Heavy Lifting: Grow Up, Get a Job, Raise a Family, and Other Manly Advice (2015)
PART III
Love and Marriage
My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.
—Winston Churchill
11
Asking Her Out
So there’s this guy. And this guy knows a girl. He doesn’t know her that well, but every time he sees her there’s a little hitch in his breath. They were at a happy hour with some friends, drinking rum and cokes, and debating whether Doogie Howser, M.D., grew up to become House M.D.
He noticed her smile that night, and it seemed she glanced his way on occasion. Was she interested? Should he ask her out?
Most twenty-something single women we know predict that this fella will follow up with a text or e-mail like this:
“Had fun talking last night. We should hang out sometime. Maybe get a drink!”
Don’t do this. This is not asking a woman out. This is the passive-aggressive mating cry of the North American ManChild, and it is a sad and lonely call. Rare is the woman who responds favorably to its forlorn bleating.
If you’re truly interested in possibly dating this woman, ASK HER OUT. Call her and say, “Hey, I really enjoyed talking with you the other night. If you’re free, can I take you out to dinner? I know a great little farm-to-table/greasy spoon diner/small plate place that I think you’d enjoy.”
Be honest, direct, and clear that YOU ARE ASKING HER OUT. You’re asking her out because she’s interesting. She’s attractive, charming, and engaging. You’re asking her out because there’s a spark, at least on your end. And if you’re okay with who you are, then there’s no reason not to be confident in your actions.
What about rejection? If the attractive, charming, and engaging woman of your dreams (or at least your daydreams of the past week) says something like, “I had a really good time too! Unfortunately, I’m really tied up with work and don’t know when I can get away” or “I had a really good time too, but I have a boyfriend already,” what do you do then?
Take it like a man, say thanks, and say you hope to see her soon. That’s it.
Now, I won’t deny that there’s a sting that comes with rejection. But unless you hole up in a cave for the rest of your life, you’re going to be dealing with rejection for decades to come, so it’s best to develop that tough skin early. Maybe you will meet up again at another happy hour. Maybe something will develop over time. Maybe it won’t. But the point is, you make the call and then move on.
There’s a good chance, of course, she’ll respond to your invitation with “That sounds great! Would next Wednesday work?”
But you won’t know unless you ask.
There’s no reason that a first date has to be awkward, though I’ve had my fair share. I learned the hard way after watching Pulp Fiction that Quentin Tarantino movies aren’t exactly great first date experiences. In fact, a trip to the movies is a really lame first date. So is a loud bar. Basically, any place where you can’t really talk to your date is a poor location for your time together. That doesn’t mean that the only requirement is a quiet place. Graveyards are a bad choice, unless she’s really into vampires and werewolves, for instance. A quiet restaurant or even a picnic at a park is always a good choice. It could be as simple as lunch from a food truck while sitting underneath a shade tree. I think the most important thing is that you’re able to talk.
A great first date starts with a great connection, and to have that, you need great conversation with as few awkward silences as possible. That doesn’t mean you have to launch into your twenty-minute monologue about politics, religion, your least favorite TV show, the unappreciated genius of your favorite band, or, even worse, a long rambling diatribe that flits from subject to subject without ever allowing for your dinner companion to get a word in edgewise. In fact, please don’t do any of that. Instead of bragging about yourself, why not find out more about the incredibly interesting person sitting across from you? Great chemistry can be found through great conversation, after all.
Take the Risk
There are a lot of theories about why dating appears to be dying out among Millennials. There’s the “hook up” culture of course, but it should be noted that, at least according to some surveys, there’s not really any more casual hooking up than a generation ago, and some evidence that fewer college students are sexually active. Along with less dating, there’s also less cohabitation and less marriage. You know what we do have a lot more of than we had a generation ago? Online porn.
It may very well be that the ubiquitous nature of online pornography and the relative ease of hooking up for a casual encounter have made dating seem like less of an imperative and more of a chore. In 2011, Davy Rothbart wrote a piece for New York magazine about how porn is affecting men’s libidos. Porn, he theorizes, may be causing us to detach from our real-life sexual partners, or even replace them in some circumstances. In talking with a number of guys about their experience with porn, what he found was that many of them, even in their twenties, were losing interest in their real-world sexual partners because porn was sexier, kinkier, and more accessible than their spouse. Most of them felt bad about it, but not enough to quit watching and pay more attention to a real woman instead.*
Davy Rothbart, “He’s Just Not That into Anyone,” New York magazine, January 30, 2011, http://nymag.com/news/features/70976/index1.html.
While Rothbart’s article focused on guys who were actively involved in relationships, it stands to reason that single guys might be even more vulnerable to porn’s pernicious availability. There’s a cost to this far beyond the monthly Internet bill. As Thomas Paine put it in The Crisis, “What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly. It is dearness only that gives everything its value.” For the first time in human history we can get a reasonable facsimile of sex (or possibly even the real thing) at any hour of the day with little or no work whatsoever. I can’t help but wonder if that’s leading more and more of us to decide that pursuing or maintaining a real relationship simply isn’t worth the trouble.
Among the many user reviews on Amazon.com for Helen Smith’s 2013 book Men on Strike: Why Men are Boycotting Marriage, Fatherhood, and the American Dream—and Why It Matters, a commentator calling himself “FullyAwake” proclaims that he is one of the men on strike, despite believing that “marriage and family are probably the best things you could possibly have in life.” Why? Too risky, he says. “One slip up with a woman and your life could be ruined.”
Maybe that’s true, but life entails risk. It was risky for Cam to marry a woman nearly a decade his senior who already had two kids and whom he had known for less than a year. Without risks, you’re not likely to find many rewards in life. You’re certainly not likely to find love.
So ask her out. Yes, there’s the chance she’ll say no. Even if she says yes, there’s a slight chance that it could turn out catastrophically bad and your life will be forever ruined. Though I doubt it; forever is a long time. There’s also a slight chance that you’ll meet someone you know is the love of your life the moment you see her. The odds are pretty good that a first date will lead neither to catastrophe nor to immediate matrimony but to a good meal and a better conversation. But you’ll never know unless you actually try.
Take Your Lumps
There’s a scene in an early episode of The Simpsons that turns the usual Ward Cleaver fatherly wisdom moment on its head. After life has dealt the kids, Lisa and Bart, a terrible disappointment, Homer turns to them and offers his version of a life lesson: “Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”
Sadly there are some people who actually take this message to heart—if not from Homer, than from life’s disappointments and rejections.
Everyone gets rejected at some point. You just don’t see it. No exceptions. Brad Pitt got dumped. In the late 1980s, before his big break, then-struggling actor Pitt spent what little money he had to fly to Budapest, where his actress fiancée was working on a film. The night he arrived, she announced the engagement was off and she was in love with the director.
“I spent my night in Budapest, sitting on a bench, smoking, with just a local bum to talk to who couldn’t speak English. These are the days and nights you remember when you have success. I returned to America absolutely broke.”*
Caroline Goddard, “Brad Pitt Talks Breakups,” sheknows, April 19, 2011, http://www.sheknows.com/entertainment/articles/828889/brad-pitt-talks-breakups.
Suddenly your rejections, breakups, and other disappointments don’t look quite so bad, huh?
There’s an obvious sense of shame associated with being told “you’re not good enough,” which is understandable; what’s strange about the human condition in our modern world is that a lot of us try to act like we never, or almost never, experience it.
Our resumes never list the awful failures that offered hard lessons.* Our first date stories rarely include the dumbest decisions we’ve ever made. Our pictures on the wall never depict us with expressions of despair, wondering how we’re ever going to fix what we’ve broken. Men brag about their conquests—true, exaggerated, or made up entirely—but rarely discuss their failures.
“What was your worst failure in your life so far, and what did you learn from it?” would make a really good job interview question.
Most of us succeed at avoiding the topic of our rejections, failures, and mistakes so thoroughly that some people who do experience rejection think there’s something uniquely wrong or screwed up about them.
Social media exaggerates this effect. A while back a friend said he hesitated to set up a Facebook account, declaring, “I don’t want to show off my entire life to the entire world.” But very few Facebook users show off their whole life. They show off only the parts of their life that they want to show off—the victories, the great moments, the smiles. It’s like a beer commercial. Our Facebook pages depict our lives as we wish they were.
There are exceptions, of course. Some people don’t mind telling the world all about their problems, getting some comfort from the messages of sympathy that pour in. It’s easy to become attached to the soothing commiseration of others, and that constant reassurance that you’re an unfortunate victim of fate, not responsible for this bad turn of events. Accepting pity is easy. Accepting responsibility is hard.
Then there’s “Vaguebooking”—when someone posts messages like “This is just the worst day” or “I can’t believe this is happening to me” without any further details. It’s hard to shake the suspicion that it is a passive-aggressive test of how quickly everyone responds with concern.
There’s a sting that comes with rejection. But it shouldn’t be crippling, and the fear of rejection shouldn’t cripple us either. And there’s some disturbing anecdotal evidence that the entire process of dating is changing out of fear of rejection.
Our friend Lisa De Pasquale described this phenomenon in her book, Finding Mr. Righteous:
Rather than actually ask a girl out on a date, they would forward an email to a happy hour or some other function. It’s not a date invitation, so there’s no fear of rejection by the guy. Girls don’t know what to do with this passive invitation.
Apparently it’s particularly common among young men in the greater Washington, D.C., area. I suppose when your bosses won’t let themselves get nailed down to a clear political position, the underlings won’t let themselves get nailed down to a clear position on whether they’re asking a girl out.
This is the quintessential “Come on, man!” moment.
Unless we want to go back to a culture of arranged marriages, somebody, somewhere, is going to have to take the initiative and get these relationships started. Yes, there are some women who are willing to ask a guy out. Maybe you’ll be one of those lucky men.
We intend no disrespect to your qualities as a man and potential mate, but frankly, you just can’t count on this.
Even if you did, that approach to dating, relationships, and marriage means you will end up with the best girl who is brave enough to make the first move (remember, women experience fear of rejection, too!) and selects you out of the crowd of men out there. (Reminder: There are roughly 151 million men in the United States. Even when you toss out those under eighteen, married men, gays, and the senile, you’re still going to have to stand out in a crowd.)
Maybe that will turn out okay for you—there are about eighty-eight single men for every one hundred single women in the United States. But you’ll admit the odds aren’t great.
Alternatively, you can try asking the girl out.
Let’s go back to that “forwarded e-mail to happy hour” approach lamented by the young women we know. This doesn’t make them feel particularly wanted or desired. The intent is vague: “What is this, a professional networking event? Am I supposed to bring business cards?”
This hapless guy’s strategy to minimize the risk of rejection is to make the invitation as unimportant and consequence-free as possible. The problem is you’re also saying that you are as unimportant and consequence-free as possible.
Think about the message this sends to the girl! “Eh, it’s just an event. It wasn’t even important enough to pick up the phone and ask using vocal cords. I’m going to save using those for someone special.” It’s a forwarded e-mail. Literally, the only energy expended was to press the “forward” and “send” buttons. The unwritten subtext is, “The prospect of us spending time together only warrants two mouse clicks’ worth of effort.”
The subtext of “eh, I don’t really care about this invitation” can easily be interpreted as, “eh, I don’t really care about inviting you” … or perhaps, “eh, I don’t really care about me.”
You should not see going out on a date with you as a burden you are inflicting on some unlucky attractive woman. If you can’t generate some not-so-subtle sense of enthusiasm or excitement or appreciation of an evening out with her, how in the world do you expect her to do the same?
Now imagine if you called her and said, “I’ve got this after-work happy hour—want to meet there and I’ll take you to dinner afterward?”
Suddenly it’s much clearer. And then you’ve got a shot.
What Would Ward Cleaver Do?
In Ward’s day, there was no hiding behind electronic media; you actually had to ask a girl out. And he had been in the Navy as a Seabee. Their motto? “Can do!”
