The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo - Amy Schumer (2016)

EXCERPT FROM MY JOURNAL IN 1999 (AGE EIGHTEEN) WITH FOOTNOTES FROM 2016


Dear Journal,

It’s a Monday and I’m still home. This break has been a lot of fun. It’s been more of a learning experience than anything else. It’s time for me to reflect on this past month.1

Last Tuesday-Wednesday, some of us went to Gormans.2 It was fun. We had good conversations and we danced.3 Thursday we went to Roulettes. It was a lot of fun. We all got to a good level of drunk4 and danced like we had never danced before.5 We were dancing like lesbians. It was so fun.6 Every guy there would have died for any one of us.7 Right before I left, I ran into Nick.8 I was so glad to see him. He really was exactly what I wanted right then. A guy to be really interested in me and that I would like to mess around with. He was extremely friendly. I told him to call me. He called me the next day and asked me to come to a Long Beach bar. I said maybe, but I would have to see.9

I saw the movie Girl Interrupted with my friends.10 It was really good. Saturday night I had over a bunch of girls, three of which go to college with Jess Sap. We got pretty drunk and went to meet up with Nick. He was so happy to see me.11 He bought us drinks all night.12 We didn’t pay for a thing.13 I looked amazing.14 I wore this tube shirt from Zara that ties in the back.15 He said the sweetest things to me.16 When the bar closed we all went back to my house. Everyone else left and Nick and I went into my room. We hooked up for like three hours.17

I liked how he kissed but he was very aggressive and rough. He kept trying to “shock” me which is sticking one finger up my ass and one up my vagina.18 I had to be on my guard. It felt different, not too bad. I just didn’t want him doing that.19 I never let any of my boyfriends do that so why should this guy?20 He kept trying to make me touch myself.21 I was making jokes like “I don’t think we’re at that stage in our relationship.”22 The oddest thing that he did was after he had gone down on me I went down on him for a minute and he was trying to finger me with his toes.23 I was like “no thanks” and he actually asked why.24 He also kept biting my nipples really hard.25 It made me so mad the next day because they were really irritated. So was my vagina from him fingering me so hard.26

He spent the night. I asked if he liked his own space when he slept. He said yes. I jumped up naked and slept in my mom’s room.27 I woke up a couple hours later and drove him home. I had Kim come with me.28 He kissed me good-bye on the cheek and told me to call. Later we spoke on the phone and he said that he felt like I just wanted to get him out of my house. He was so right.29

The next night nothing went on. This week I worked at Forever 21 in the mall. They have me at cashier now so it’s more entertaining.30


1. Very deep, Amy. Are you reflecting on a goodwill trip to Guatemala? Or your time volunteering at a shelter? No, you are reflecting on all the bars you went to. What an insightful mind. Proceed.

2. A bar that allowed underage kids to drink.

3. I would imagine the conversations went like this: “I like your shirt, where’s it from?” “Armani Exchange.” “Oh, that’s why it says ‘Armani Exchange’ on it.” “Good catching up with you.”

4. Most likely blackout.

5. I will never be able to express how grateful I am that there is no footage of this.

6. I want to apologize to all lesbians. There is no way lesbians dance the way we were dancing. We must have been incorporating the age-old technique of trying to get the guys to notice us by pretending we were on the precipice of letting the music (most likely “Come On Eileen”) take over our souls and make us forget what we knew our sexuality to be and just start licking each other right there on the dance floor of that shitty bar.

7. Inflated sense of self, Amy? I would like to edit together a video of how I saw myself that night and then what was actually happening. I blame MTV’s show The Grind for making everyone think they were Daisy Fuentes.

8. He was a very hot and strong dude. I remember him looking like Superman or Chris Klein.

9. Yeah fucking right. I’m sure I started getting ready right then for an entire twenty-four hours.

10. It was basically a documentary about all of us, except we were less hot.

11. Red flag.

12. Redder flag.

13. Reddest flag.

14. I am dying laughing knowing what I looked like at this age. The only amazing thing about how I looked was that people were able to identify me as female.

15. I remember this shirt. It was made of wool and thin brown leather straps with three ties in the back. It was insanely itchy and gave me a rash all over my body. It looked like what a poor commoner who gets raped by a soldier on Game of Thrones would wear. It was too short, so my belly stuck out, and I had no waist and was shaped very much like an old-timey radio, which I must have wanted to accentuate.

16. Of course he did; I had a target on my head, or my lower back, I should say.

17. This now sounds like a nightmare to me, just an exhausting bacteria exchange. Pass.

18. Thank you, Dr. Schumer, very sexy. I really spared no details, I guess. But what great writing. Don’t you feel like you’re in the room with me? It’s like we are all sitting on his finger as he is trying to put it in my butthole.

19. It’s always been my least-favorite way to have my temperature taken.

20. That’s good logic, right? No one I loved or trusted got the honor of touching the inside of my butthole. You must be knighted by the queen before entering a digit into my buttocks was my philosophy, I guess.

21. Lazy.

22. I think this behavior is probably more typical now with the generation raised on porn, but at the time it was pretty out-there in my eyes.

23. Or as they called it in ancient China, toeing.

24. I would like to present this guy with the medal for brass balls. Why?! You want to know why I don’t want your toes in me?! Maybe because that’s fucking gross and my pussy is not your own personal moccasin. So until Crocs comes up with a new model called the five-toe vagina shoe, please keep your feet exactly one leg’s length away from my lady part!

25. Guys who do this should be the last residents at Guantánamo.

26. If you’re trying to make a girl remember you, maybe just write her a poem.

27. Hahahaha. She wasn’t home of course. I repeat, she was NOT in the bed. But I love that at eighteen that was already my steeze to skip the snuggling after hooking up.

28. Jesus Christ, Amy, your poor sister! “Hey, want to take a ride across Long Island with this guy who used me as a puppet all night?” She was fourteen!

29. Wow, he was so in touch with what women want.

30. I stand by being excited about this promotion! Little did I know I would be wearing their clothes well into my midthirties.