F*ck Feelings: One Shrink's Practical Advice for Managing All Life's Impossible Problems (2015)

chapter seven

fuck communication

Even though it’s incredibly easy to communicate almost anything to anyone—via text, bumper sticker, or middle finger—most people wish they could communicate better. Turns out it’s much easier to tell someone via your shirt that you got naked in Miami Beach than to use words to explain why you’re frustrated in your marriage.

Many people believe communication is the key to encouraging intimacy, straightening out misunderstandings, ending conflicts, and basically achieving everything short of cold fusion. They think that if you want a better relationship, job, or life, then you need to communicate better; that’s why people go to college to major in it and see shrinks or business consultants when they feel they can’t do it.

Unfortunately, however, many problems do not, in actuality, represent a failure to communicate. Rather, they arise from differences in character, culture, or values, and communicating these differences is a bad way to bridge gaps and a good way to cause disagreements. If you’re doing a good job of being diplomatically persuasive and still find you’re getting nowhere, then you may not need to become a better communicator; you may need to find something better to talk about.

If you can’t get through to someone, take time to figure out why communication isn’t working, because maybe it just can’t and, more important, really shouldn’t. Communicating may do more harm than good when what you’re trying to communicate is perhaps best not shared in the first place. In the end, knowing that your communication abilities are limited is essential if you are to know when to shut up, leave things alone, and console yourself that you’re not responsible for whatever happens next.

The potential for communication may seem infinite, but if you find yourself incapable of communicating something more complicated than what can be expressed via a text or tweet, then you may have to accept that sometimes, communication is not possible. Even then, it’s not the end of the world, just the end of that particular conversation.

Nurturing Closeness

Any relationship guru worth his or her Internet certification will tell you that you cannot have love without communication. In some ways, that’s true; opening up to a new partner is a big part of falling for them, and so much importance is attached to communicating the words “I love you” that you’d think somebody was getting royalties.

Communication may be a key part of a relationship, but that doesn’t make it a cure-all. Sure, being shut out of someone’s feelings or thoughts can feel like you’re no longer close or important to them. That leads to trying to fix the situation by talking … about why you don’t talk anymore. Which can often lead to yelling about how annoyed you both are.

Then you find yourself going to a couples therapist, so that one person can find out why the other person isn’t close and at least feel closer by hearing her share with the therapist what she won’t say otherwise. The problem is that most of that stuff went unsaid because it was unpleasant, mean, or unconstructive enough that it never should have been said out loud.

So while communication is important, you can have too much of it. Cheese is the main building block of pizza, but if you push the balance too far, you’ll either ruin the pie or destroy your health.

If you try to fix a broken relationship with communication—stuff the crust with it, as it were—you may just do more damage, especially if you’re in a relationship with someone who isn’t much of a talker, is poor at describing his feelings, or has those fun feelings that are best left unexpressed.

Closeness also cannot be forced, particularly when people are familiar with one another. A couple may feel close without being able to talk to each other, or may never be able to feel close in spite of lots of talk, but short of cramming themselves into a small space, they can’t will closeness into being.

So accept the fact that there’s much about communication and closeness that you can’t and don’t control and don’t rate the success of your relationship by how you’re performing in those areas.

Then be proud of your ability to make the most of a relationship, and accept its limits, even when they prevent you from feeling close or sharing what you’re thinking and feeling, whether it’s love, hate, or anything in between.

Here are communication tools you wish could make your relationships closer, but don’t:

✵ A translator you can hire to turn your words into the language of your listener, carrying your meaning but leaving out the irritated, insulting bits

✵ Charisma that makes someone trust you and want to talk with you, even after you’ve lived together and shared the same sink and toilet for five years

✵ An answer to the question “Why can’t we just get along?”

✵ A human shock-collar that monitors what you’re saying and shocks you whenever you should just be blandly agreeable or silent

Among the wishes people express are:

✵ To get through a wall of silence

✵ To open up oneself or others

✵ To find words for reducing loneliness or conflict

✵ To create trust and teamwork

✵ To say what will make others happy

Here are three examples:

My wife says I never talk to her, but I’m just not a big talker, period. I like to talk about sports and business, I guess, but they aren’t her interests, and I don’t know much about most of her interests, so when she talks about them, I don’t have anything to say. She says I keep things in, and that I’m not interested in what she has to say about important things, like her friends and the kids. It leaves her feeling alone and resentful, so she never feels like having sex. My goal is to figure out a way to communicate better so she’ll feel closer and our marriage, and sex life, will get back on track.

My son and I have always been close, particularly since he was four and his father divorced me and went to live in another city. He loved to tell me everything that was going on and spend time together, until suddenly, a few months ago, he clammed up. He’s a good kid, still doing well in school, and I’ve got no problems with his friends, but he has stopped confiding in me; he answers every question with a one-syllable response and spends most of his time in his room. When pressed, he says there’s nothing wrong and that I’m being too sensitive, but I think he’s going through puberty and doesn’t want to talk to me because I’m his mother. I know if I push him I’ll make it worse, but I guess I just miss what we had. My goal is not to lose the wonderful closeness we’ve had as mother and son.

I think I’m a good boss and like to run a happy office, but the five people who work for me just don’t seem to enjoy one another’s company. They’re all competent and hardworking and seem to like what they do here, and there’s not a lot of conflict, but there’s also very little team spirit, which can create a really strange and unpleasant office environment. I’m thinking of hiring a psychologist who will put them through a ropes course or something that gets them to loosen up and get to know one another. My goal is to create some closeness and better communication.

Sharing thoughts and feelings with someone is always a delicate business; you have to be comfortable enough with a person in order to be honest and open, but you also have to know that person well enough to judge when it’s time to shut your mouth and listen instead.

For some couples, the perfect amount of communication is the occasional grunt or sigh in front of the TV, while others enjoy a full monologue detailing the minutiae of an appetizer. Everybody’s needs are different, and as with hair color or sexual preference, one’s ability to share and tolerance for listening are solid parts of who we are.

If despite the complications, you can achieve that communicative balance, it should feel good and satisfy your need for companionship and contact. If you can’t, or just can’t anymore, it will feel like a problem in need of fixing, and trying to fix any problem that involves uncontrollable, quasi-genetic factors is like embarking on a conflict in the Middle East: endless, bloody, and ultimately futile.

Regardless of how good it would feel to be able to communicate, or how bad it feels not to, don’t try to force communication until you’ve assessed whether it’s possible and if not, why not.

If someone wants you to open up and you’re not a talker, don’t assume that talking is the only way to express affection or commitment. Lots of people—mainly men—express positive feelings by showing up and fixing the sink or roof. For many men, their primary means of communication is not their voice but their feet and power drill.

It’s useless to start believing you should be more of a talker when you’re not, because you’ll just get more depressed and irritable as you feel increasingly responsible for your talk-deprived partner’s unhappiness. Yes, you might benefit from good Mars/Venus advice from a therapist, but at a certain point, if your quiet friendliness isn’t enough, you must ask yourself whether you’re being a good enough partner, after your own fashion.

Your partner must have known you weren’t a talker, given your history of near chatlessness, so if she thought she could change you, that’s her problem, not yours. Instead of apologizing or getting defensive, remind her of the good things you bring to your relationship, other than chattiness. Tell her she can take it or leave it, but you hope she’ll take it, and then don’t worry about telling her too much else.

It can be even more frustrating to endure silence in a longstanding, close relationship with your child when you not only miss the intimacy but rely on it to feel you’re doing a good job as a parent. When your child clams up, you have less information to tell you whether he is happy, in trouble, or doing the right thing. Of course, prying just makes the information blackout worse and induces enmity and defiance that may not have been there in the first place.

Instead of getting spooked by the loss of closeness, assume that it may be resulting from normal growth and development and a teenager’s need for privacy. Now that easy communication no longer tells you how things are going, gather information from teachers and your own careful observations of schedules, homework, and friendships. With a little work, you’ll determine whether things are still going well, or whether silence represents depression or school problems.

In any case, don’t get discouraged by the loss of closeness or believe that you’re a bad parent when your child gets quieter. Indeed, it takes a particularly good parent to stay on task and manage your child’s growth while ignoring and hiding how sad you feel without the old intimacy.

You may not expect to have the same level of comfort and intimacy in the workplace that you have at home, but team spirit among employees also seems desirable and likely to improve morale and profit. In spite of what the business journals and consultants say, however, the problems with team building are often not remediable.

Some people do their job well but are not much fun to have on a team, and some bosses are Assholes (see chapter 9), but they’re the boss and aren’t going anywhere. If you like and enjoy the company of your coworkers, you’re lucky; if you don’t, cash your paycheck and make friends in a bowling league.

Before closing your office and blowing a bundle on a team-building retreat and spa weekend, ask yourself how people are likely to respond if they start saying what they really think. Don’t accept reassurance from HR or a presiding psychologist—they don’t have magical protective powers—just rely on your experience and common sense.

You may look like a great manager if your team whistles while they work, but you’re an even greater manager if they’re not whistlers and still show up on time and get the work done.

Although talking may help you get close, it isn’t the only way to get close, and it can’t be used to create intimacy that isn’t already there. Before trying to improve communication, ask yourself whether more closeness is possible and whether talking will actually help.

Remember, good communication doesn’t produce miracles of intimacy and good will; it respects limits, avoids trouble, and keeps a fragile peace.

Quick Diagnosis

Here’s what you wish for and can’t (always) have:

✵ Feel closer to someone you love

✵ Know better what someone is really thinking

✵ Hear the words you need to hear

✵ Feel free to speak your mind

Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

✵ Know the limits of speech and intimacy in any relationship

✵ Not force anyone to be more verbal than they are

✵ Shut up when silence is best

✵ Not put additional strain on a relationship characterized by limited communication

Here’s how you can do it:

✵ Rate a person’s ability to communicate feelings objectively, before you start taking it personally

✵ Expand your own ability to read and send out nonverbal messages

✵ Learn to measure commitment and achievement through actions, not words

✵ Assess your ability to tolerate silence without becoming negative

✵ Think about what happened the last time you expressed your feelings before you do it again

Your Script

Here’s what to tell someone/yourself when you can’t find words that will bring you closer.

Dear [Self/Person Whom I Can’t Communicate With/Yes, You—Are You Even Listening to Me?],

Given the need for us to [live/work/do homework/get naked/raise kids] together, I wish we could communicate better. I know, however, that you never talk about [feelings/relationships/sex/my friend Janet/America’s foreign policy], so there’s no reason for me to think I’m doing something wrong. I have also noticed that forcing you to talk often causes [synonym for “not talking”]. I will accept whatever prevents us from talking and respect what we’re able to accomplish anyway.

Communication No-Nos, Explained

Airing Trauma

Enduring the effects of trauma is extremely difficult, but it is almost as difficult to have to watch someone you care about suffering through trauma’s aftermath. As he thrashes through nightmares, anxiously paces through his days, and struggles with negative thoughts, those close to him can only do their best and bear witness. The traumatized are haunted by past events, while in the present, their loved ones now feel as useless as ghosts.

Intuitively, one might feel that sharing fears and nightmares would provide some relief—expose the real ghosts to daylight and they should disappear—but the symptoms of trauma are often hard to soothe, and the memories that cause them don’t vanish so easily.

Trauma probably has such lasting effects because our brains adapt to overwhelming stress by turning us into super-alert, always-on-guard soldiers, so that we won’t be taken by surprise a second time. The symptoms are a torment, but they also save the lives of those who can’t leave a dangerous war zone. Unfortunately, for many people, there’s no off switch once the war is over.

That’s why just sharing intense feelings does not necessarily purge them, no matter what movies and books tell you. Often, it leaves people feeling more shaken and helpless than before, even when friends or therapists are there to offer support. So don’t push someone who has been traumatized to tell their story until you’re sure they can do so without feeling overwhelmed and that it’s more likely to do good than harm.

In the end, there may be no way to get certain kinds of trauma off your chest, be it by sharing, deep hypnosis, or textbook revenge scenarios. Certain treatments may help reduce symptoms and other treatments may help you live with them, but there is no literal or figurative sure-thing trauma eraser.

If you suffer from trauma and symptoms persist, never assume it’s because you failed to open up or that you need to open up more. Credit your nervous system with having a very active emergency alarm while discounting the negative, dreadful warnings and dire predictions it puts in your mind. Respect your ability to disregard those warnings, predictions, and symptoms while you go about whatever business matters to you when you’re not coping with emergencies.

You may never be able to turn the system off, either by sharing or coaxing someone else to share what the trauma feels like. You can learn, however, to listen to your own needs, interests, and priorities, either in spite of the anxiety you now have to experience or the pain you have to witness.

Here’s what you wish you could find to stop feeling haunted by trauma:

✵ Earplugs, but for your thoughts

✵ A white noise machine that induces night-long comas

✵ A therapy that makes you feel so safe, it’s like a mental airbag

✵ A visit from Mr. Rogers (though the fact that he’s dead would make that traumatic)

Among the wishes trauma survivors express are:

✵ To sleep before insomnia drives them crazy

✵ To recover from pain an enemy has inflicted on them

✵ To feel better so they don’t have to drink

✵ To not frighten their families with their unhappiness and silence

Here are three examples:

I’ve dealt with depression since junior high—I used to cut myself when I was a teenager, and had to be hospitalized for a while in college—but therapy and medication have helped me to live a relatively normal, happy life. My husband knows about my history, but until a couple of years ago, I didn’t tell him that one major source of trauma was being molested by my stepfather when I was a kid. He was very supportive until a year ago, when I went through a bad six-months-long depression, and he started to nag me about how I obviously needed more, intensive therapy, because I clearly hadn’t really faced my old demons. I needed to get over a nasty depression, is all, and I resented the idea that he was blaming me for avoiding issues and treatment. He won’t let it go. My goal is to get him to accept that I don’t need to talk it over with someone right now, or maybe ever again.

My husband hasn’t been the same since he got back from his last tour of duty in Afghanistan, but he won’t talk about it. He has nightmares, he’s depressed, and he’s very jumpy when we’re around crowds. He says he knows he probably has PTSD, but he talks about it with a couple close friends he served with who go to therapy, and he thinks that helps probably as much as anything else since nothing really seems to work for the guys he knows. I just think he doesn’t want to deal with the stigma, wait to see a shrink, or start taking a lot of drugs, which is how the VA seems to handle the problem. In the meantime, he’s just suffering, and I know he’d feel better if he could talk about it. I try to get him to open up with me, especially during episodes, but he gets irritated when I push him and then completely shuts down. My goal is to see him talk things out with a professional and get some relief.

My teenage son has never found school easy, but he was a pretty happy kid until a year ago, when he started hanging out with some bad kids and coming home drunk and stoned. He’s irritable and unhappy most of the time and gets really angry if my wife and I confront him or just ask if something’s wrong. He’s just not the same, but we can’t get him to talk about what’s bothering him or go see a shrink, so we feel helpless and say nothing until we’re ready to explode, which we know will do no good. My goal is to figure out how to get him to talk about what’s really bothering him, either with me or a shrink, so he can start to get better.

Don’t trust the instinct that tells you that the worse the problem, the more talk it needs; sometimes talk is healing, but a lot of the time it has the opposite effect, picking scabs off psychic wounds that would’ve been best left untouched.

People recover from trauma in their own ways, and while talking may be the best way for you, it may leave the other person raw. Worse, it may leave them infected, so that their trauma now envelops and defines them, making normal life even more difficult.

Instead, use your experience and common sense to examine whether important issues have been talked out, if the effect was positive or negative, and if more words are really what’s needed. Then you’ll know when enough is enough, and further exploration of feelings is likely to be useless, costly, or actually make things worse. When you know you’ve done as much talking as will help, prepare yourself and your support team for the next step.

If you’ve suffered childhood trauma, there will always be people who can’t believe you can overcome the problem until you’ve had a major cathartic experience, first in therapy and then in court, and transformed yourself from victim to avenger. In their fantasies, your empowerment should put an end to the helplessness of depression. In reality, it’s not that simple.

Many abused people continue to experience depressions, which aren’t necessarily crippling, long, or resistant to symptomatic management, but also don’t go away after a good talk with a great therapist or loving spouse. Their recurrent or persistent symptoms aren’t evidence of a failure to share or communicate, just of bad luck and a bad illness.

You’ll speak with great confidence if you don’t try to persuade anyone other than yourself. Simply announce to your significant other that you’ve benefited a lot from talking in treatment and from your close, valuable relationship, but have come to accept the fact that, like most people who experience severe depression, you’ll have recurrences no matter what.

In the meantime, take good care of yourself to reduce the risk of relapse, manage symptoms when they arise, and ignore them and go about your business whenever possible. Then you can be proud of the way you keep working, parenting, and seeing friends when you’re not feeling well.

Don’t let anyone say differently without letting them know you disagree. If they can accept that there’s no “getting better,” they’ll be better about accepting your illness.

If you’re close to someone who suffers from PTSD, it’s hard to bear their pain and silence, particularly if you’re sensitive and need a close conversation. Then your willingness to listen makes their silence seem stubborn and self-defeating. When you know that they’ve educated themselves about treatment and tried whatever they thought would work, however, don’t assume that persistent symptoms mean they haven’t shared enough.

Yes, your closeness and sensitivity force you to share in their pain and maybe experience it more than they do, but that’s part of the marriage package. If you really can’t bear to witness your spouse’s illness, ask yourself whether the entire package is worth it.

If it is, learn to ignore your spouse’s pain when there’s nothing you can do about it; if your relationship is then too silent, spend more time on the phone or with the dog. Remind yourself repeatedly that it’s not personal, you have a right to feel lonely, and you’re doing a good job of putting up with it, even if your spouse isn’t.

If you think that talk will help you figure out what’s wrong with someone who has started drinking and drugging, your good intentions will be foiled by unrealistic expectations. Trauma may have started it, but once someone has developed bad habits and addiction, talking about the source of trauma doesn’t make the addiction go away. The problem has morphed, and so must your approach.

That’s because it’s hard to stop bad habits for avoiding pain once they’ve started, regardless of how much insight someone has into why he’s doing it and how much support he receives from people who love him. There’s nothing wrong with trying to have a good talk, but be prepared to discover that talk is nothing but a distraction and excuse for delay until he decides to stop the bad ways of getting relief.

Talking about his trauma, and other therapies, will help after someone gets clean and sober, but they won’t make sobriety happen. If his addiction stems from self-medication for trauma, he must decide whether he’s ready to get sober in spite of the additional PTSD symptoms he may have to experience as a result. If he decides it’s worthwhile, then he’s ready to begin.

Don’t accept the wishful thinking that symptoms of trauma can be cleared up with enough sharing; deep psychic damage is not as easy to get rid of as athlete’s foot. If you or your loved one is well informed about treatment and you’re sure that talk therapy and openness have been given a good try, accept the fact that, whatever their benefit, they’re not a cure. Now it’s time to learn how to live with and manage symptoms and curb addiction for an indefinite period so the wound can heal.

Quick Diagnosis

Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

✵ Healing through sharing

✵ Confidence that the right words can help you control your symptoms

✵ To be able to feel close, regardless of symptoms

✵ Friends and partners who will always tolerate your symptoms as well as you do

Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

✵ Know your own response to sharing feelings, both when you’re symptomatic and not

✵ Communicate what you think is necessary and helpful, only when you think it will do some good

✵ Accept that some symptoms are permanent and impersonal

Here’s how you can do it:

✵ Try different talk therapies, including those that encourage you to share how you feel and those that encourage you to stay calm while you review what happened and evaluate your actual options

✵ Watch what happens when you share too much

✵ Work and engage with friends and family despite all but the most severe symptoms

✵ Let people know your silence doesn’t mean you’re angry or disapproving, just having some symptoms

✵ Select friends who can tolerate your symptoms and their effect on your ability to talk and have fun

Your Script

Here’s what to tell someone/yourself when you’re unable to talk because of trauma symptoms.

Dear [Self/Person Who Can’t Stand It When I Get Grim and Silent],

I often wonder what I did wrong when I find myself getting [shaky/scared/completely disconnected from the world around me] for no reason and remember the horrible [event/person/Middle Eastern conflict] that spooked me in the first place. Since then, however, I’ve become expert at [meditation/self-hypnosis/exposure therapy/skydiving] while still maintaining my [business/family of six/bluegrass band], so I haven’t let my symptoms stop me, even if I had to grit my teeth and [synonym for “nearly soil myself”]. That’s what I’m proud of.

Did You Know … How to Communicate in Asperger-ese?

Of all the natural obstacles that get in the way of basic communication—differences in age, culture, gender, etc.—one of the toughest (and increasingly common) to both overcome and understand is the autistic mind. Asperger’s syndrome may no longer be in the DSM, but it’s still a shorthand label for someone who functions at a very high level, often with above-average intellectual skills, but who is socially impaired, mostly due to below-average abilities to recognize and respond to emotions and thus engage in the most basic “hi, how are you”-style conversation.

That doesn’t mean a person with Asperger’s is robotic and Spock-like—he can have lots of feelings and can be strongly attached to other people—but at any given moment he may have more intense feelings about finishing whatever task it is he’s doing, or not being forced to change his habits or routines.

So you may think he doesn’t care about you because he’s too busy solving a problem or watching TV to look up, smile, and remember you were supposed to go out to dinner. In reality, he may care a lot, but his brain won’t let go of what it’s doing and will snarl if you pull it away. Then, if you talk about your hurt feelings, his brain is truly in turmoil and communication is over.

If you look for it, you’ll find evidence of personal caring, but if you need to talk and break his superfocus, you’ll feel hurt, insulted, and disregarded. In other words, it’s easy to speak Asperger if you don’t have immediate emotional needs or are very good at delaying them while gentling someone out of an obsessive preoccupation.

A good introduction to conversational Asperger-ese is to talk about what he’s interested in (e.g., the program or bridge he’s building, the game he’s playing, etc.) and the frustration that goes with having to stop and eat, sleep, or pee. If you have a more complicated topic in mind (e.g., how his day went or if he wants to see a movie tomorrow), try to schedule it for a time he’s less occupied, like right before bed, over dinner, or while he’s peeing. If you can wait for his attention, he will be happy to give it.

As long as you share some genuine interests, respect each other’s space, and stay away from gossip, emotional confrontation, and discussions about how hurt he’s (inadvertently) made you feel, there’s much to talk about and genuine friendship to be formed. You just have to remember the key elements of the language to get the conversation started.

Venting Anger

We often talk about anger as if it’s a volatile chemical that must be vented from the human body, lest the angry individual combust like a tanker full of gas, a water balloon, or a Spinal Tap drummer. We convince ourselves it’s either talk or explode, when in reality, they’re often the same thing.

Talk often just triggers an explosion, or vice versa; after a verbal burst, we end up looking for better words and/or the services of a therapist, referee, or diplomat who can keep the destructiveness in check while the anger gets talked out.

Meanwhile, we assume that it’s unhealthy to stay angry and advise couples to talk out their problems before they go to sleep, which often means they fight even more because they’re tired and cranky, fall asleep exhausted, and wake up even more irritable.

Unfortunately, there’s no resolution to many of the problems that make people angry, like having a temper, or an unavoidable relationship with an Asshole (see chapter 9), or a spouse who has a disgusting way of sipping her soup.

Frequently, the only thing we’re able to vent, in all honesty, is that we want someone to change in a way she can’t and won’t, which is a good, reliable way to trigger an explosion. So being angry and looking for a way to communicate may be a bad idea.

Before venting, ask yourself whether there is, indeed, any hope that communication can be helpful. Then be prepared for the possibility that the answer will be negative, and sharing feelings will do nothing but stir up a shit storm.

If you’re angry and need to keep your mouth shut, don’t despair. Once you stop thinking about what you want to say, you can invent easier ways to bear your burden, while also saving money on therapists and mediators.

Don’t think of noncommunication as failure. Remember, no matter what the common wisdom on venting is, nobody’s ever died from bottling up their anger, but plenty people have died, usually violently, from letting their anger out.

Here is what communicating your anger should provide, but won’t:

✵ Instant persuasion of the target of your anger to reform, followed by a parade in your honor

✵ Insight into the other person’s point of view so you don’t hate or want to punch him so very much

✵ A deep sense of relief and Zen-like calm after each tantrum, like an anger orgasm, with no repercussions

Among the wishes people express are:

✵ To be able to express criticism and unhappiness without triggering a fight

✵ To feel less hate for someone they have to live or work with

✵ To have their feelings respected or validated

✵ To get something off their chest

Here are three examples:

I’ve got to say something to my father before I explode. I’ve been angry at him for years for the way he abused my mother and me when I was growing up. He’s been pretty well-behaved since he got sober ten years ago, so I’ve respected my mother’s wishes to be civil, put the past behind us, and keep the family together. Even if I’m keeping my mouth shut, however, I still can’t stand being around him, and I don’t want to be in a family that includes that asshole. I know that he deserves to hear what I have to say, and I deserve some relief before I go nuts and just leap up and kill him. My goal is to let him know how I feel, so I don’t have to keep that anger in all the time.

My husband and I have been bickering a lot lately, over a lot of issues, like I want him to spend more time at home and he wants me to criticize him less. It seems like the fights never get resolved, and maybe there are bigger problems that aren’t being addressed because we can’t sit down and figure out what they are. I want him to come with me to see a family therapist so we can have it out in front of a referee, get to the bottom of things, and put our fighting behind us, but he says the therapist will just take my side. My goal is to find a way that we can let out our anger safely, and then maybe we can get along better.

For my first five years at this company, I put up with my racist boss because I needed the job, was young, and didn’t want to be “the angry negro,” which would have ruined my career. Time passed, I worked hard and got promoted to another division despite him, and now I have a family and a job I love. When I look at my daughter, however, I regret that I didn’t take a stand; I get mad at myself for being a bad role model for her and not making her world a better place. I don’t think it’s right to let injustice like that slide, nor do I think it’s healthy to let someone make you angry, day after day, and not let it out. My goal is to be brave and let my old boss know how I feel before rage and regret eat me up inside.

Fear might be unpleasant and often unnecessary, but not every impulse it inspires should automatically be ignored; that Y2K bunker was probably a bad idea, but the concern that convinces you to keep your anger bottled up is usually justified. So before you decide to be courageous or foolish, ask yourself what’s likely to happen before letting someone have it with what you really think.

Instead of assuming you’ve got to make yourself understood or air your feelings, determine whether it’s possible to do so without creating a nasty scene and adding to grievances all around. Consult friends if necessary.

If the person you can’t stop hating is a flawed parent, ask yourself what you want from him, given his failures. You usually won’t get an apology and you can’t change the past.

In most cases, he’ll respond with blame, evasion, or blank denial, which will just make you angrier while magnifying your vulnerable bond to someone whose influence on your life you’d like to diminish. Unfortunately, true Assholes can’t help themselves, and there’s nothing to stop them from having sex and kids.

Don’t bother to forgive your Asshole parent, because it’s pointless to forgive someone who never had a choice. Accepting an Asshole is part of accepting what’s unfair about life and the baggage of your own personality, including a piece of it that may share your parent’s temper.

So instead of trying to get a nasty parent to see what he did wrong, start thinking about the good things that you and your other parent did to help you survive. Take pride in your ability to keep your mouth shut for the sake of family stability. Use your adult authority and experience to exercise your right to keep conversations politely short and exit them at will. Like venting, any extra attention given to an Asshole parent is a waste of your time.

If the anger you wish to ease is the kind that fuels low-grade marital bickering, it may not help to focus on what you’re really angry at or to get your spouse to see how annoying he is. As we’ve said many times on the F*ck Feelings website, the sort of venting that goes on in couples therapy is a lot like the venting of intestinal gas; it provides immediate relief for the venter, but soon poisons the air for everyone in the fallout zone.

If bickering just causes more bickering, try shutting up instead. Then talk to a therapist on your own, identify what you want, and see if there are positive ways to negotiate. Yes, there are things your spouse says and does that will always drive you crazy and aren’t going to change, so talking about them will always lead to frustration and ugliness.

Assuming, however, that there are things about your life together that you like and wish to expand, good negotiation requires positive speech, which means keeping your anger to yourself while showing your spouse the valuable things you wish to prevent both of you from losing. So don’t just bottle up your anger; bottle it up tighter while describing simple, doable changes that can lead to a better life for both of you.

If your anger is rooted in being the victim of a social wrong, such as racism, attacking bad guys may just strengthen your connection to them, particularly if their attitude isn’t going to change. Remember, you don’t need to prove your courage; you’ve already done so by going to work every day, knowing you risk humiliation because you need money for your family.

Fight racism when you think there’s a chance to win; otherwise, keep your mouth shut and move away as soon as you can. Racist-killing superheroes aren’t just good at standing up to evil; they are also good at choosing their battles and the time for fighting. Don’t let anger control your decision about whether and when to fight, especially since most civil rights battles have been won by peacefully letting the racists shame themselves.

Instead of using angry, alienating language with those you most wish to persuade, describe the facts of racist behavior and their destructive impact with regret. No, you don’t have to keep your anger a secret, but restraint does demonstrate objectivity and self-control, which can help win people over to your cause.

If you decide that silence is better than self-expression, it’s not because you’re a coward; it’s because you have goals more worthwhile than venting the inner rage-volcano, like keeping a family together, getting the best out of a relationship, and preserving your power to negotiate. If you’ve got a killer temper, hate injustice, and get hurt easily, then you’ll be most tempted to let loose against evildoers, and most heroic when you don’t.

Quick Diagnosis

Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

✵ Relief from hateful feelings

✵ Self-approval that comes with liking everyone and wishing them well

✵ Freedom from the temptation to open your mouth and say something nasty

✵ Freedom from the temptation to open your mouth and say something reasonable and righteous that will nevertheless cause a fight

Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

✵ Know when expressing negative feelings will lead to more negative feelings

✵ Develop the ability to keep negative feelings to yourself while working on broader goals

✵ Develop skills for negotiating when irritated

✵ Develop skills for waging war effectively when enraged

Here’s how you can do it:

✵ Develop a procedure for recognizing and accepting anger stalemates

✵ Look for all realistic, worthwhile goals other than expressing anger or changing unchangeable provocations

✵ Protect yourself from unnecessary exposure to harm, insult, and provocation

✵ Learn to negotiate while fuming

✵ Learn the art of the necessary but silent war

Your Script

Here’s what to say about angry feelings you know better than to express.

Dear Asshole, aka My [Colleague/Relative/Mighty Potentate],

I wish I could tell you how [mean/abusive/insanely horrible] you are, but I won’t. We have [many/some/just one] good reason(s) for [working/living/sharing a planet] together, and I am always interested in [some German word that means “allowing and sometimes acknowledging the existence of”] suggestions for improving our relationship. Otherwise, if I occasionally seem abrupt in ending a conversation, it’s simply because I [gotta go/have to take a call from the president/hate your guts]. As always, I wish you well and to go [in peace/to hell].

Life-Changing Conversation

If you see someone about to jump off life’s proverbial ledge by making what you’re sure is a terrible decision, it’s hard not to resist talking her out of her dumb choice and into some common sense. When we know we’re right, we want to do good.

Unlike those trained hostage negotiators or crisis counselors, an average person’s negotiation skills are mediocre at best; when blunt commonsense talk doesn’t work, we usually say the same thing, but louder, and then maybe louder still with an overcurrent of fury.

That might be the right way to grab attention, get someone to think twice, and maybe even scare someone straight, but it’s not a great way to get someone to change her mind (especially the mind of an adolescent, for which loud opposition affirms whatever their dumb idea was in the first place).

If volume and bluster don’t work, our second instinct is to use the language of selling to persuade someone she’ll feel better, sexier, richer, more powerful, and less anxious if she takes our advice. However, even if we’re a genius at sales, and offer to throw in free shipping, there are many people who can avoid this pitch as easily as that of any infomercial.

What’s toughest to accept is that, even when we’re good persuaders talking about something in which we believe completely, our words may well fall on deaf ears. At that point, not getting through can feel like a terrible failure that makes us partly responsible for whatever ensues.

Instead of trying to be a better communicator when you can’t get through, try to honestly assess whether you’ve put your argument as well as possible. If you have, then you yourself need to step away from the ledge and not take responsibility for anything more.

Have faith that life will eventually confirm your argument. At that time, if noncommunication hasn’t made you bitter, angry, and unable to say anything but “I told you so,” you will be heard and have a chance to make good things happen.

In the meantime, approach every crisis negotiation hoping to do your best. If someone ignores your pleading and chooses to make what you know is a mistake, let her, knowing you tried everything you could to protect her, and that if she survives the fall, you’ll be there to help pick her up.

Here is what you’d like to have (but don’t have) when you can’t get through to someone:

✵ A Vegas magician’s skill at creating illusion (and, if necessary, making someone disappear)

✵ A constantly updating PowerPoint that will confirm the truth of everything you’ve been saying

✵ The Oprahesque ability to bring anyone to the light, either by making them cry or giving them a car

Among the wishes people express are:

✵ To get someone to realize what she’s doing to herself and stop

✵ To get someone to see what harm she’s causing others and stop

✵ To get someone to see they’re just trying to help

✵ To get someone to see that they’re the good guys here

Here are three examples:

I need to get through to my sister about how self-destructive it is for her to keep going back to her alcoholic, abusive husband. It seems like every month or so he goes on a really bad bender and slaps her around, and then she comes to my house with her kids, crying, saying this is the last time. But then he eventually calls her in tears, or comes by to apologize with flowers and fast food. He promises to change or just makes her feel guilty for tearing their family apart, and she buys it, over and over again. My goal is to find the words to get her to see what a useless piece of shit he is and how she needs to break the cycle before it’s too late.

I thought things would get better at work after corporate ordered a 360 degree review and my boss got feedback from all of his employees. It was a great opportunity for all of us to let him know, anonymously, how we all thought he can be a bully and a poor communicator. Unfortunately, he now says he wants us to sit down and explain what we mean; he says it’ll be a constructive exercise, but we’re all certain that he really just wants to know precisely who said what, exact punishment, and make this office unbearable. My goal is to find a less confrontational, civil way to get him to see how unfair he’s being so that he’ll take the review seriously, mend his ways, and not ruin this job.

I wish I could get my husband to see that he needs to lose weight and get a physical. He just won’t take time to see a doctor, even though he’s overweight, eats all the wrong things, and doesn’t make any effort to exercise. You don’t need to be an MD to know that he’s putting himself at risk for a heart attack and diabetes, but if I try to encourage him to eat better or go for a walk, he says I’m a jerk for calling him fat. If I explain that I want him to do something about his weight because we all depend on him and that I’m scared of what will happen to him, he says I’m a drama queen. I just can’t seem to get through. My goal is to find words that will get him to see how important it is for him to get help.

When you can’t persuade someone to take what you feel are lifesaving measures, you have to be careful not to push so hard that you end up persuading him to avoid your angry, scary self altogether.

Instead, accept your lack of influence—including an ability to save and protect—and then present your reasoning with respect and patience instead of rage and hysteria.

If you’re trying to talk someone out of an abusive relationship that might become fatal, don’t attack the abuser who, after all, is someone she loves desperately. Respect her love and her hope to rescue the relationship, which she may think is the only thing she has, no matter how toxic you know it is.

Instead of telling her that her husband is human garbage, advise her that certain very unfortunate people—often they’ve been abused as kids—can’t stand the pressures of loving and needing someone without becoming overwhelmingly angry. While she might initially think that her love will be so solid and secure that it will ease his pain and douse his anger, what she will find is that there’s something wrong with his personality that can’t be helped. No matter how solid her love is, any loving relationship stirs up his pain and rage; some people are just allergic to love, and instead of getting hives, they get scary.

Urge the abused to respect her love while assessing its risk for exposing her and her family to harm. Assure her that she has much to offer and that her relationship would be happy if she’d had the good luck to find someone who didn’t have her partner’s terrible problem. Assuming it can’t work, she will help herself and, in the long run, her partner, by moving on and finding someone who can respond positively to her love.

If you’re called on to provide constructive criticism to someone who doesn’t normally take it well, assess your risks before trying to address his weaknesses. Even if he sincerely desires input, his allergy may not be to love but to criticism, so he may not be able to stop himself from retaliating, no matter how pure your intentions.

Don’t then let your desire for a better relationship or workplace lure you into saying things that will get you into trouble. You know the limits of your diplomatic abilities, as well as the weakness of the person whose faults are being addressed. You also have a responsibility to protect yourself from backlash when you know it’s inevitable.

If you know that your constructive criticism has a better chance of getting you fired than getting through to your boss, then keep it to yourself; if you let your desire to fix things take over, you probably won’t be able to keep your job.

Persuading someone to change bad health habits, particularly when you need him to stay healthy, is a pushy proposition to begin with; given how ingrained such habits usually are, you have to do a lot of nagging and reminding to try to change anything, and then accept that all your nudging probably won’t succeed. In the end, he’ll claim you’re making his health habits worse by making him feel criticized and helpless.

Instead of criticizing bad habits, use whatever control you have over money and together time to encourage better habits. Don’t presume to punish and don’t expect to change him; simply use your power, when you think it’s legitimate, to advance an important value. For instance, if you’re the one who shops, you can refuse to buy unhealthy food and lock up whatever snacks you take home. You can reward regular exercise by providing more snacks.

You can’t take responsibility for someone else’s bad habits, but you can experiment creatively with incentivizing healthier behavior without overreacting when your efforts are defeated. Either way, don’t stop acting according to your values, and whether or not your partner ever comes around, you’ll know you’ve done your best to provide him with opportunities to better his health.

To be most effective at persuasion, you have to accept what we call “Rogers’s Condensed Principle”; you have to know when to hold ’em, fold ’em, walk away, and run. In other words, if the person you wish to persuade may not be ready, you have to be ready to limit your sense of responsibility and let it go.

Instead of blaming him for being stubborn, stupid, or self-destructive, praise the side of his personality that wants to do better and respect the fact that he can’t listen, at least not yet. Remember, the less you push, the more you pull him to your point of view.

Quick Diagnosis

Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

✵ The ability to persuade when truth is on your side

✵ Personal credibility and respect, so people will believe you without your having to plead, reason, or bargain

✵ Mind control to make people do what they need to do when they disregard your warnings

Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

✵ To realize that, since you lack persuasive superpowers, you’re not responsible for how other people respond to your arguments

✵ To put together good arguments (even if they fall on deaf ears)

✵ Maintain your other priorities knowing that, persuasive or not, you’ve done your job

✵ Know you’re not responsible for harm that could have been prevented if people had listened

Here’s how you can do it:

✵ Assume that obstacles to understanding are not willful or ill-intended but rather driven by wishes and needs people can’t resist

✵ Ignore willful, ill-intended attacks

✵ Ask people to consider their values and what they think will result from their actions, rather than paying attention to pain, feelings, and wishes

✵ If you have the opportunity, turn ensuing crises into teaching opportunities

✵ Know that your effectiveness depends on urging people to do what their wiser side wants them to do, not what you want them to do

✵ As usual, give yourself credit for effort, not results

Your Script

Here’s what to say to people who desperately need your advice but, for whatever reason, won’t take it.

Dear [Friend/Family Member/Colleague/Self-Destructive Imbecile Who Needs a “Come to Jesus” Talk but Will Listen Only If Jesus Delivers It],

I feel like you’re about to get yourself [screwed/addicted/played/in deep shit/killed] but I know you’ve been [antonym for “encouraged”] and can’t stop yourself because you’re too [ADD/in love/doomed by poor decision-making genes]. Instead of trying to [convince/bully/bribe/smack] you, I’m going to ask you what matters to you and whether your current behavior will take you where you want to go or to the [ER/police station/morgue]. Then, if you want, I’ll share [methods/written rules/the number of a good shrink] for improving your self-control, or, if you prefer, I’ll leave you alone.

The Best and Worst Means for Communicating Specific Messages

If you view communication as a means to problem solving and not the magic cure to all disagreements, your abilities will certainly improve, especially if you can control your wish to control others, regardless of how benign your intentions. Keeping negative opinions to yourself while finding ways to help people see their own choices is a common ideal for mediators, parents, and therapists. No matter how skilled a communicator you are, however, there are always limits to the ability of communication to solve problems; sooner or later, we all encounter our version of the Middle East, and at that point, you need to know you’ve done your best and respect your efforts while shutting up and letting it go. Sometimes, the best response is no communication at all.