The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo - Amy Schumer (2016)

EXCERPT FROM MY JOURNAL IN 2003 (AGE TWENTY-TWO) WITH FOOTNOTES FROM 2016


Dear Journal,

Well it’s always a bad sign when I’m not writing. It really means I have something to hide or that I am not living in reality and I don’t want to think about it.1 This2 past two months have been no exception. I am now in New York on the train on my way to try and get a fabulous waitressing job in the city.3

I have been living in a world mirroring reality but not quite a part of it.4 I graduated from college blah blah blah. What exactly does that mean?5 I think I know but I’ve learned that the present truth becomes the future’s nonsense.6

The last two months of school were busy but great. The play went pretty well. It could have been 1,000 times better but the director was the worst ever and the cast sucked too.7

I am trying to begin my life.8 I want everything right now.9 I want to be living in NYC,10 getting paid,11 to act and bartend.12 I’ve only been home a week and I’m already itching to be raking in cash and going on auditions.13 I want to start a new page.14


1. I like that I believed my journal was this priest I had to confess my sins to. I had this unwritten contract to keep shit real with my journal.

2. It’s also a bad sign when a “writer” uses “this” instead of “these” when talking about something plural. Crushing it, Amy!

3. I honestly don’t know if I was joking or not with the word “fabulous,” but what I learned quickly was that there are no fabulous waitressing jobs, or bartending jobs, or any service industry jobs, except maybe there is a professional head getter. Is that a job? You just lie there and get head? That sounds fabulous.

4. I would love to know what the fuck I am talking about here. I must have been reading a heavy-handed Oprah book club pick.

5. I have a point here. To this day, I maintain that going to college is not essential if you want to be an actor, especially if you truly want to perform. Read some plays and study in an intensive course with the technique that is the most useful for you. I liked the Meisner technique, so I studied that for a couple years after college with William Esper.

6. Slow down, Nietzsche. This is utter garbage. Just babble. I am embarrassed for myself, but that’s part of reading from a journal.

7. Pretty harsh, Amy Ford Coppola. What did I expect? It was a state school in Maryland. Did I want Mark Rylance and Meryl Streep to costar with me? We were a bunch of teenagers playing adults. Relax.

8. I remember this feeling so well. Since I was ten I’d wanted to feel like life was really starting and it all wasn’t just this prep for it.

9. I did.

10. I do.

11. I do.

12. I like that I was realistic enough to know that I would have to bartend and that I included it in my dream. I upgraded from waitressing to bartending in this one journal entry.

13. Little did I know that auditions are what nightmares are made of. You are judged by a roomful of people who have no respect for you as you read for a role you will not get.

14. I would like for you to believe that I was being poetic and metaphorical here, but I literally meant I wanted to start a new page of the journal entry. There was a whole line left, but I drew an arrow because I was sick of looking at that page.