The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo - Amy Schumer (2016)

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY


1. My toddler niece laughing or doing pretty much anything. I love how she pronounces my name and yells, “Mimi!” when she sees me. Also her hair, which for a while looked like Benjamin Franklin’s.

2. Scones. And not the store-bought ones that come six to a plastic container. I’m talking Alice’s-Tea-Cup-in-NYC scones, either the vegan one (not because I’m vegan but because the texture is dope) or one with some form of chocolate (not white chocolate, real chocolate). Also, fine, the store-bought ones.

3. Seeing the people I love happy.

4. Riding a horse. We had a little farmhouse upstate when I was a kid, and I learned to ride at a local stable where I would go around in circles on the smallest horse. Since then, I’ll get on a horse any chance I get. Zero questions asked. One day a few years back, I was lying on the couch watching Game of Thrones at my sister’s house, and she came into the room and said, “Babe, do you wanna ride a horse?” She lives in a normal neighborhood in Chicago where there should never have been a horse nearby, but I silently got up and followed her outside and there was a horse across the street. His name was Norman. We are now friends.

5. Telling a new joke that I’m excited about onstage, even if it doesn’t do well. Telling a new joke never gets old.

6. Hearing my brother, Jason, play his horn. We both love Miles Davis, John Coltrane, and Thelonious Monk, but Jason plays really loose, crazy stuff called “free jazz.” It’s the kind of jazz you hear in the background when Claire Danes is very stressed out on Homeland. But I just love hearing him play it. Doesn’t have to be onstage either. Sometimes at his house, I will all of a sudden hear his horn from another room, and the beautiful sound instantly makes me feel at peace.

7. Watching British or Irish sexual-assault-based crime shows at my sister and brother-in-law’s house. The thicker the accent, the thicker the reason I need to change my underwear by the end. (Ewwwww.) I mean it. I have to watch these shows with subtitles.

8. Sitting with my friends at the Comedy Cellar and making fun of each other. Particularly Keith Robinson, who is never, ever right about anything but still commits to his arguments as if his life depends on it.

9. Coming.

10. Being on a boat or Jet Ski that is going way too fast and screaming my head off.

11. Snuggling on the couch with my sister’s three-legged dog, Abbott. We have this really cool relationship where I don’t give him treats, so I know his love for me is entirely non-food motivated.

12. Making people laugh to the point of wiping tears away.

13. Waking up next to the person I am in love with and immediately rolling away from him to hide my busted-ass morning face and baby-diaper breath. But he pulls me toward him, cuddling my butt into him, not caring at all.

14. My sister. Playing volleyball with her, watching Orphan Black and eating pasta with her. Drinking with her. Smoking pot with her. Traveling the world with her and making TV shows and movies we are proud of together. Making her laugh on camera. I will sometimes force her to be in a sketch for my TV show and one of my favorite things is making her laugh during the scene, ruining as many takes as possible. I know she panics and is worried that she’s wasting everybody’s time by laughing, but I can’t help myself.

15. I like when a small animal rides on the back of a larger animal (think Sir Didymus and Ambrosius in Labyrinth). Or a video of a lion and a seal becoming friends or something like that.

16. When someone in a motorized wheelchair passes, I like holding my hand up to cover the person’s body, so it just looks like a head whizzing by.

17. When the dog bites. When the bee stings. Sorry.

18. Laughing and yelling at my girlfriends from high school when they try to smoke pot in the bathroom of wherever I am performing, no matter how classy. They tried to smoke pot at both SNL and Carnegie Hall.

19. Hearing my sister on the phone with a delivery place after they bring the wrong food or don’t include enough sauce. She starts out very calm and rational but then spins the fuck out after thirty seconds.

20. Sitting on the couch with a girlfriend, facing each other, and having long conversations about what’s going on with the guys or girls in our lives. Yes, with wine. I didn’t think I needed to add that, but if you’re gonna make a big deal about it, yes, of course, with wine, unless scotch is needed.

21. Making a new friend. When you’re over your twenties it’s hard, but once in a while someone comes along that you really want to invest time in and it’s so special.

22. Smoked salmon.

23. Watching Dave Attell onstage. No one makes me laugh harder.

24. Sex. I know I already said coming, but sex is pretty great and should be mentioned.

25. Falling in love.