The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo - Amy Schumer (2016)

WHAT I WANT PEOPLE TO SAY AT MY FUNERAL


Amy is dead, and we can all sleep a little easier. She was honest and fair, and she demanded the same from all of us. But it was exhausting. Even though she made everything more fun and exciting, it’s a relief in some ways that she’s no longer with us. We all get lazy with our lives and stuck in what we think we deserve. We all accept too easily that life has to be hard and forget to make sure we have the most fun we can. Amy made sure we laughed and didn’t take any shit. If she was your friend, she’d do anything for you. She’d defend you and die for you, even sometimes when you didn’t want her to. She went above and beyond, at times even making things harder. She once wrote a Facebook post congratulating her friend on getting a role in the new Woody Allen movie even though her friend was not going to be in that movie. She did it because her friend was in pain from a recent breakup and Amy knew her friend’s ex would read the post and be jealous. That is an inappropriate thing to do. That is one of the reasons we will be able to continue on without her.

Amy would give you the shirt off her back, even if you didn’t ask for it, and never mention it again. She was generous. She was also pushy and would talk shit to anyone in her way. She was fun to drink and smoke pot with. She was fun to eat mushrooms with. She was not fun to watch television with because the whole time she’d say, “Wait, who is that? What did he just say?” She was not a good listener. She was so easily distracted that you had to say, “Amy, I need you to really listen,” to get her attention, and even then there was only a 40 percent chance she’d hear you.

She made us feel better. She demanded that we feel better. It could be exhausting. But we will miss it. We will miss her. But she’ll always be with us. But not really, because as I mentioned up top, she’s dead. Does anyone know if they’re validating parking? Oh, it’s New York, and you guys don’t do that here. Well aren’t you so lucky. You guys are smarter for living here and not LA.