The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo - Amy Schumer (2016)
RIDER FOR THE FUNERAL OF AMY SCHUMER
First and foremost, no one should call this a “celebration of life” or a “memorial.” It may only be referred to as THE FUNERAL OF AMY SCHUMER. No bells or whistles.
There is a zero-tolerance policy on flowers. No wreaths, bouquets, corsages, single carnations, greenery, or flora of any kind is allowed. Everyone should bring some sort of a pasta dish and pour it into the casket. Not a pasta salad. Don’t be an asshole.
The actual body of AMY SCHUMER should be propped up on a chair in the northwest corner of the room, wearing aviator sunglasses and her trusted snow hat that reads, “No Coffee, No Workee,” a motto in life that she will continue to stand by in the afterlife.
All guests should be comfortably dressed. Think sweatpants, velour, and comfy socks. Absolutely no high-heeled shoes are permitted. No guest shall be permitted entry if they are wearing a waist trainer, unless they are AMBER ROSE. She can wear whatever the F she wants.
Please provide at least two (2) sandwiches per guest. Sandwiches must be from Defonte’s in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, and should be either the prosciutto or the mozzarella.
The signature cocktail of the night should be a Moscow mule.
Amazing appetizers should be abundant. For example, those puff things where you’re not sure if you are eating bread, cheese, cream, or all of the above. Do not be sparing with things that you dip in crème fraîche or anything truffle-based. Absolutely no French macarons are permitted, but the Jew kind are okay. None of these foodstuffs should require the use of utensils. Pigs in a blanket as far as the human eye can see. I repeat, pigs in a blanket as far as the human and pig eye can see.
✵ Twenty-two (22) cases of Rombauer chardonnay. Oaky as shit!!!!
✵ Fifteen (15) cases of Opus One cabernet, the kind John Cena introduced to the deceased.
There shall be no bathroom attendants permitted in the bathrooms. Please make two (2) fun side rooms available, with one (1) room providing trivia and the other providing hair-braiding stations. HARPISTS should play background music, but only in the bathrooms, which should be small—such that the presence of the HARPISTS prevents everyone from washing their hands.
The following people should speak at the funeral:
✵ Keith Robinson
✵ Rachel Feinstein (because she will trash Keith)
✵ Jimmy Norton
✵ Colin Quinn (because he will trash Norton)
✵ Vincent Caramele
✵ Cayce Dumont
✵ My niece
✵ Lena Dunham
✵ Mark Normand
✵ Allan Haldeman
✵ Kevin Kane to close it out
During the ceremony, BRIDGET EVERETT will sing “That’s All.” Intro, outro, and other interstitial music to be provided by a great bluegrass band—STEVE MARTIN AND THE STEEP CANYON RANGERS if they’re up for it.
The following people (who never did anything to the deceased, but she just doesn’t want them there) are not permitted at the funeral, nor may they attend any after-party-type event:
✵ Donald Trump
✵ Mario Lopez, unless he brings Elizabeth Berkley
✵ The boyfriends and girlfriends of AMY SCHUMER’s friends are only permitted to attend if she liked them. In order to qualify for this status, they must be very kind and loving to said friends exactly all the time. If they are ever not nice to said friends, they must stay five (5) football fields away from the funeral
✵ Anyone who has ever gotten laid because they teach improv, with one exception being Neil Casey
Please post signs around the room(s) stating, “No small talk, no inside jokes.” Please provide a large glass bowl at the entrance for those who wish to participate in an optional key party.
AFTER-PARTY AND BURIAL
After the funeral, guests will participate in an Edward Forty Hands party. All guests should have forties of Olde English duct-taped to their hands and are not to be untaped until said bottles are completely empty. This party should be DJ’d by Questlove and there needs to be ample room for everyone to dance. First song should be “Put It in Your Mouth.”
Immediately following the Edward Forty Hands party, guests should proceed to the ocean in Long Beach, New York, for a Viking funeral. The body of AMY SCHUMER will be transported to the beach by horse-drawn carriage, because she was “worth it,” and will be laid to rest in a tiny boat. The boat should be set on fire with a flaming arrow and gently pushed out to sea.