The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo - Amy Schumer (2016)
EXCERPT FROM MY JOURNAL IN 2001 (AGE TWENTY) WITH FOOTNOTES FROM 2016
I got home around 2:50.1 Today I went with my mom and Kim to meet Jay at LaGuardia. We got to meet his good friend from his school, Eileen.
Throughout the weekend he made his usual fat jokes about me,2 and Kim looked so wonderful and thin3 and I felt so heavy and the mixture of all of that has made me decide to try to develop an eating disorder.4 Hopefully it will safely work out.5 I’m sick of feeling confident and then suddenly self-conscious.6 It’s too hard. I have become something I never thought I would. I’ve never had any real issue with my weight but I’m seeing Dan in three weeks and I’m sick of being looked at as the big girl. I want to feel what it’s like to be considered really hot. I hate that that is such a priority to me. But right now it just is.7
I can just see myself reading this entry when I’m recovering from the disorder and gaining back the weight, but I have to give it a shot.8 I’ve tried everything else.9 If I don’t look much better than now, I will refuse to see Dan. I want to see him and feel thin and beautiful or not see him at all.10
This is such a humiliating thing to actually write down, but I’m sort of depressed and I’ve worked pretty hard and this is just how I feel. So be it. We’ll see what happens.
P.S. I guess Dan has too much power over me. I need something else. I’ve been seriously thinking about the AmeriCorps=Hell yea.11 I wish it was now. I should be enjoying college not praying for it to end.12 What the fuck. I want to go to NYU so bad.13 Towson sucks, Baltimore is bullshit.14 Get me the fuck out of here.15
A few days later:
It’s been two weeks since my last confession. Haha.16 I just read over my previous journal entry. It makes me sick.17 I don’t feel that way at all right now about my body. I like my body.18 Before hooking up with Dan I never had a real issue with it.19 If he continues to make me feel self-conscious I really don’t want to communicate with him anymore.20 I feel pretty good about myself and my weight right now. Anyway, I’m on a plane on my way to visit Dan haha. Again, with a mere mention of a visit, I’m on a plane to go see this little bastard.21 I hope we have so much fun. I just don’t want to take this too seriously.22 He is my friend who I love on a deeper level than other friends. The sex certainly completes it but that’s just a factor of our friendship.23 I’m excited to see how this weekend goes. It’s Thursday right now and I’m staying til Sunday.24
1. Wow, very precise. What is this, Law and Order?
2. I honestly don’t remember my brother making fun of my weight at all. I remember him making sure my ego was in check and that I never got too full of myself.
3. I had no idea that she was battling an eating disorder at the time.
4. Cool idea, Aim! Really smart and not dangerous. What an inspiration. By the way, my swing-and-a-miss at an eating disorder lasted under one day. I think I skipped one meal and then decided, Nope . . . fuck that noise.
5. Like they always do.
6. Well, get used to it, bitch. It’s for the rest of your life.
7. I understand what I’m saying here. Feeling this way is a theme in every girl’s life, I think, and at that age, you think there’s some other version of yourself that is waiting to come out and blow everyone’s dick off. I am so glad this is almost fifteen years ago and I know myself and my body now. Sorry, girls this age, but if you can, just skip the self-hatred and the striving to be some other type of girl. Just let that phase pass you by and love yourself how you are. Don’t waste any energy on it. If you want to lose a little weight, fine. Make sure you are healthy, but fuck, skip all the rest. You are hot and the person who will love you won’t notice ten pounds. I really promise.
8. Not only was I so confident in my ability to develop an efficient eating disorder, but I was also certain I would recover from it. Do you think I get ahead of myself?
9. Except for not drinking like Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas.
10. This was the boyfriend who made me feel bad about myself and my body so I would have low self-esteem and he wouldn’t lose me. More on this prize later.
11. That is like the Peace Corps but in America, which my brother did. Which I never even came close to doing. I am a flake. Also . . . “Hell yea”??? Yikes.
12. That is not true, that is exactly what I should have been doing. People who enjoy high school or college too much are wack in my humble opinion.
13. I don’t remember ever thinking that.
14. I disagree with myself here. Baltimore is not bullshit; I grew to really love it.
15. Many people think I have this unshakable confidence, so I hope this look into my most intimate thoughts will support the idea that loving yourself takes time. Like any healthy relationship, it doesn’t happen overnight. And sometimes, it can only come to fruition after several failed attempts at eating disorders.
16. What a hack. I seriously thought I was Woody Allen.
17. My emotional swings in my twenties were like those of someone with multiple personality disorder.
18. Oh okayyyyy, boo boo!
19. I was putting the pieces together that this guy was treating me like garbage.
20. Yeah, bitch! I want to jump off the couch and celebrate for this girl—follow this girl, ladies!
21. Turns out I was right. He was a bastard. See chapter titled “The Worst Night of My Life.”
22. Hear me now! The “I’m just gonna have fun and not be attached” tactic has never and will never work, sistas. I do not know one girl who wants to get a bunch of different dick. We aren’t wired that way, honeys.
23. Damn, you can hear me lying to myself even on the page.
24. Okay, I Googled it and that checks out. It was a Thursday. It was also my brother’s birthday. Happy belated, Jay!