fuck assholes - F*ck Feelings: One Shrink's Practical Advice for Managing All Life's Impossible Problems (2015)

F*ck Feelings: One Shrink's Practical Advice for Managing All Life's Impossible Problems (2015)

chapter nine

fuck assholes

Contrary to everything you’ve heard from preachers, alcohol counselors, and characters in angel-themed TV programs, certain bad people can’t stop themselves from being bad. Sure, in an ideal world, everyone is endowed with the ability to make moral choices. In this world, however, these guys aren’t. They’re the source of many problems that drive people to seek treatment, which is why they get a chapter all to themselves.

We call them Assholes with a capital A (and on our website, we jokingly add a ™, but it turns out you can’t do that in a book, because lawyers take ™s seriously). It’s not an insult, but a technical term emphasizing the fact that they are who they are; there’s no changing them and their attacks aren’t personal, even though they mean them personally, because, not surprisingly, anyone who gets close to an Asshole will eventually get shit on. There’s every good reason to give them a wide berth, for they are as the lord made them, just like rattlesnakes, tsunamis, and acne.

You could also call them psychopaths or say they have bad, borderline, or narcissistic personality disorders, or other fancy, multisyllabic names, but those words imply more, take longer to spit out, and say less. Simply put, an Asshole is someone who behaves like a jerk and doesn’t see it. These aren’t people you call Assholes because you’re angry; they’re Assholes because of the specific way they behave. Where you see moral choices and harmful consequences, Assholes see disrespect, intense needs, and the right to defend themselves against injury and injustice every time those needs are frustrated.

If you’re forced to live or deal with an Asshole every day, you’ll probably have strong feelings about them. This may prompt you to seek help from the appropriate professional. If that professional isn’t a hit man, you will be tempted to find a way to help said Asshole or, even better, get him help from a shrink.

While many seem to believe that shrinks have a special technique for taming Assholes and getting them to see the light—Asshole whisperers, as it were—no one has such powers. Most people attempt to be Asshole screamers, which is even worse. The sooner you learn that all attempts to change Assholes are futile (at any volume), the sooner you’ll be able to live with Assholes in your day-to-day life.

After all, those who do have Assholes in their lives know from experience that no matter how many times you try, nothing helpful you or anyone else has said or done has made a bit of difference (except possibly a negative one). In actuality, Assholes never come to see shrinks except to complain about being traumatized and mistreated, often by their prior (equally powerless) shrinks. Shrinks take consolation, however, in the huge business generated from an Asshole’s friends, neighbors, family, lovers, contractors, ex-therapists, etc. Aside from therapists, Assholes are also owed a huge debt of gratitude from lawyers, the communications industry, and the casting directors for any number of shows on Bravo and MTV.

You might think that nobody would get close to an Asshole on purpose, but the problem is, Assholes are often attractive (just ask any dog, har har). Intense emotions are attractive, even when they’re ugly, and Assholes, like crazy people (and “crazy women”—see chapter 6), convey so much raw emotion that (a) it’s like living in your own personal telenovela, and (b) they seem like tragic victims. When they turn to us non-Assholes for help and shower us with praise, one can’t help but be sucked in.

Assholes offer us a chance to step into their drama and play a role—hero, victim, unjustly accused, you name it—without the need for talent or a ticket. In addition, they’re naturally less inhibited by doubts and second thoughts than the rest of us so they speak with more confidence and conviction. Unfortunately, after initially being your best friend/indebted admirer, Assholes tend to graduate you to their enemies list (or at least force you to listen to their enemies list, the length of which should serve as a huge red flag).

If you’re asking yourself whether you’re an Asshole, don’t; Assholes don’t ask themselves whether they’re Assholes. They know the problem is other people. Most of us act like assholes (no capital) sometimes, but try not to. This is part of being human and a good reason for getting help from shrinks, church, spin class, or whatever works for you. Many of us are possessed by instincts that sometimes turn us into assholes, but we work all our lives to keep those urges in check. Exorcism only works in the movies, but therapies of various kinds can make us stronger at keeping the inner demons from coming out, one day at a time.

Accepting the fact that you’re dealing with an Asshole means giving up the hope that you can change their bad behavior with love, reason, therapy, or a talking-to of either the “come to Jesus” or “go to hell” variety. It also means accepting whatever pain and lack of control goes with that bad behavior. Once you do so, however, you will be able to stop useless conflicts and rescue attempts. You’ll improve your ability to manage their bad behavior as effectively as possible. Assholes can’t be saved, but your sanity can.

Fucked by Your Nearest and Dearest Asshole

It’s hard to describe how violating it can feel to be fucked by an Asshole—first of all, it seems both disgusting and biologically impossible, and second, it often involves hearty helpings of betrayal, drama, lies, and everything that makes for great daytime soaps and terrible real-life situations. Most of the Assholes you encounter in life aren’t the cold-fish Dexters or Madoffs whom you might slowly grow to trust after initially being very skeptical; in real life, Assholes’ selfishness is stealthy and covered by deceiving warmth.

That means, in addition to dealing with the actual legal or practical impact of the bad things Assholes say and do when the relationship inevitably goes south, you suffer severe loss, begin to mistrust yourself, and cling to the belief that you should be able to straighten things out—if you could only find the right words to recover your old relationship.

It’s hard to describe the experience because it seems so unbelievable, but when it happens to you, it’s very real, and all too painful. Both Assholes and their wrath, like snowflakes and actual tuchuses, come in all shapes and sizes, but the steps to recovering from a run-in are comfortingly similar.

Here’s how you can tell your trusted best friend is really an Asshole:

✵ All your reasonable efforts to swallow your anger and pride and reestablish communication after a disagreement have failed, or made things worse

✵ You realize all those bad people who hurt and betrayed your friend before she met you might not actually be so bad

✵ Her understanding of current events is all about what you did wrong, and not necessarily accurate or self-referential

✵ She’s prepared to say and do things that will harm her as well as you in order to get “justice,” usually of the biblical variety (wrath, hellfire, etc.)

Among the wishes people express when they write to us or come for post-Asshole treatment are:

✵ To understand how a former best friend could become so mean and impossible to talk to

✵ To get back the relationship they once had

✵ To get through to someone who was once so close

✵ To get her to stop

Here are some examples:

My business partner turned out to be a total asshole. At the beginning, we clicked perfectly. We had the same approach and he seemed highly motivated and receptive to my business plan. As long as we were doing well, we were a really great team and close friends. When the recession hit, he kept on taking money out of the business and denying it. When I confronted him with the evidence, he said I was doing the same thing and that he deserved a bonus for working harder than I did, both of which were untrue and which I can prove. Since then, he’s bad-mouthed me to our associates and even accused me of stealing, which ruins our joint business, as well as my reputation. My goal is to get him to stop before his nasty lies destroy everything.

My mother died when I was a baby, but her brother and my cousins were good to my sisters and me. We all seemed to get along. After my maternal grandmother was hit by a city bus, however, everything changed; my uncle became hell-bent on suing everyone involved in the accident right down to the manufacturer of the steering wheel, and said that he was entitled to most of my grandmother’s (meager) inheritance because we were “our dad’s kids” and he had a closer bond. It’s insane. He’s dragging my sisters and me into a handful of lawsuits that none of us can afford and breaking the family relationships we came to rely on. My goal is to get him to stop being a money-crazed monster.

When I first met my girlfriend six months ago, she was recovering from an abusive relationship and was almost broke, but we really connected and I didn’t hesitate to help her out. She told me I was the best thing that happened to her. I was really in love and felt it was the closest relationship I’ve ever had in my life. So I couldn’t understand why she stopped talking to me about a month ago. Then, after weeks of my begging her to tell me what was going on, she said I tried to dominate her with money and sex and that she felt much more comfortable with a guy she met at her yoga class. I’m blown away and can’t understand what I did wrong. My goal is to get her to remember what a wonderful thing we had going and try to get it back.

It’s hard to believe that you can’t spot a greedy, lying, unprincipled Asshole, particularly when you’ve known someone well for years. But sometimes you don’t get to see a person’s dark side until stress reveals it. That’s another good reason God created hard times—so we can find out who the Assholes are.

We tend to like people who make us feel good and we take pride in our ability to make quick decisions and trust our guts. Given what our guts produce, however, and what orifice that product is excreted from, we should know better.

So it’s not hard for smart, experienced people to be fooled by a good listener who makes an emotional connection. At any rate, after the end of a relationship with someone you would have trusted with your life (who then declares that you are his mortal enemy), you will have a new respect for due diligence and the value of trusting facts over feelings.

It’s no fun to discover that someone’s a bad person; what’s harder still is hearing him tell you and everyone else who will listen that you’ve done horrible things you wouldn’t think of doing. Efforts to communicate your honest feelings can be dangerous. Remember, you’re talking to a suicide bomber wearing a vest full of explosive allegations. The first rule is to keep your negative feelings and thoughts to yourself.

Quick Diagnosis

Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

✵ Your old relationship back

✵ An immediate end to the avalanche of bullshit

✵ Relief for your hurt and anger

✵ “Closure,” which is an emotional unicorn

✵ Any sort of control over what he will do or say next

Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

✵ Understand and accept the nature of your new, broken relationship, giving up on logic and reconciliation

✵ Stop adding dramatic, emotional, damaging fuel to the fire

✵ Stop letting hurt feelings and anger control your decisions

✵ Use time to diffuse the emotion and drain energy from the drama

✵ Use what influence you have to protect yourself

Here’s how you can do it:

✵ Let a lawyer be your primary therapist in terms of telling you what to expect, when to shut up, and what to document (remembering that sharing feelings with your legal representative solves nothing, could cost a lot, and isn’t remotely covered by health insurance)

✵ Protect your assets from petty vindictiveness

✵ Communicate only what’s positive and necessary, so as not to add fuel or show weakness (it helps to write out a statement in advance)

✵ Be prepared for the worst so that you don’t respond with outrage or any visible emotion other than confidence and determination

✵ Be prepared for the worst-case scenario

Your Script

Here’s what to say to the offending Asshole that will keep you on track regardless of how you really feel or how said annular friend responds.

Dear [Asshole Former Associate/Greedy Sibling/Ex-Girlfriend with New Yoga Boyfriend],

Although it’s true that we’re now having unfortunate differences, we used to [have fun/text each other with some frequency/share an HBO GO password] as friends and partners for so many years, and I’m sure we can address our differences in a positive way. In spite of our good efforts to overcome misunderstanding and reach an agreement, it’s been impossible, so it’s become necessary to figure out how to go forward from here. I propose we [keep our assets separate/agree to disagree/do a bunch of stuff a lawyer told me to do although I’ll never tell you I have a lawyer]. I believe this is fair and will be good for both of us, but it’s best for us not to speak further about this directly until all is worked out. Nevertheless, I wish you [the best/good health/a bountiful harvest] and hope this gets resolved soon.

My Parent, the Asshole

There’s nothing to stop Assholes from having kids. Indeed, if self-centered jerks weren’t reliably irresistible love magnets, shrinks would have trouble putting food on their tables. There are lots of kids who have to deal with Asshole parents. The problems these offspring usually run into include lots of anger at having been ignored (if they’re lucky), humiliated, and/or viciously attacked. At the same time, they often feel guilty and responsible for their parent’s unhappiness and bad habits because, by definition, an Asshole parent is always sure that others are to blame. The kids are often touchy, nervous, and guilty, unless they’re actively straightening out the world by being bullies, cops, or superheroes. Or therapists.

We want to honor and love our parents. That is hard to do and may be self-destructive when your parent is an Asshole. If you react to an Asshole parent without a clear sense of right and wrong, however, you can become dangerously reactive to negative feelings and the bad things they push you to do. What helps is to honor the ideal of a parent, accepting that, even if your parent is the anti-ideal, the ideal is well worth respecting and trying to live up to.

Here’s how you can tell if your parent is really an Asshole:

✵ He constantly reminds you how you’ve ruined his life, at which point you wish you could

✵ He is always entitled to share his feelings about your faults because it’s “honest” (which is a nice code word for “cruel”)

✵ Apologies are never enough, so you’re always trying to earn his love back

✵ He burns bridges in all his relationships (if he has any relationships left)

Among the wishes people express when they write us or come for post-Asshole-parent treatment are:

✵ To stop the nastiness and be a real family

✵ To get over an unhappy childhood

✵ To stop letting an Asshole upbringing cause them to be irresistibly drawn to dating Assholes

✵ To understand why they still feel helpless and enraged after their parent does the same old nasty routine for the millionth time

Here are some examples:

My mother is a drama queen who tries to control everyone in the family, and believes she’s doing it for our own good. She can get verbally nasty, and when we were kids, she’d hit us. At seventy-nine years old, she still has a horrible temper, and when her fits are over, she either forgets her bad behavior or it’s the other guy’s fault. I avoided conflict with her until a year ago, when she was mean to my kids, and then I got terribly angry and literally told her off and cut off all ties. Since then I have suffered from terrible guilt and wondered whether I’m just like her. I know she sees herself as an abandoned, mistreated victim. I don’t want to be mean to her and I don’t want the insults to start again. My goal is to figure out what to do with her.

My father can’t stop bad-mouthing my wife and refuses to talk to her at family events. He was always a difficult man—I don’t know how my mother put up with him—but he was nice to me as his only son until I got married. Now it hurts when he doesn’t return my calls, and I’m sorry he has no contact with my kids, but I don’t know how to get through to him. My wife is fine not having him around since he’s so mean to her, but I still feel like it’s wrong to not have my father in my life, and in my kids’ lives. My goal is to figure out how to do right by both him and my wife.

My father-in-law has always been difficult and had a drinking problem, but he’s my husband’s only surviving parent and our kid’s only grandparent, so I’ve found ways to put up with his visits over the years. The problem is that he’s decided to move closer to our family, to see his grandkid, and it’s turning into a nightmare. I’m a stay-at-home mom because my son’s too young for school, and he shows up at all hours, unannounced, sometimes tipsy, just wanting me to amuse him and listen to him complain about how unfair his life has been and how unloving my husband is as a son. He also promises to do things with my son all the time, like go fishing or just to the store, and then breaks his promise at the last minute, or just forgets, because he drinks. My husband doesn’t know what to do, but he’s terrified to say anything because he thinks it’ll break his dad’s heart and he might harm himself. My goal is find a way to get my husband to see how horrible his father is, and that we need a change.

If life were fair, you could get these parents to see that their bad behavior is ruining an important family connection you’re doing your best to preserve. Assuming that you don’t hold a grudge and aren’t interested in confrontation or compensation, you’d like nothing better than for these grandparents to be able to control themselves and enjoy quality time with their grandchildren, their kids, and really anyone with a pulse.

In that fair world, they’d listen, apologize, and attend Assholes Anonymous (as if an Asshole would ever settle for anonymity), plus butter would be good for you, and we’d get more episodes of The Wire and Firefly.

If you pursued your wishes instead of accepting reality in our unfair Firefly-free universe, you’d tell these jerks what they did wrong, insist that they get help, and refuse to talk to them until they did. Well … they’d get help, all right. They’d join a group of Parents Abused by Their Adult Children, whine themselves to sleep, and leave multiple tirades on your voice mail. Then you’d agonize over your guilt with friends, therapists, deep-dish pizzas, etc.

It’s hard to give up your wish to get through to an Asshole parent because their scary, irrational blame looms so large in a child’s life, seeming to fill and control the world. You have to remember that, as an adult, you have your own values and experiences. Whether or not his anger can still cause you pain, it doesn’t change your choices or your judgment of yourself. Don’t try to get through to him when you know that it’s never worked before. Accepting his nature as an Asshole helps you avoid conflict, minimizes his opportunities to do his Asshole thing, and gives him just enough contact and caring to fulfill your familial obligation/guilt.

Above all, don’t take responsibility for an Asshole parent’s guilt and unhappiness and don’t show it if you feel it. You can’t make him happy. You can’t change your own feelings. You can become a competent Asshole-parent wrangler by setting the rules, looking confident, optimistic, and guilt free, and making the most of your allotted time with Assholes you love.

Quick Diagnosis

Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

✵ Freedom from a feeling of impending doom whenever the Asshole is around

✵ The ability to make an Asshole parent happy (her happiness is way beyond anyone’s control, including hers)

✵ The option to bring your parent into the bosom of your family if and when she needs it

✵ A way to protect your family from nastiness

✵ Peace, justice, fairness, and a good relationship

Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

✵ The strength to do what you think is right, regardless of an Asshole parent’s anger, or your reaction to it

✵ A way to protect your own positive view of your family without referencing your parent’s negative views

✵ Limits on the Asshole’s opportunity to vent during brief, managed encounters

✵ Positive things the two of you can share and honor

Here’s how you can do it:

✵ Determine whether there are any good things you can actually accomplish with and for an Asshole parent (like improving her health, security, and relationships) that are likely to do some good and not be defeated by her being an Asshole

✵ Given your limited resources and the above realities, figure out your own responsibilities, if any, for making this happen

✵ Use a variety of techniques (avoiding one-to-one encounters, meeting in public places or places you can leave, sending messages by mail rather than telephone or face-to-face) to keep emotions from escalating

✵ Respect yourself for what you’re doing regardless of the negative response you’ll probably get and the angry, helpless feelings you’ll have to endure

Your Script

Here’s what to say to an Asshole parent who is asking you for more than you are prepared to give and charging you with crimes you didn’t commit.

Dear [Asshole Parent],

I appreciate all the good things you’ve done for me and I’ve listened carefully to what you have to say. I’m impressed with how [hard you work/well you get through crises/much you claim I put you through]. I don’t agree with your thoughts about [my terrible parenting/ungrateful attitude/haircut], so I will stick with my plans to [cut short unpleasant phone calls /let a real babysitter who’s sober watch the kids/skip that month-long family vacation to a one-room cabin in Alaska] because I think they represent the best compromise for everyone. Now that we’ve talked it over, this subject is closed. I’ll be in touch in a couple of days, and we can discuss [what good coupons you have this week/that disgusting movie they talked about on the news that you thought I’d like /anything else].

Did You Know … Some Assholes Are Saintly?

Now that we’ve established that Assholes aren’t intentionally bad (just dangerously disabled), it’s also worth noting that some Assholes are actually saintly, generous human beings who aren’t so big into wrath. They’re likable, eager to help, and willing to make commitments until they’re distracted by someone who needs rescuing. Once that happens, all other kind words and commitments to you are null and void.

What makes them Assholes is not just their unreliability but the fact that if you’re unhappy with their blown promises, it’s your problem for being overly sensitive and selfish. They’re just doing what they think is right, and you’re the asshole.

Meanwhile, their friends and kids wonder if they have to act sick, injured, or obnoxious to get said Asshole’s attention. Sadly, even if they do and it works, it’s only for a brief moment until someone else more wounded shows up at the watering hole.

So while many Assholes are angry crusaders, saintly Assholes are kindly victims; they actually want you to be happy, even while they’re fucking you over for reasons that, to them, are unavoidable. They’re less likely to sue you and more likely to make you feel guilty for wanting to sue them, but they require the same amount of distance if you want to avoid being disappointed, angry, and (gently) screwed.

Rising Up from an Asshole Takedown

Given the Asshole’s tunnel-vision, friend-or-enemy, black-or-white worldview, she has no choice but to turn everyone against you if she feels you’ve wounded her, even inadvertently. You may feel like she’s using a next-level version of the playground strategy “I’m rubber and you’re glue,” where she tells everyone that you’re the Asshole who did her wrong, letting the blame slide off her and stick to you. In fact, the gesture is deeper, more sincere, and a lot more desperate and dangerous.

Assholes share their feelings with your kids, friends, child-abuse hotlines, judges, the local news affiliate, the entire Internet. Since their feelings tell them what really happened, they never doubt themselves. Therefore, what they say carries the ring of truth. You’re lucky if you can just leave town and start over under another name.

If, by any chance, being falsely accused of vicious, predatory behavior makes you angry enough to express your indignation and prove your innocence, you’re in even deeper shit. You can never win a sincere outrage contest with an Asshole. Your anger just makes you look even guiltier.

In the long run, Assholes’ lies often become obvious because they’re not clever and calculating about covering up facts. Gathering and examining facts takes time; however, those who are skeptical and look for them will discover the truth. Meanwhile, you may find yourself answering embarrassing questions from people who don’t believe you, losing the faith and confidence of your kids, family, and community, and facing restraining orders and mounting legal costs.

Instead of wasting time thinking about how this Asshole could ruin your reputation, motivate yourself to think strategically and keep your mouth shut. No matter how much you want to protest the sheer insanity of what’s happening, do not give her that satisfaction.

Among the wishes people express when they write us or come for Asshole takedown treatment are:

When to fear social annihilation by an Asshole:

✵ You come home to the place where you’ve faithfully paid rent and your keys won’t open the door

✵ The stern policeman at the door wants to speak to you about the paper in his hand

✵ You accidentally learn your closest friends had a party and didn’t invite you

✵ Your kids stop calling, or treat you like a stranger

✵ You want to say you’re not a bad person but you know no one will believe you

✵ To get people to see the truth and clear their name

✵ To make the investigation end already

✵ To be allowed to get their tools out of the garage and keep their ex from burning them

✵ To find a way to see the kids and explain their side

✵ To stop having to go to court to defend themselves against false accusations

Here are some examples:

My marriage has been falling apart for several years, but I’ve got two nice kids and the more my wife yelled at us, the more I felt they needed me to stick around and protect them. I didn’t see it coming, though, when she had me served with a restraining order claiming I had bruised her. I’ve never touched her in my life, but I couldn’t get the cops or the judge to believe me and they just told me to calm down, as if I was explosive. Then I got a call from a social worker who says someone, she won’t say who, has reported me for sexually abusing my daughter. Meanwhile, I can’t see my kids. So finally I got a lawyer, whom I can’t really afford, while I sleep on my mother’s couch and borrow money from friends. My goal is to stop my life from falling apart.

My ex-husband was a smooth-talking jerk who never did much with the kids, work, or me. Mainly, he loved drinking and spending time and much of his paycheck with his bar buddies, who think he’s a great guy, as do our kids. Meanwhile, I’ve become mean and cranky while earning the money he didn’t bring home and doing all the parenting while he was out. I hid that from the kids, and he always acts like there was nothing wrong with his behavior and that our divorce was just me being mean to an innocent guy. The kids blame me and give my new boyfriend a very hard time, though he’s a great guy who will almost certainly become their stepdad. I don’t want to bad-mouth my ex to the kids but my boyfriend doesn’t deserve this shit and neither do I. My goal is to get the kids to see their father for who he is and stop punishing me and my boyfriend.

My husband and I moved to a new town for his job a few years ago. I thought I found a nice group of friends here, though I never liked the way one of them bosses the rest of us around. I never made an issue of it because I assumed it’s just her way of being overly possessive, but when I refused to accept her advice about how I should renovate my kitchen, she suddenly stopped speaking to me. I thought it would pass, but then our mutual friends stopped answering my calls and I realized I’m no longer welcome in our social circle. It’s just like high school, except worse, and it’s affected my kids, who know their kids. I feel terrible and can’t stop crying. My goal is to find out what is being said about me and try to straighten things out.

Whether lies force you out of your home, get you targeted for investigation, or just alienate family and friends, they hurt like hell and the possible consequences can terrify you. Fortunately, in most cases, these consequences never end up happening to anyone who isn’t in an old Steven Bochco cop drama.

When you’re in the thick of it, though, it’s hard to remember that damage can eventually be limited, friends who believe shit about you are not your friends, and time will probably restore your credibility with the people who matter most—particularly your kids. Patience and persistence do win out, but in the meantime, they require you to know that, regardless of what happens, you believe the truth about yourself. Do not take your misfortune as a personal failure. Do not feel obliged to control what people think about you when it’s clearly impossible.

As wolves, Survivor contestants, and politicians have discovered, attacking your attacker may damage him or her without helping you. It can also stir up a nasty counterattack. Remember, an Asshole can always beat you hands down in a competition of angry sincerity, and again, the more you protest, the guiltier you look. It’s only later, when you have had an opportunity to document facts about who said what and how the money got spent that you will have the advantage.

Instead of attacking or defending, take time to form your own judgment of the allegations against you, even if you don’t know exactly what they are. Putting aside your feelings, ask yourself and those you trust why a good person would find serious fault with your conduct, paying particular attention to your own standards for being a good partner, parent, and friend. Hold yourself to any legal or fiscal standards your lawyer tells you to be aware of. Then judge for yourself whether you’ve done wrong, much as you would judge a friend. For the purposes of this exercise, you’re not supposed to be perfect, just good enough.

Of course, you should also ask yourself whether these lies are truly coming from an Asshole by reviewing what you know about the person who made them up—specifically by assessing how nasty and black-and-white their thinking becomes when they feel threatened or unhappy.

When you’re confident that the problem isn’t you, remind yourself that, though you’re in the eye of a shit storm, your only crime was to have a relationship with an Asshole. Even if you chose that relationship, it’s not a criminal mistake.

Don’t fight back unless it’s in a court, you feel it’s necessary, and you’re likely to win; then get yourself the right help and assemble the tools you’ll need for the long haul. You may never completely undo the social or legal damage, but you can strengthen your ability to believe in your own judgment, fight effectively when you must, and become a far better person than you thought possible; certainly better than the Asshole will ever be.

Quick Diagnosis

Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

✵ To get people to see through the Asshole’s lies

✵ To force the Asshole to acknowledge said lies, and any additional Assholery

✵ To get quick justice, or be certain of getting any justice at all

✵ To know when the shit will stop so at least you can be sure of the nightmare’s end date

✵ To figure out how to recover from the feelings of helplessness ASAP

Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

✵ Learn how to assess and approve your own actions and use that certainty to weather the storm

✵ Prevent your anguish over damaged relationships from damaging them further or destroying your hope of ever having a healthy relationship again

✵ Learn techniques for winning a slander war (mainly through silence)

✵ Find better relationships, using what you learned during wartime

Here’s how you can do it:

✵ Get legal advice on how to defend yourself and your assets (and forget about your good name, at least for a while)

✵ Stop yourself from saying and doing the things you’d most like to say and do, because your instincts, like Assholes in general, are wrong

✵ Use a coach, like a lawyer, shrink, or close friend, to help you respond carefully, positively, and in writing (without any profanity)

✵ Create a paper trail—email, bank records, or credit cards—to document your defense

✵ Respect yourself for what you’re doing, regardless (and because) of the negative response you’ll probably get and the angry, helpless feelings you’ll have to endure

✵ Refuse to be drawn into meaningful talks about feelings that always end badly (see sidebar below)

Your Script

Here’s what to say to an Asshole who is saying bad things about you.

Dear [Asshole Slanderer],

I am writing because I’ve always valued our relationship—it’s always been [pleasant/well-catered/so much better than cancer]. I’ve heard, however, that you feel [hurt/violated/ready to murder my face]. My standards regarding the alleged [child abuse/marital infidelity/disrespect to your homies] are, I believe, the same as yours, so I’ve reviewed my actions closely, looking for ways I might have failed to meet those standards. In the end, I disagree with your opinion, and can only hope that time and more evidence will eventually change your mind. Meanwhile, I will not let disagreement interfere with our ability to work together on [raising the kids/church bake sales/supporting the New England Patriots] and will not bring it up again. Feel free to contact me by email whenever necessary.

Grammar for Asshole Wrangling

Don’t Say

Do Say

I honestly feel …

Great weather, am I right?

Why can’t I get you to see the trouble you’re causing?

I love spending time with you, but if we can’t change the subject I’m going to have to cut this short.

If you can’t change, I’m afraid there’s no point in continuing this conversation.

Get some rest, and then maybe when you feel better, we should grab some lunch.

I want to clear the air …

Isn’t this sweater crazy soft?

I didn’t try to hurt your feelings and I didn’t tell you to leave until after you started yelling.

Past, shmast—let’s focus on the present. I think 3-D movies are stupid. Discuss.

You need to change your behavior.

You are great at finding good restaurants!

Saving Assholes from Their Shit

Although we address the twin evils of helpfulness and saintliness in chapter 4, the wish to save Assholes from themselves is worth special attention. This instinct is on a whole new level of damage and futility, like trying to help put out a fire by filling a hose with gasoline.

What’s truly dangerous about trying to save Assholes from themselves—given your love for their charisma, your affection for some niceness you see trapped in there, and your pity for the suffering they bring on themselves—is that the main trigger to their awfulness is close relationships. The act of helping them isn’t merciful; it’s like poking an angry tiger with a cattle prod.

Yes, Assholes are often victims and deserve kindness in any case; if, as we argue, they can’t help the harm they do, they still don’t deserve blame. You have a duty to protect yourself, however, particularly when you know they’re dangerous and that previous efforts to help have ended badly. There’s no excuse for sentimental kindness when it pushes a knowing adult to take stupid risks.

The worst danger is not that you’ll get hurt—after all, getting hurt is how you learn—but that your involvement will cause permanent harm and compromise other commitments. Here are some cautionary warnings about the risks of being a kind do-gooder when you’re tempted to make an Asshole, aka, a do-badder, the object of your kindness.

How to know when you’re doing too much for an Asshole:

✵ They tell you that you’re the only person they trust, frequently during long, urgent, and ill-timed phone calls

✵ The confidences the Asshole shares remind you of, but are more interesting than, the golden years of Days of Our Lives

✵ Your other friends and family complain that you’re unavailable (as you now double as an Asshole hotline)

✵ Other people are more worried about you and your level of involvement than you are about yourself

Among the wishes people express when they write us or come for treatment are:

✵ To save an Asshole from the past and present abusers who have driven them to your (temporarily) safe harbor

✵ To stop the abusers themselves as if you were the Asshole’s personal Superman

✵ To free an Asshole from an addiction/bad habit by giving him unconditional support that will surely allow him to wean off heroin or alcohol or sex

✵ To show an Asshole there is someone he can really, finally trust. Yikes.

Here are some examples:

I’m trying to help an unusually gifted student whom I’ve mentored since he graduated from my high school English class five years ago. He first came to me for support because he felt the guidance counselor was prejudiced against him, then stayed in close touch, and I like to think my support sustained him through severe depression and a bout of opiate abuse. Recently, he’s been in crisis and is in danger of dropping out of graduate school, so he’s been calling me every night and talking for an hour. I can’t figure out why, but he hints that he’s using drugs again and having flashbacks to being physically abused by his parents. I remember meeting his parents, and they didn’t seem like abusers, but the main thing I believe he needs from me is solid, unconditional acceptance, so I don’t want to say anything that he’ll interpret as critical or unsupportive. My goal is to figure out how to win his trust.

My sister is her own worst enemy when it comes to relationships, and I wish I could help her control herself. When she’s in a good mood, no one is more charismatic and friendly, but when her mood turns sour, which can happen at any time, she tears people apart and drives them away. She won’t talk to our parents and stopped talking to our brother, who used to be her best friend. Her only remaining friends live too far away to be around when she gets mean, which is why they’re still friends. For some reason, she turned to me for comfort after she felt the rest of the family had betrayed her. She’s so tortured, it breaks my heart. My goal is to figure out how to use the trust she gives me to get her to see what she’s doing.

My boyfriend is struggling to make some money and move out of his parents’ home, but the economy is terrible and I understand that it’s been hard for him to get a real job. Also, no one will hire him because he has a conviction for possession when he was eighteen and it shows up whenever an employer does a security check. So it’s hard for me to say no when he asks me to help him carry drugs, because no one would suspect me and the cops are always watching him. All he needs is a little more money, and then he can start his own business and we can build a life together. I don’t mind helping him because it’s really a way of helping both of us, but my mother says I’m going to get into big trouble, and I’ve got a child to take care of. My goal is to figure out how to help him get a fair start in life.

It’s always better to be a person who believes in helping others, because living up to such values is what makes life worthwhile. Besides, it makes you a good person, which is the only legitimate reason for self-esteem. The key to being helpful, however, is knowing when it’s impossible or dangerous. Saving Assholes is usually both.

Before taking on responsibility for someone else’s pain and problems, do a careful risk assessment. It doesn’t require you to be cynical or negative about the person you wish to help, but it does mean gathering and paying attention to facts, regardless of your feelings.

If someone says she’s been abused, for instance, you don’t need to know whether it actually happened. You do need to know whether she can now tolerate the normal lumps and bumps of a relationship without reliving the abuse and getting paranoid about someone who is a not-so-bad friend, like you. If she’s using drugs, you may assume she’s using to self-medicate the pain of loss, anxiety, or depression, but nevertheless, you need to find out whether she can tolerate any pain and frustration without immediately doing whatever makes her feel better.

Get a little paranoid and ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen if this Asshole decides you’re the source of all her pain. It will obviously hurt like hell if she turns against you and bad-mouths you to all your friends, but with an Asshole, nasty gossip is only the tip of the iceberg. She’s totally capable of reporting you to the authorities, be it for sexual abuse you did not commit or something illegal she involved you with. You’ve heard from her how many horrible things people have done to her in her crazy life; don’t doubt for a second that, if you disappoint her, she’ll see you as one of those people, deserving of the same treatment.

Don’t lose your willingness to help the abused and downtrodden, but don’t forget that some downtrodden people are, through no fault of their own, dangerous. If you don’t carry out proper screening procedures, the damage can be disastrous, the fault is all yours, and when it comes to blowback, the sky’s the limit with Assholes.

Quick Diagnosis

Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

✵ To win the trust of someone who trusts no one

✵ To turn hate into love by giving love yourself

✵ To fill the emptiness in someone else’s heart

Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

✵ Remain helpful while learning to protect yourself from the needy-but-potentially-nuclear

✵ Identify and help those who can actually use your help

✵ If you desperately need to help something, get a rescued pet, preferably one missing an eye or leg

Here’s how you can do it:

✵ Do your due diligence on all those past “abusers”—don’t assume they were all idiots, bad guys, or not as loving, sympathetic, or temporarily ignorant about due diligence as you

✵ Don’t comfort someone’s pain before you find out what he did and does when he’s in pain, and whether it involves inflicting pain on others

✵ Keep your commitments to your old, unsexy obligations, including those to yourself and your family

✵ Avoid people who do bad things when they’re in pain and don’t expect themselves to stop unless they feel better

Your Script

Here’s what to say to an Asshole who wants help (but isn’t ready to stop being an Asshole).

Dear [Asshole-in-Need],

I sympathize with your mistreatment and your belief that it’s caused you to [abuse drugs/bite your nails/get dolphin tattoos]. I wish I could help, but I can’t see how anything I could offer could be helpful. If you ever get to the point where you don’t feel the need to [abuse drugs/blow up at people/post racist comments on YouTube], I may be able to be helpful, but right now I just don’t see anything I could do as a [friend/therapist/not-drug dealer]. I’m rooting for you and I hope you’ll get there.

Grammar for Defending Yourself against False Accusations of Bad Behavior

Don’t Say

Do Say

That’s not what happened!

Thanks for sharing that.

I can tell you what happened.

I’m going to think about that later.

You’re wrong, you fucking jerk.

Friend, I’ve given it careful thought, and …

I want an apology right fucking now.

I’m afraid I’ll have to disagree. Anyway.

I hope that cleared the air.

Agree to disagree? Great.

I’d like us to be able to communicate!

Next topic—do you watch Suits? I know it’s on USA, but I swear, it’s good stuff!

Living and Working with Inescapable Assholes

To paraphrase the old saying, opinions are like Assholes; everyone’s got at least one really unbearable one in their house or office (or pants, at least depending on your hot sauce intake) and they usually stink. When an Asshole’s behavior is out of control in what should be a quiet, controlled environment, it’s often because whoever has leadership responsibility in the organization doesn’t know how to use it. She’s the one who is supposed to tell everyone else to keep their opinions/Asshole behavior to themselves.

Unfortunately, not even the strongest leadership can stop an Asshole from being an Asshole, but it can often limit the damage. By either firing or otherwise constraining an Asshole at work or by setting limits on his behavior at home he can be neutralized. If, without having the necessary authority, you try to limit an Asshole’s bad behavior, you may run into trouble and catch flak instead of gratitude. It’s important to ask yourself why those who should be managing an Asshole’s bad behavior aren’t doing it, especially before you try doing something about it yourself.

It’s natural to ask your boss or parent to protect you and limit the damage if an Asshole is messing up your work, belongings, head, etc. If the authorities don’t have the strength and just want everyone to get along, however, they may well make you responsible for smoothing things over and stopping the bad behavior. They’ll tell you that since you’re more reasonable, they expect you to solve the problem. If you argue and imply the responsibility is theirs, you’re also implying that they’re doing a bad job (which they are, but bosses and parents are rarely keen on that kind of critique).

If you feel too responsible for the well-being of your workplace or family to suck it up, and instead try to clean it up, there’s no way out of a vicious cycle. The more you try to change bad behavior when you don’t have authority, the more everyone will wind up against you. Don’t accept the idea that you need to make your family or workplace better when it’s really impossible.

Instead, do your job and look for a new one while figuring out ways to stay polite and tune out the Asshole. Give yourself credit for working in a sewer and use what you know about Assholes to find a better job with a good boss who’s a better Asshole slayer.

How to know when an Asshole at home or work should be left alone:

✵ The Asshole has the same last name as the boss

✵ Your boss or parent wears a T-shirt saying “I’m EVER so nice and harmless!”

✵ Raising issues gets you sympathy for your feelings and jack shit in terms of action

✵ Conflict gets you treated as if you used your power to release the Asshole, Kraken-style

Among the wishes people express when they write us or come for treatment are:

✵ To stop the Asshole at home or work from making them miserable

✵ To understand why no one does anything about said Asshole despite her obvious jerkiness

✵ To figure out why speaking up about said Asshole causes nothing but trouble

✵ To get the powers that be to understand what said Asshole is actually doing—namely, something wrong

Here are some examples:

My sister and I never got along, and I’d like to say that we’re fine now that we’re in our twenties and living at home out of economic necessity, but it’s gotten even worse. She’s a weird person who doesn’t really get along with anyone, and she has nothing better to do than to make sarcastic comments about me from the time I arrive home from work to the time I go to my bedroom to hide from her. When I complain to my parents, they tell me she’s different and if I don’t like it, I should find my own place. I don’t yet have the money though because I’m paying them what I can every month for rent, but what my sister says to me is really awful. My goal is not to have to flee to my room every night when I’m really doing my best to get ahead and be a good, responsible person.

This guy at work is stupid and lazy, but he’s good at joking with our male boss and the other guys on the team, so he gets away with murder. Meanwhile, he’s dismissive with me and the other women on the team and has a way of passing the buck, losing what we give him, and then blaming our hormones if we complain. I like the job, but I’m afraid that complaining to our boss will seem petty and disloyal. I’ve tried telling this guy that I’m unhappy with his work and attitude, but he just makes excuses and tells me I’m not good at getting along. I don’t want to be silent just because the boys don’t respect what I’m saying. My goal is to figure out how to make this work.

My boss is downright abusive and my performance review was a joke, and I’m not the only person who feels that way, but going to HR about him has gotten me nowhere. I tried speaking to the big boss, who was very pleasant and said he’d look into it, but afterward nothing happened. Then my performance review got even pickier and I have the feeling they’re trying to document me out. There’s a nasty atmosphere, and it’s really my boss’s fault. I don’t understand how he can get away with it. My goal is just to be left alone to do my job.

You’re right to expect management to do something to stop Assholes from behaving like Assholes within your family or business organization. You’re right to talk to management about the problem after making sure you’ve got your facts straight and don’t sound too vindictive or emotional. Before you act, however, you should look around and wonder why no one has objected to the bad behavior before.

Unfortunately, the usual answer is that there’s something wrong with the parent, boss, and others who tolerate bad behavior without stopping it. They may be far more likable than the Asshole, but they’re the bigger problem and you’re not going to get anywhere.

Don’t keep on fighting. You’ll just get more entrenched in a place you need to leave and a struggle you can’t win. Use every tool you can think of to detach yourself from caring without compromising your principles. Keep on being polite, doing your job, and living up to your responsibilities, but start to cool your connection to this social or work world while heating up your search for the next one. Remember, your prime responsibility is to meet your own standards as an individual, not to save the family or team from itself.

An Asshole is like a managerial stress test; you can tell how solid the leadership is by how they deal with his bad behavior. The longer it’s been going on and the more outrageous it is, the worse the weakness at the top.

If an Asshole is accustomed to getting away with bad behavior at your workplace, he may cross a line and do something nefarious. You can document it and use it for leverage. Don’t expect it to happen, but be ready if it does. Seek out advice or do research that tells you where the line is and what your rights are if it’s crossed. Remember, though, your goal isn’t to get revenge or express your anger. As good as that would feel, your goal is to get what you think is right, if the fight is worthwhile and winnable.

Don’t get distracted by Assholes and their bad behavior in your home or workplace. Look instead at how they’re dealt with by the powers that be and decide what you need to do to protect yourself and find a better place to live and work.

Quick Diagnosis

Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

✵ To be treated fairly and protected from bullying by the boss

✵ To see people who behave badly treated fairly, as the Bill of Rights dictates

✵ To be heard and understood when you have a legitimate complaint

✵ To be recognized for hard work and dedication, and not with a golden trophy or anything, just the basics

Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

✵ Become invisible and hope the Asshole picks on someone else, hopefully someone who actually has the leverage to get him axed

✵ Shift your office, partition, bedroom, career, etc., and get a white noise machine and a DVD on meditation

✵ Get permission to work at home so you can get your job (and new job search) done in peace

✵ Learn how to spot Assholes and ineffective bosses when you interview for a job or go on a date

Here’s how you can do it:

✵ When you’re sure that talking gets you nowhere, shut up

✵ Don’t complain about the Asshole, nice-guy boss, or work because, as cathartic as the temporary venting feels, it just makes them more important

✵ Don’t threaten the Asshole or your boss/parent with criticism; chat with them about the weather or Greek yogurt

✵ Comfort yourself by doing a good job search or finding a good orphanage to grow up in

Your Script

Here’s what to say to a boss or family member “in charge of” an Asshole who is making your life shit.

Dear [Nice-Guy Boss/Parent],

Thanks for listening to my concerns the other day. I really appreciate your [taking the time to listen/smart ideas/ability to fart so silently]. I now have a much better idea of how to respond to disagreements about [your job description/alleged bad behavior/my job performance (which is excellent)]. I now have an action plan that will include [being a dedicated part of the team/hearing my co-workers out/doing all the stuff I’m already doing because I’m fucking good at my job]. I am optimistic that these measures will be helpful and effective. [Subconsciously implied: you are bad at your job. But don’t insert that.]

Never expect to untangle your feelings about Assholes or whatever about them that ties you in knots. It will just get worse. If you try to “make things right,” you will find yourself turning into an Asshole, driven to seek revenge, closure, and justice, instead of hanging on to your original goals and your original personality. You have a right to feel pain, injustice, and unfairness when Assholes collide with your life, but your goal is to keep going down the road that is most meaningful to you using whatever equipment still works. The more you can strengthen your personal philosophy and see meaning in the good things you do, the better. The Asshole will find a new source of blame. Focus on finding your old purpose, sticking to it, and riding out the shit storm.