and redemption and love. They said beautiful things about how much the community of truth tellers and hope spreaders and at Momastery meant to them. They told me that in the Monkees, they’d finally found their people. I listened closely and tried to soak every moment and every word in deep. I knew that folks were good before my book tour, but I’d never had a chance to look all that good in the eye before. That’s the thing about showing up, I guess. You get to look all the good in the eye and cry with the good and hug the good. And that changes you.

My favorite moment of that first evening came at about 1 a.m., when the line was finally winding down. A woman who explained that she was the grandmother of twelve looked me in the eye and solemnly said, “Glennon, I disagree with a lot of what you write. But I came here to say thank you, because you’ve taught me that I can love someone I disagree with. And that has been very freeing to me. I love you, Glennon.” I was able to choke out a shaky, “And I love you, sister.” Then we hugged and cried because we both knew it just doesn’t get any better or truer than that. We will never, ever all agree, but we can choose to love each other anyway. And that is what we celebrated at the Carry On, Warrior book signings.

I assumed that the size and passion of this first signing was just a holy fluke. I was wrong. Hundreds of women came out to meet me and each other in every city on the tour. Women came in big groups, and they came with their sisters, and they came all alone. I felt so proud of the ones who were brave enough to come alone, because I know how scary that is. Women came who’d followed my blog from the very beginning, and women came who had just heard of the book that day. After five hours of waiting in line, one woman approached my table, leaned over to me and said, “Listen, I don’t even know who you are. I just needed to get the hell out of my house.” I laughed and thought YES! PERFECT! The Kind and Brave Tour—Getting Tired Women the Hell Out of Their Homes One Warrior at a Time.

The book tour was a nationwide family reunion. The women in each city were different, but the warm feeling of each crowd was exactly the same. The details of the stories the women told me were different, but the themes were exactly the same. Getting out of my house and meeting our community taught me that all of us are struggling to overcome something big and hard and scary. All of us have experienced great loss and great joy. All of us want to feel peace and joy and to have a sense that we belong somewhere. And that’s why we showed up. Because we feel like we belong in and to this community of women.

These are our people. People who believe that Love Wins, We Belong to Each Other, and that together, We Can Do Hard Things. People who have decided to quit making marriage and parenting and friendship and life harder by pretending they aren’t hard. People who just show up, as they are—messy and ­beautiful—for themselves and for each other. We love each ­other—not because we are all the same, but because we are all so different. We don’t want to change each other—we just want to take a deep breath, stop acting, and enjoy each other. The real each other.

At that first signing, I realized I had found a slice of ­heaven. And every signing after that first one was just another slice. Heaven can be everywhere and anywhere.

And now that I’m off the road and I’ve reentered my own little life, I feel cozier and safer and braver on this earth. Each time I face a challenge in my daily life, I think about all of those women facing similar challenges all over the country and one moment at a time—overcoming, overcoming, overcoming. I know, now, that I am part of a sisterhood that stretches from one coast to the other, and that we are all the same in the most important ways. There is great peace in knowing that I am not alone.

You are not alone, either. Come join our messy, beautiful ­family at Momastery. Everybody’s In, Baby.

A Scribner Reading Group Guide

Carry On, Warrior

This reading group guide for Carry On, Warrior includes an introduction, discussion questions, ideas for enhancing your book club, and an author Q&A. The suggested questions are intended to help your reading group find new and interesting angles and topics for your discussion. We hope that these ideas will enrich your conversation and increase your enjoyment of the book and each other.

Introduction

Ten years ago, addicted and unwed, Glennon Doyle Melton discovered she was pregnant. Shocked and terrified, she did the only thing she knew to do: she collapsed on the bathroom floor and prayed. When she stood up, she decided to become a mother. She married the father of her child, a man with whom she had spent only ten sober nights, and vowed never to have another drink, cigarette, or drug again. In the decade since, Glennon has learned what it takes to be a loving mother, wife, sister, and friend. She wakes up every morning ready to do battle. Recovery is a battle; faith is a battle; living an ­honest life—one full of love, one where the truth of what’s inside is mirrored by the experience on the outside—is a battle. And like any good warrior, Glennon has realized that fighting these battles comes with incredible rewards. Carry On, Warrior is Glennon’s call to live out loud—to be as honest and open as she can be, no matter what obstacles she faces. Obstacles abound—as they always do, for everyone. From marriage struggles, to a thwarted dream to adopt a child, to helping her sister through heartbreak, to keeping the rug looking as if it was vacuumed. But Glennon’s journey has shown her that life lived honestly, openly, and in connection with others is one that is rich and full.

Topics & Questions for Discussion

1. In the opening of Carry On, Warrior Glennon is baffled: a woman says to her at church, “You are so pulled together. It makes me feel so apart” (page 1). Why did she decide to begin the book with this scene? How does she eventually reveal herself as not quite “pulled together”?

2. Compare Glennon’s present-day life to her low point on Mother’s Day in 2002. What did it take for Glennon to hit bottom? How did she decide so suddenly to turn her life around? Can you recall any instance in which a breakdown has become a breakthrough for you?

3. According to Glennon, “Life is brutiful ”—equal parts beautiful and brutal (page 7). How can something be both beautiful and brutal at the same time? Make a list of a few things that you consider “brutiful.”

4. After describing all the unsuccessful attempts to fill the hole in her life, Glennon writes, “If there’s a silver lining to the hole, here it is: the unfillable, God-sized hole is what brings people together” (page 21). Do you agree with Glennon that our weaknesses and our emptiness help us relate to other people? Share an example of a time when you have allowed a weakness to connect you to another person.

5. Taking a cue from the writer Anne Lamott, Glennon reveals the three prayers she repeats most often. They are “Please!” “Thank you!” and “WTF???” (page 29). What are the greatest sources of “WTF? ” in Glennon’s life? What are your most common prayers? What makes you wonder “WTF? ”

6. Discuss the similarities and differences between Glennon and Sister. How have these two sisters taken different paths in life? How are their personalities similar, and how are they different? How do you think they’ve stayed so close over the years?

7. As evidenced by Glennon’s enlisting of Tish to help her “vacuum,” she obviously favors a “child-centered” approach to housework. What other hilarious ways could you “include” your kids in daily chores?

8. Consider Glennon’s explanation of Chronos, “regular time,” and Kairos time, “those magical moments in which time stands still” (page 114). What are some of your favorite moments of Kairos, when time is suspended? What can you do to “Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day,” as Glennon suggests (page 115)?

9. Revisit Glennon’s “mommy resignation,” when she officially gives up listening to her children’s pointless stories, refereeing their fights, and smiling through their spills (page 165). If you had to resign from your everyday duties, what would you be happiest to quit? Do you think you would miss any of those daily annoyances if you “resigned”?

10. Glennon believes, “Confidence and humility are two sides of the same coin” (page 174). How does Glennon find confidence in knowing she is a child of God, and how does knowing everyone is a child of God make her feel humble? Which is harder for you to remember—confidence or humility? What is one good way to remind yourself to feel confident and humble every day?

11. After one of her blog readers made a comment about Glennon’s abortion, Glennon realized, “I walk onto this field every day without armor or weapons, by choice, and so the risk is that every once in a while, someone will shoot” (page 194). What kind of “rules” would make your community (family, group of friends, church, etc.) safer places to tell the truth? What could you do to foster a community of shameless truth tellers?

12. “We are each an island, but [God] gives us gifts to use as bridges into each other’s lives. When we lay down our gift, we walk right over it and straight into another heart” (page 211). Think about the “gift” that your best friend, your spouse, or another loved one has offered you. How does that gift give you access to that person’s heart? What gifts do you think you offer in return?

13. Revisit the painful story of Glennon and Craig’s efforts to adopt a child. How do they face the challenges together, and how do they recover from their disappointment? Can you recall a time in your life when you had to accept that your destiny was different than your dream?

14. Glennon lists the “widening circles” that protect her: her husband, children, community, and faith (page 7). Try to picture the circles of protection in your life. Who are the loved ones in your widening circles?

Enhance Your Book Club

1. Check for updates on Glennon’s phenomenal website, momastery.com, visit monkeeseemonkeedo.org/, and read her hilarious and poignant musings by following her on Facebook (facebook.com/momastery) and Twitter (twitter.com/momastery). Stay connected with Carry On, Warrior, Glennon, and her nonprofit by clicking momastery.com/subscribe. Best yet, consider bringing Glennon to speak in your town ­(momastery.com/speaking).

2. This book club meeting will have no “hostress”: welcome to stress-free hosting! Make this meeting a ­potluck, and ask everyone to bring something to eat or drink. Pajamas and bring-your-own-glass are optional, but encouraged!

3. According to Glennon, “Dancing sober is just honest, passionate living” (page 25). Get your book club warmed up with a session of sober dancing! Play your favorite pop song or visit Glennon’s website to download her Momastery Mix at momastery.com/favorites.

4. Anne Lamott, Maya Angelou, Geneen Roth, Joan Didion, Emily Dickinson, Elie Wiesel, Ken Follett, Kathleen Norris, Sylvia Plath—these are just a few of the writers Glennon mentions in Carry On, Warrior. To see a list of some of her favorite books and movies, visit Glennon’s website at momastery.com/favorites.

5. When she gets fed up, Glennon puts on one of her “paper bag hats,” where she can “breathe and hide” (page 179). Make paper bag hats—with smiley faces and breathing holes, of course—with your book club members. All you need are some leftover shopping bags, a marker, and a sense of humor!

6. Take a look at Monkee See — Monkee Do (MSMD), the 501(c)(3) nonprofit charitable organization that emerged from Glennon’s website. The mission of the group is to acknowledge needs in communities and do something about them. MSMD’s work is an expression of Mother Teresa’s philosophy that we can do no great things, only small things with great love. If MSMD inspires your book club to make a difference, tell Glennon about it at contact@momastery.com. Read the stories of the families MSMD has helped, and see how you can get involved by visiting monkeeseemonkeedo.org and momastery.com/subscribe.

See more at momastery.com/bookclub.

Author Q&A

Author Glennon Doyle Melton sat down with some fans at Scribner’s offices in New York to discuss Carry On, Warrior, Momastery, her nonprofit and speaking work, and the rest of her messy, beautiful life. Here is an excerpt of that conversation. For more about the author, Carry On, Warrior, and the Momastery community, please visit momastery.com/carry-on-warrior or email ­contact@momastery.com.

Hi, Glennon, thank you for being here today. Can we start by having you tell us what Carry On, Warrior is about?

Glennon Doyle Melton: Carry On, Warrior is my story, but I hope it’s partly everyone’s story. It’s about getting lost and found and lost again. It’s about the secret parts of ourselves that we often don’t share. It’s about love and loss and mistakes and healing and family.

Why “warrior”? What does being a “warrior” mean to you?

Glennon Doyle Melton: We either spend our lives fighting each other or fighting our own egos. Either way—life is a battle. A few years ago I decided to quit fighting others and start wrestling with my own fear, ego, and anger. This is a harder battle—a daily ­exorcism, really. Beating down my ego and letting love and peace emerge leave me exhausted some days. But choosing the inner battle instead of the outer has made all the difference. It’s harder, but simpler: now, at least, I know my opponent.

What do you love most about reading?

Glennon Doyle Melton: With the exception of my family and friends, reading is the great love of my life. It’s also the only legal escape and vice I have left, since the police and sobriety took away all my other life-­coping mechanisms. I read to fall asleep and to wake up. I read to run away and to show up. Most important, reading is one way that I get to know people. The better we get to know people, the more deeply we understand what it’s like to walk in another’s shoes, the more compassionate we become. Compassion leads to wisdom. I read because I want to be compassionate and wise.

Why do you write?

Glennon Doyle Melton: My life is a wild adventure that I travel mostly in my mind. I have a bit of a short-term memory issue so if I didn’t write, most of my journey would go unremembered. That would feel like a great waste to me, and so I write to gather memory keepers. I also write to gather fellow travelers. Writing feels like a big game of Marco Polo to me. I call out my truth through my writing and there is an echo. The echo is from folks who hear something familiar in my writing—they say ME TOO! and with that, we become part of the same tribe. I also write to stay healthy and sober. Diabetics check their sugar levels daily—we addicts have to check our truth-telling levels. Truth telling is a matter of life and death for me. Each morning I pull everything I have in my darkish insides out into the light of day and onto paper. I do this as a daily reminder that even in the depths of me there is nothing to be ashamed of. That remembering helps me stay sober and out of hiding for another day.

Each of us is a beautiful mess. We can pretend to be perfect alone or admit we’re messy together. Messy together is better. I think in order to do life together we have to live out loud.

What does “living out loud” mean to you?

Glennon Doyle Melton: Living out loud means knowing who you are and sharing yourself in ways that make you more comfortable on this earth. It means refusing to allow fear or shame to keep you in hiding. Folks who are able to live out loud do it because they’ve learned that we’re all pretty much the same. My feelings and desires, the mistakes I’ve made—they’re likely shared by millions. Living out loud does not mean sharing ­everything. Living out loud is not synonymous with “telling it like it is.” Nobody tells it like it is, we each tell it how we see it, with all our prejudices and little insanities—so to live out loud kindly, we have to be humble about our blind spots. We also have to be careful not to live anybody else’s life out loud, because that’s not true and it’s not fair. Each person’s story is their own to tell. Living out loud authentically takes a great amount of kindness and respect for the unique experiences and boundaries of others. When we live out loud, we must be brave and kind.

Where did that belief come from? How did you come to see the importance of “living out loud”?

Glennon Doyle Melton: I believe that the truth sets us free. I think how that works is this: We think we are bad. We think our feelings and urges and secrets are shameful, and so we hide who we really are. That hiding leaves us isolated and disconnected from others, and often causes us to feel afraid and sick. When we share our real selves, others are inevitably emboldened to come forward, out of hiding, toward us and say those magic words, “me too.” When we hear “me too,” we realize that our feelings and urges and secrets aren’t shameful at all, they’re just human. And so we stop being so afraid of who we are. That realization empowers us to step out of hiding and take bigger steps toward others. We are connected and we become brave and healthy. I live out loud because I want to be connected, brave, and healthy.

Why do you think it’s so hard for people to say what’s on their minds and tell the truth?

Glennon Doyle Melton: Because we all think that our feelings and fears and ecstasies are unique to us and that if we admit them out loud, others will think we’re nuts. Of course, usually when we get real the opposite happens. We and the people we’re talking to relax because we realize that at our core, we’re all the same. Our details—looks, jobs, families, pasts, personalities—are different. But our essentials—our deepest fears and joys—are the same. For that reason, we have to share the essentials somewhere, sometime, with someone, because we have to learn that we’re not alone. Everybody needs to hear someone else say “me too.” Those are life-changing, shackle-busting words.

You’re committed to building community. What does ­“Sisterhood” mean to you?

Glennon Doyle Melton: Sisterhood is the phenomenon that occurs when women quit seeing each other as mirrors, or reflections of themselves, and start seeing each other as one-of-a-kind works of art. Sisterhood happens when women view each other as deep wells of support and inspiration—as teammates—­instead of competitors. Sisterhood happens between women who are secure enough to stop being afraid of each other; who do not feel that another woman’s different life choices are a judgment of her own choices. Sisterhood happens when we become curious instead of defensive about our differences. Sisterhood does not require the same beliefs or thoughts or political parties or churches. Peace is not about becoming the same; it’s about becoming okay with being different. There is so much untapped power in Sisterhood.

In addition to Carry On, Warrior, during the past year you’ve written for renowned magazines and your blog, Momastery. Now you have also been a TV guest and have become a highly sought-after speaker. What are the challenges and rewards of each different type of media?

Glennon Doyle Melton: I love writing at Momastery, because it’s an ongoing, incredibly interesting conversation. Since my readers are kind, brave, thoughtful, and thought-provoking, I read every single comment they write. Because of this conversational rhythm, I learn and grow with them every single day. I have walked much of my faith and family and healing journey alongside my readers at ­Momastery. We are a living, breathing ­community—and I’m grateful for their wisdom and love and support daily.

I find it harder and scarier to write for books and magazines. Since I’m learning and growing every day, I rarely think or feel the same way about anything for long. So it feels odd to write something knowing it won’t be published for months. But the fact that my story is being held and dog-eared and shared among sisters and friends is stunning to me. It feels intimate.

I still find speaking to be absolutely terrifying, which is exhilarating. Scared and sacred are sisters. I spend so much of my life inside my head and behind my computer that it’s awful and wonderful to get out and meet people face-to-face. It makes it all real to me, and I love it. For some reason I am at my best one-on-one or in front of hundreds of people—but nothing in between please. For God’s sake—no ­cocktail parties.

During this past year, I’ve spoken to corporate executives at Microsoft and to women at leadership conventions and to mental health professionals and to church communities and moms’ groups. I have somehow felt completely at home with all of them. This experience verifies my hunch that we’re all pretty much the same. It’s comforting and reaffirms my desire to help remove boundaries between folks.

Also, when I travel and speak, someone else is responsible for meals, and occasionally I get to order room service. This is a new thing for me. The first time I ordered a sandwich on the road, I was so horrified by the bill that I called my publisher in NYC and said, “OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY I JUST ORDERED A TURKEY SANDWICH AND IT WAS TWENTY DOLLARS SO I AM CURRENTLY MINING IT FOR GOLD CHIPS. IF I FIND ANY I WILL MAIL THEM TO YOU.” They asked me to eat my sandwich and stop calling them altogether. It’s a new world when I’m on the road. Then I get back home and everybody’s mad because nobody could find their socks for three days.

So please save me from sock duty and let me come meet you. Go to momastery.com/speaking.

Can you share with us three things that scare you?

Glennon Doyle Melton:

1. Parties. I never know what to do with myself when I’m at a party. All I can ever think is, “How much longer will it be until I can get back into my pajamas?”

2. Home Invasions. Every night I’m positive my home is about to be invaded by masked hooligans. This isn’t likely, but my fears don’t concern themselves with reason. I used to study the movie Home Alone and make traps for would-be invaders, like towers of wineglasses in front of doors and glass Christmas ornaments strewn across the hallways. One can never be too careful. Actually, one probably can be too careful.

3. Screaming inappropriate words into the microphone whenever I’m speaking publicly. This urge is similar to the one that makes me wonder if I’ll jump every time I’m standing next to a ledge. Perhaps this is about self-­sabotage? I don’t know the root of it, but every time I’m speaking, especially in a church, I just know I’m going to start screaming curse words and anatomical terms at the audience.

You have written about your Lyme disease. How are you feeling these days? How has having Lyme changed you?

Glennon Doyle Melton: Chronic Lyme disease is a devastating, under-researched and misunderstood disease that shatters lives and families. I agree with Dr. Kenneth Liegner, “In the fullness of time, the mainstream handling of chronic Lyme disease will be viewed as one of the most shameful episodes in the history of medicine.”

As with every challenge in my life, blessings have come of my disease. We women sometimes wear taking care of everybody but ourselves as a badge of honor. We discuss how little sleep we get and how overly busy we are and how little time we have for ourselves, as though these things prove that we’re worthy of the space we take up on the earth. But we women with chronic diseases tend to stop taking pride in running ourselves ragged. We simply cannot do it all, which I actually think is true even for women who don’t have diseases, but for us sickies it’s acceptable to admit.

Lyme has taught me to take care of myself. Every single day I concern myself with what I’m eating, how much I’m resting, and what life-giving practices I’m engaging in, like yoga or quiet time or exercise or fresh air or a nap. Now that I’ve been given permission to take care of my needs before caring for another’s, I’m more peaceful and happy than I was before I was diagnosed. The world needs fewer martyrs and more happy women.

If I were suddenly cured of Lyme, I don’t think I’d tell anybody. I like having Lyme in my back pocket as an excuse to be good to myself. My wish for women is that they would take care of themselves before life presents them such a dramatic reminder.

How do you handle the cruelty that can exist in the anonymity of the Internet?

Glennon Doyle Melton: When I started writing online, I promised myself that I would first do no harm—that I wouldn’t add to the vitriol, meanness, and ­divisiveness that can sometimes be found on the Internet. To this end, I vowed not to engage with Internet bullies. I would be as brave as I could be in my truth telling and as kind as I could be in hearing other people’s truth. I would be open-minded to differences—but disengaged from the meanness. After more than five years of blogging, this has been a tough promise to keep, but I have. I have never ­occupied myself with a bully at Momastery and I really do believe that this is one of the reasons that our blog has been successful. We all have limited energy, and I don’t think we’re even aware of how much of it we spend justifying and defending ourselves. I don’t do that. I just do my best each day and then leave it and move on to the next right thing. I don’t waste time having imaginary arguments with imaginary people. That daily decision preserves all of my energy for love and creativity.

The Internet has become a real world where people meet and learn and love and live. And so we can’t use it as a place to let our insecurity, anger, and fear demons run wild. At Momastery one of our mantras is: If you’re not kind on the Internet, you’re not kind.

MSMD—the 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization that you founded from the Momastery ­community—has been featured by national media for transforming lives, families, and communities through ­revolutionary ­giving projects like Love Flash Mobs and Holiday Hands, in addition to your regular daily giving. What is the secret of MSMD’s success?

Glennon Doyle Melton: Monkee See — Monkee Do is the most beautiful and important thing that’s come out of Momastery. When women are filled up, we naturally overflow into our families and communities. Since we fill each other up so consistently at Momastery, it was inevitable that there would be an outpouring. MSMD is a nonprofit that seeks to support families in need through small acts of great love. Some families need to receive and some need to give, but all of us need to feel loved and empowered and connected. Mother Teresa said that the most terrible poverty in the world is loneliness—and both giving and receiving help alleviate that particular type of poverty by reminding us that we are not alone. We don’t care if you’re a giver or a receiver—we are all on equal footing at MSMD. We thank the givers for their kindness and the receivers for the courage it takes to say “I need some help today,” because that reminds us that when we are in a needing season, we’ll have a group of sisters to carry us. The endless cycle of giving and receiving at MSMD makes us feel safer to live bigger and bolder on this earth.

How do you balance work and home life?

Glennon Doyle Melton: When folks ask me how I find “balance” what they are really saying is, “I feel so much tension in my life. How do I get rid of it all and find peace?” I always say that I think we have the wrong idea about what balance is.

Balance is not the absence of tension—it’s achieved through tension. My yoga teacher taught me that ­balance happens when opposing forces press equally against an object. I have that kind of balance. I have marriage pressing in and kids pressing in and work pressing in, and church pressing in and friends pressing in and I think all of these powerful, worthy forces work together to keep me solid, upright, and balanced. When it feels like one is pushing too hard and I get wobbly, I just focus on strengthening the others up a bit. And I just make sure that everything causing tension is worthy of pressing on me.

I think that we women must make peace with the fact that since we care so much and serve so much and assume so many roles and great loves, we will always feel tension pressing in. But maybe we can think of that tension as holding us up instead of tearing us down. It would be a great tragedy to have nothing important pressing in at all.