The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo - Amy Schumer (2016)
THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME
Constructing a list of things you don’t know about me is pretty difficult, because I’m an open book. But here’s my attempt:
1. I have a bad scar on my left leg from a surfing accident I was in as a teenager. I think it’s cool but I know deep down it’s gross.
2. I speak sign language. I’m not crazy fluent, but I can communicate pretty well. I’ve learned the hard way that not all deaf people want to talk to you just because you can sign.
3. I am terrified of spiders, and ferrets make me puke.
4. I am not allergic to any foods, but eggplant hurts my mouth.
5. I have an innie, not an outie (talking about my vagina).
6. The birth control I use is the NuvaRing. (I’ve never been paid to endorse the NuvaRing, but I believe I should be. Same goes for Rombauer chardonnay.)
7. I have never been pregnant, but I look like I have.
8. I have never had anal sex. (I would be willing, but they say you can’t eat for a couple hours beforehand, and I don’t see that happening.)
9. No one has ever come on my face (but I think everywhere else has been covered).
10. My favorite food is pasta with Parmesan and I like to eat it as I’m falling asleep.
11. I have been skydiving but I didn’t like it because you have to JUMP OUT OF A FUCKING AIRPLANE.
12. I don’t go to temple anymore, but I like that I’m Jewish, and I enjoy the grossest Jewish food, like whitefish salad and gefilte fish.
13. I like my feet and my ears. I know my mouth is really small, but I like it, and it has gotten me out of going down on several people.
14. My favorite living actors are Samantha Morton and Mark Rylance.
15. I like smoking pot and I like smoking pot.
16. I have eaten mushrooms a couple times (funnnnnnnnn).
17. I have never done ecstasy, cocaine, or acid. But I feel like I’m already on all of those things.
18. I love Ani DiFranco. You are going to get sick of hearing about this because she comes up a lot in this book. I’ve been going to her concerts since I was thirteen. I don’t want to meet her ever. I’d start crying and ruin her day.
19. I can’t stand Rod Stewart’s voice.
20. And the seventh thing you don’t know about me is that I’m really good with numbers.
21. My sister tested my IQ when she was getting her master’s degree in school psychology and I tested as a genius in half the categories and nearly cognitively impaired in the other half.
22. To date, I’ve slept with twenty-eight people. I can’t remember all of their names, but I remember the nicknames I gave them (Third Ball, Pit Bull Guy, Cousin Steve—JKJKJKJK).
23. I faked falling in a dirt pile to get out of running a mile in gym class. I lay in the dirt until someone found me.
24. My favorite poet is Anne Sexton and my favorite poem is “Admonitions to a Special Person.”
25. The thing I own the most of is wine, but please send more.
26. I’ve read the book Tortilla Flat ten times for some reason. I’ve watched The Royal Tenenbaums one hundred times.
27. My favorite scene in a movie is when Billy Crudup meets Samantha Morton’s character at the daytime house party in Jesus’ Son and she’s dancing to the song “Sweet Pea.”
28. At parties, you can usually find me … at home. I hate parties.
29. The thing that’s on my mind the most is my family.
30. I have a thing for guys with a gap between their teeth.
31. My paternal great-grandmother was a bootlegger in NYC.
32. I’m not sure when I’ve laughed the hardest in my life, but I am sure that I was with my sister when it happened.
33. The best thing I’ve ever bought was a comfy bed.
34. The two things I always decline, every single time they are offered to me, are cocaine and ham.
35. I mostly hate being in museums, except for the American Museum of Natural History. I like the dinosaurs and animal tableaus, and they sell astronaut ice cream at the gift shop.
36. My favorite place I’ve traveled to in the US is New Orleans. The music, food, and people are the best. My favorite place I’ve been outside the country is Altea, a little fishing village in Spain.
37. I hate horror movies because I get so scared, but I always forget and watch them by accident. I come up with an excuse about why my sister has to sleep in the same room as me. She’s nice about it but knows it’s because I am a deep loser.
38. I don’t know if I want kids. Maybe not.
39. One of my favorite things to do is go dancing with Amber Tamblyn and twerk to the best of my abilities.
40. I’ve never hooked up with a girl, except on camera for my TV show, but it seems fun. This is unrelated to #39.
41. I meditate twice a day for twenty minutes each time. It helps clear my mind and get rid of stress, and it gives me energy.
42. My sister and I went to Oktoberfest in Munich once and snuck into the tents and had one of the best times of our lives.
43. I am a pathological liar.
44. Just kidding.