The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo - Amy Schumer (2016)

THINGS THAT MAKE ME INSANELY FURIOUS


1. People who run down mountains. Have you ever been hiking and had someone run past you downhill? I secretly root for them to tumble to their—as far as I’m concerned—timely death.

2. Girls with their hair down at the gym. Unless you’re covering horrible burn marks like that girl from The Craft, pull that shit up in a ponytail.

3. Couples working out together are vile. You can’t spend one hour apart? Also, the guy showing the submissive girl how to do everything makes me retch.

4. People who act like the mayor of the fucking gym. I don’t even smile at people I know at the gym because all I want to do is leave the whole time. If I make eye contact with someone I know and they look away immediately, I know they are a great person and I feel very close to them.

5. Apparently the gym and all forms of exercise, based on the first four items on this list.

6. Also, people named Jim. Because it sounds like the word “gym.”

7. People who misspell the word “you’re” when telling me I’m fat (“your fat”).

8. People who stand too close to you while you’re in line for something. Make like Onyx and bacdafucup. I wish everyone was a football field away at all times, but I understand this isn’t possible, so please, just give me six inches. But twelve would be great. (No penis puns here.)

9. Clear-cut mail-order-bride situations where the guy is disgusting and the woman is beautiful and seems trapped. I pray that these women find a way to steal the man’s money and run off with it.

10. Radio commercials. Every single one ever.

11. People who say “I eat to live. I don’t live to eat.” I wish all ten plagues upon your house.

12. Guys who don’t make sure the girl comes.

13. Really drunk people. You may be thinking, Amy, you fucking hypocrite. But I’m not. I love drinking, but I almost never get fucking hammered anymore. Not much anyway, since college. Even when I would black out in college, no one ever knew. My speech was just a little slurred.

14. Okay, you were right; number 13 was fucked up for me to say. I do get drunk. But still, you shouldn’t.

15. Watercress.

16. People who look up, like at the ceiling, when they talk. Unless a pigeon has flown onto a chandelier above my head, look down here.

17. Also, birds inside. Any bird in an airport or mall or anything makes me out of my mind, crazy furious.

18. Selective outrage.

19. Drivers who floor it when a light turns green and then brake hard at a red light. I lie to a lot of Uber drivers and tell them I’m pregnant so they will drive safer. They don’t know I’m not and really neither do I. I guess I could be.

20. The Big Bang Theory. (The TV show, not the theory.)

21. People who judge me as a sinner. Fuck you.

22. Hotel-room deodorizers. They plug in these huge machines that make all the rooms smell the same and it’s all like baby powder and funerals. It makes your eyes water and your skin itch.

23. People who talk too loud in public. I have yelled at strangers. I will say “shhhhh” and no one is exempt. I once shushed Vin Diesel.

24. People with egos that don’t let them acknowledge the truth.

25. Black jelly beans. Also, black licorice makes me mad but not furious.

26. House music. It is the worst. I love going out and dancing to hip-hop but it’s almost impossible to find a place that plays it anymore because they have all been replaced by this horrible excuse for music.

27. Celebrity DJs and bad-boy chefs. Questlove doesn’t count. He is a drummer and an amazing DJ.

28. Grown women wearing jean shorts that are small enough to be a diaper, because I can’t come close to being able to rock them. I need a denim burka at this point.

29. Talking to anyone I don’t know on an elevator. (I guess this counts as small talk, which I’ve mentioned several times as something I detest, but it’s even more unbearable in an elevator because you’re trapped!)

30. People who go to Starbucks to write. Yuck.

31. People who bring a book to a bar deserve to be stoned. Don’t try to look mysterious and interesting. You are reading in a bar.

32. People who eat impeccably healthy. Fuck you!!!!

33. Most kids who aren’t my niece. Some kids are cute, but most need to tone it right on down.

34. Guys who try to flirt with you even though you give clear motherfucking indicators that you are not interested. JUST STOP!!!!

35. Girls who act like prudes. We’ve all had to clean cum off our skin while making eye contact with ourselves in the mirror.

36. Guys who don’t like to have sex a lot. At least twice a week or get out of here. (I know I should be sympathetic, but I have no patience for that.)