The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo - Amy Schumer (2016)

EXCERPT FROM MY JOURNAL IN 1994 (AGE THIRTEEN) WITH FOOTNOTES FROM 2016


I’ve decided to get a journal because some things you just can’t say out loud.1 I’m 13 years old, and I have several problems. My brother Jason is a senior in high school. He’s my half brother, meaning we have the same mother, but his dad died when he was 11. When Jason was two years old our mom married my dad. My dad didn’t like my brother, and as a matter of fact, he wished Jason wasn’t a part of our family.2 I never noticed, but my Dad actually never went on our “family trips.”3 My mom just recently pointed all of this out to me. She said she tried to keep everyone happy by having my dad go in one car and me and my brother and sister go in the other car with her.4

Jason’s dad was a very big part of his life. My mom informed me that when he died, my dad made no effort to become Jason’s stepfather.5 They seemed to be acquaintances. This left my mom a single parent, basically, with no help from my father. I’m so glad she pointed this out to me, because I never knew. She allowed Jason to withdraw from our family,6 which is no longer a family.

My sister Kim is nine years old and in fourth grade. She is very mature for her age. I think she’s so mature because I don’t permit her to act her age. In her grade there are a few girls who are total &*&*.7 They treat her like dirt. It doesn’t help that Kim is extremely sensitive. These girls do horrible things to her, like one day they were all sitting at the lunch table, and when Kim sat down, they all got up and left. When my mom told me about it, tears started streaming down my cheeks before she even finished her sentence. My heart broke for Kim. So I hopped on my bike and road straight to those #$#$’s8 houses and yelled at them. And told them to leave my sister alone OR ELSE! 9

Kim sometimes acts really phony.10 She’ll act so innocent and fragile,11 and I’ll get really mad at her and treat her like crap. My mom tells her to just express herself when someone at school hurts her feelings. I say, “No way. You have to be tough and don’t show them they hurt you.”12

About 8 weeks ago I found out that my parents were getting a divorce.13 My dad travels a lot, so I wasn’t majorly depressed. My sister was, though. After the first five years that my parents were married my mom realized she wasn’t in love and never had been.14 But she stayed with my dad another five years because of me and Jay and Kim, and also because my dad developed a condition with -osis at the end of the word.15 Anyone who knows my mom will tell you she’s the nicest person you’ll ever meet.16 But they’re getting a divorce.

I’m going to see a psychologist this Thursday. I don’t want to, but I know it’s necessary.17

I have another problem: my friends. Lauren, Becky, and Kate. I guess you can say we’re the athletic, smart, pretty girls of our grade.18 Becky is sort of slow; she has a moon shaped face with light freckles and pin straight, shoulder length, dirty blonde hair. She’s as tall as me but a little slimmer. She thinks she’s totally gorgeous and wishes she was Lauren. She’s also a snob.19 Then there’s Jen; she’s excellent at soccer and totally dedicated, but she’s also a ditz and always the last to know what we’re talking about. She’s 5 foot 3ish and has mousy brown hair and looks very Irish. Everyone does, I guess.20

I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned my other best friend, Mark. His hair is chin length and he’s always showered and clean. He’s a really good soccer player, and he’s an excellent drummer. I met him in 5th grade. He started a band this summer, and I was interested in being the lead singer. When it was just me and Mark in the band I was fine, but when it became a real thing I backed away. I strive to be more like Mark.21 I think I care too much about how people feel about me. Mark isn’t like that at all. If I wasn’t friends with him, I wouldn’t be half as happy. Now that I think about it, he may be my only real friend.22

Now about boys.23 There are several boys I like, but the two I’m concentrated on are Kevin Williams and Joshua Walsch. Kevin is shy, funny, and cool. He has shaggy brown hair and is over six feet tall. He has gorgeous blue cat eyes and a mouth like the joker. I told him that once in biology and he smirked and said he knew. Joshua is a year younger than me, but he’s so sweet and adorable. He has black hair and a smaller frame than me, but he’s strong and has porcelain skin covered in freckles. He looks like he just hopped off the boat from Ireland.24

Both boys have little speech impediments, I’ve noticed. Joshua has a speech impediment that makes him sound like the Kennedys. The real ones!25 And Kevin has a gap in his front teeth and a lisp. Uhhh soo cute.26

I’ve gotten to first base, which is French Kissing, but I think I’m ready for 2nd.27


1. I obviously don’t subscribe to this advice anymore, as someone who onstage has gone into great detail about an encounter with an unexpected uncircumcised penis.

2. Yikes, was that true? There is a lot of heavy brainwashing from good ol’ mom in this entry. I don’t think my dad particularly cared for my brother, but it wasn’t personal. He just only liked children that at one point were shot out from his own penis.

3. I don’t know why “family trips” is in quotes. They were just family trips; this sounds like my mom was using us to mule drugs. We would go to Florida or Lake George or our farmhouse. I never once held a balloon filled with heroin.

4. You know that old saying . . . the family that drives separately, crumbles and shatters soon after.

5. This was true, but maybe pointing this out to a tween isn’t the best move from a parent.

6. As I previously mentioned, Jason talked his way out of his senior year of high school and got to leave home and roam the country.

7. If I wrote this now I would use the word “cunts.”

8. CUNTS!

9. We recently Googled the girl who was the meanest to my sister. We found her on Facebook. She’s now a Pilates instructor, of course, and if I had her current address, I’d ride my bike to her house again and tell her she’s still a worthless mean girl in my mind.

10. Wow, I was just saying how great she was.

11. Innocent and fragile? Dude, she was nine . . . What did I expect her to act like? Slutty and hardened?

12. I stand by this. Never let those cunts see you sweat, which is good advice and a good name for an eighties hip-hop album.

13. Whaaaaat? But Mom kept us all happy by having us drive in separate cars!

14. Again, damn, Mom, lot to lay on a kid who’s still in middle school, but okay.

15. It was multiple sclerosis. You couldn’t look stuff up on your phone back then, so I just left it at -osis . . . makes sense.

16. “Brainnnnnwasssshhhhh, at the brainwash yeah” (singing this to the tune of “Car Wash” . . . ).

17. I still say this exact same thing every single week.

18. Guess I wasn’t afraid of feelin’ myself.

19. Never too young to talk shit about your friends.

20. Jen is a nurse with three kids now, and we’re still close.

21. I was in love with him.

22. Mark is now the drummer in the band Taking Back Sunday.

23. Sorry, Mark!

24. I was real obsessed with the Irish. Pretty sure I’d either just done a book report on them or watched Far and Away at a slumber party.

25. As opposed to those hack, bullshit, fake Kennedys?

26. I have always been turned on by a good impediment, like a baby arm or a stutter.

27. I wasn’t.