Doable: The Girls' Guide to Accomplishing Just About Anything (2015)

STEP 7: DEAL WITH SETBACKS

You might be wondering why, since the previous chapter was all about finally buckling down and getting work done, I’m now throwing in a chapter about setbacks. And I get it. I mean, here you’ve got all this great momentum going and I come along and remind you of the possibility that things may not go as planned.

Well, I’ve got good reason to do so, and this is it: in every hero’s journey, there are challenges and setbacks (and yes, you are the hero of your story). There just are. No matter how finely planned a pursuit, something is bound to go wrong along the way … it’s just part of the deal. Ask Michael Jordan, who got bumped from his high school varsity basketball team, or Oprah Winfrey, who lost a hosting gig early in her career because someone thought she wasn’t “fit for television,” or Bill Gates, who dropped out of college, or John Grisham, whose first novel was rejected by sixteen agents and twelve publishing companies. The list of famous failures goes on and on, but you get the point: everyone struggles; everyone fails sometimes.

Cammy Nelson noticed that setbacks were a regular part of trying to get her nonprofit, Rep Your School—Build a School, off the ground. No was apparently the word of choice as Cammy worked her way up the university hierarchy of administrators trying to get the green light so she could turn her idea into reality.

“I don’t usually burst out in emotion, but when I get really frustrated or upset, I handle it by having a minor breakdown and crying a lot. That’s just how I’ve always been whenever I get really frustrated. So there were a lot of tears shed—I was just so frustrated with people not seeing the same potential of the program that I did. And so I remember one night sitting on my campus calling my parents because I was like, ‘I don’t know what to do anymore.’ I just wanted it to happen because I believed it would be good.” But Cammy didn’t let that stop her. “I handled it by setting up another meeting. I just thought, This isn’t going to stop here. So I sent another email and set up a meeting with the people who eventually said yes. I guess I handled those setbacks by getting overwhelmed and then letting it go and then taking the next step. But there were lots of tears shed,” she says.

So, failures and setbacks? The reality is, there’s a very good chance they will happen to you. Maybe not today, maybe not during the particular goal you’re chasing right now, but at some point, it’s gonna happen. And when it does, your default reaction may be feeling uncomfortable, scared, disheartened, frustrated, or simply like a big old failure. But here’s the thing about setbacks: if we can persevere and remind ourselves of our intentions, those setbacks may not only get us where we want to be but also make the whole journey more meaningful and rewarding when we’re on the other side.

What’s So Bad about Failure?

So, what exactly is it about failure that strikes fear into the hearts of so many people? And since when did failing become something so terrible that people try to avoid it at all costs, even if that means never trying to do anything worthwhile in the first place?

Like everything else in life, it’s our thoughts and beliefs about failure that form the basis of our relationship with it. The reality is, without our assigning some sort of meaning to our failures, they would just be circumstances. You know, instead of making our failures mean something about who we are—I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not talented enough, I just don’t have what it takes—when something goes wrong, we’d simply shrug our shoulders and say, “Oh, bummer … that happened.” And we’d move on.

Here’s the thing about failure: the very act of putting ourselves out there and taking risks that might involve failure is a positive thing. As author and researcher Brené Brown says, “When failure is not an option we can forget about learning, creativity, and innovation.” Plenty of highly successful people, from entrepreneurs and engineers to businesses executives and athletes, credit their failures for their ultimate successes. Business tycoon Richard Branson—who has experienced many high-profile failures in the midst of his successes—says, “If you’re going to fail, fail hard, fail well. It simply means success is just around the corner.” He knows that refusing to risk failure means refusing to tap into your true power and genius. And how unfulfilling would that be?

Still, failing can be tough. And learning how to handle setbacks, disappointments, and failures takes practice. But just like anything that involves moving outside your comfort zone, it gets easier with practice. And ultimately, you’ll get to a place where you can see a setback as an acceptable outcome, just part of the process, no big deal.

The Art of Failing

So how exactly does one deal with unexpected setbacks when working toward a goal? How can you get from the ugh of disappointment to the other side, where you can reengage with the goal from a more empowered place? Let’s walk through an example to take a closer look at the process.

Say Kaitlyn is trying to memorize one of Muzio Clementi’s sonatinas to play in the school talent show in May. She’s never entered the talent show before, but this year she decided to take a risk and share a part of her that her friends don’t usually see. And hey, if she happens to impress a few folks along the way, in particular a senior named Sebastian, all the better.

Kaitlyn has used all the Doable steps so far to help her pursue her goal. She has:

1. Defined the To Do: Play Sonatina in C Major, op. 36, no.1 by Clementi by memory at the talent show on May 7.

2. Detailed the little steps: Get the sheet music, sign up for the talent show, come up with a realistic practice schedule, practice each movement separately with the music every day, start trying to do parts of it by memory, build the amount played by memory versus looking at the music over time, have three practice performances for friends and family in the week prior to the show, get a good night’s sleep the night before the show, kick butt at the performance!

3. Defended against obstacles: Kaitlyn recognizes her tendency to get distracted with other things when she’s feeling pressure mixed with a lack of confidence, and she proactively came up with a defense strategy to combat her usual distraction tendencies.

4. Developed a support system: Kaitlyn told her big sister what she was trying to do and asked her to watch TV downstairs instead of in the living room so she could practice without interruption. She also recorded herself playing so she could listen to the music while playing it as a way to nail the notes, and she scheduled extra sessions with her piano teacher to get tips for memorizing music.

5. Determined what success looks like: Kaitlyn is super clear on how she’ll know when she has achieved her goal—performing the piece at the talent show without any major screwups. She’s even been visualizing herself successfully playing the piece, calmly and confidently.

6. Done the work: Kaitlyn has been sticking to her schedule and has figured out that she’s a short spurter + easily distracted + scheduler + reward junkie. She has set herself up for success by making the appropriate tweaks to her plan to capitalize on her strengths.

But … then something happened.

Kaitlyn held one of her practice recitals. Two days before the show. For an audience of three (Mom, Dad, and Sis). Four if you count the dog.

And … she totally choked.

Halfway through the second movement, fingers flying staccato across the keys, her mind suddenly went blank. And then she panicked. And then she just stopped playing, a deep grumbling weight filling the pit of her stomach. She tried to pick up where she left off, but she just couldn’t get her rhythm going again. Face red and feeling defeated, she pushed herself away from the piano and slunk up to her room.

That might not seem like such a big deal to you, but for Kaitlyn, her faux-recital failure ended up being a major setback. As she lay in bed that night, she found herself unable to visualize the happy, confident image she’d been focusing on in the previous weeks, and instead, she started to imagine the absolute worst. The thoughts running through her head sounded something like this:

■ I’m going to completely humiliate myself.

■ Everyone will think I’m a total loser.

■ I never should have signed up for the talent show in the first place.

■ My reputation will be ruined if I screw up, and I’ll never recover.

As you can imagine, thinking these thoughts isn’t really fodder for confidence, and focusing on them will likely cause Kaitlyn to either pull out of the talent show altogether or show up to the event a bundle of nerves, play her song with shaky hands, and possibly do the exact same thing during the performance that she did during the practice run.

So what’s the alternative? To reframe the situation and consciously change the chatter in her head about what went wrong and what that means. It’s easier than it sounds … trust me.

Shift Those Thoughts!

For Kaitlyn to get back on track for accomplishing her To Do, she needs to shift her thoughts to generate a positive, supportive new reality. The same is true for all of us, and it only takes three steps:

1. Accept that setbacks are part of the deal. If we believe that a setback is terrible or awful or unacceptable, then setbacks and failures become something we fear and avoid at all costs. And then when things do go wrong, we give those setbacks so much weight that they throw us into a tailspin … one that just might be unrecoverable. But if we accept the fact that setbacks are part of trying to do anything, they become just another part of the process. Even better, they can become an important factor in bringing us closer to our ultimate goals.

2. Experience the emotions tied to setbacks and failure in a healthy way. Disappointment, frustration, and sadness are all completely appropriate and normal emotions when something doesn’t go our way. But some people let those emotions take over; they awfulize the situation by dwelling on the negatives. They slip into a dark place of shame and despair. On the flip side, there are people who don’t want to deal with any of the uncomfortable emotions at all, and they shove the feelings deep down and suppress them. That isn’t a healthy option either, as it can lead to chronic health problems, unhappiness, and in some cases, depression. The secret is letting the emotions wash through us—notice them, acknowledge them, feel them, and then let them go.

3. Ask questions to explore and discover the reality of what’s going on. Try starting with these: What can I learn from this situation? What is the worst thing that could happen, and can I survive it? What changes can I make to my plan based on this new information that will better enable me to reach my goal? Inventor Thomas Edison supposedly said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found ten thousand ways that won’t work.” So, what didn’t work that you could tweak or shift to see if you’ll get a better result? How can you modify your goal to incorporate your new reality?

Kaitlyn could do a little DIY Coaching here by first reminding herself, Hey, mistakes happen. Even great pianists have screwed up in the middle of big, live performances. (It’s true.) Putting yourself out there and taking big risks, like playing piano in the school talent show, isn’t easy and may feel seriously uncomfortable, but when Kaitlyn accepts that mistakes may happen and realizes that’s totally okay, it doesn’t feel like as big a deal.

Next, Kaitlyn could have a little freak-out. She could allow herself to feel and process all those emotions: embarrassment, dread, and the fear that she’ll make a fool of herself at the show. She could notice if she’s emotionally spiraling out of control and fixating on super big and extreme thoughts along the lines of I’m setting myself up for the biggest catastrophe of my life! and remind herself of what she already knows: in reality she will survive whatever happens, and she can get through anything.

Lastly, Kaitlyn could take a step back and ask herself some questions about what happened to discover what really went wrong so she can learn from the setback and move forward armed with new insight and confidence. Here’s what that process might look like for Kaitlyn:

■ What went wrong? I completely blanked in the middle of my song, froze, and couldn’t get back on track again to finish.

■ What is my biggest concern? I’m worried I’m going to make a complete fool of myself at the talent show if the same thing happens there.

■ What can I learn from it? When I’m feeling nervous, there’s a good chance I’ll lose my focus, and if I lose my place in the song, I might not be able to pick back up where I left off and complete the piece. Although professional pianists perform with no sheet music, maybe I’m not at that stage yet. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself by thinking I have to hold myself to a standard of perfection.

■ What changes can I make to enhance my chances of success? I can ditch the idea of playing the piece by memory and have my Clementi book with me. I’ll ask Maisie to sit on the piano bench next to me and turn pages.

Now Kaitlyn has a new plan for pushing ahead and performing in the talent show—one that feels more achievable and less stressful, thank you very much. Sure, she still might flub some measures in the piece, but she’ll be able to get back on track easily as long as she has the music with her. And had she not had that setback in the practice recital, she might not have made the adjustments to her plan that, in the long run, made achieving her goal that much more doable.

DIY COACHING: SHIFT THOSE THOUGHTS AND EMBRACE FAILURE

When was the last time you experienced a setback or a failure while working toward a goal? Turn that failure into self-knowledge and an opportunity to be more successful next time by doing a little DIY Coaching:

1. Accept that the setback was simply a part of your goal-getting journey. It is what it is—nothing more, nothing less.

2. Allow yourself to experience the emotions tied to the setback or failure in a healthy way. Don’t ignore them, and don’t fixate on them—just notice, acknowledge, feel, and release.

3. In your journal or Doable workbook, honestly explore thoughtful questions about what happened. Questions to explore include:

■ What went wrong?

■ What is my biggest concern?

■ What can I learn from it?

■ What changes can I make to enhance my chances of success?

The Mid-Goal Blues

Losing momentum and feeling insecure or unmotivated about a pursuit doesn’t only result from a big failure or setback. Sometimes, midway to a goal, you lose steam for other reasons. You might start to doubt your ability to complete what you’re working on, or you might start to feel disconnected from your Why for doing it in the first place. You might just get tired—physically, mentally, emotionally, or all of the above—and start to question your intentions. Or things may not be unfolding exactly as you’d hoped, and you may feel like throwing in the towel.

If this has happened to you, please pay particular attention to this next sentence. This is normal. That’s right. Everything I’ve just described is completely normal. It doesn’t mean you can’t finish anything. It doesn’t mean you aren’t committed anymore. And it doesn’t mean that you should give up.

More than likely, it means you’re stressed, you’re overtired, or your life is out of balance, whether as a result of goal pursuing or not. Our bodies let us know that something is off by feeling tired, disconnected, insecure, or unmotivated. We’re supposed to take notice of those signals and do what it takes to address whatever is going on. If the signal tells us we’re running on fumes, then we need to notice that and think about ways to get more rest. If the signal tells us we’re out of touch with why we’re working so hard, then we need to reset our intentions and take steps to remember what we hope being successful will look and feel like.

This is something Sarah Cronk of The Sparkle Effect has faced a lot over the past several years. As I mentioned earlier, Sarah cofounded The Sparkle Effect because she felt passionate about including special needs students at her school. As a member of the cheering squad at Pleasant Valley High School, she was able to reap all the benefits of what she was creating. She was personally touched by the experience she was helping bring to students with disabilities. It was profound and impactful.

But now Sarah is in college, and though she still runs The Sparkle Effect, she’s no longer regularly hanging out with the students who benefit from the organization. She’s no longer getting to experience those feel-good vibes on a regular basis.

“One of the hardest things for me was transitioning from running my own Sparkles team at my high school to doing all the work without experiencing all the rewards—you know, the internal rewards. That was tough at first.” But Sarah got through the mid-goal blues. “I had to push through it and understand that what I am working toward is bigger than the day-to-day. So now it makes me just as happy to see that another team has started and that they’re experiencing what I used to experience in my high school. Even though I don’t get to be there for the start of that team [and] I don’t often get to be at that first practice, I get to imagine the smiles on their faces and how excited and happy they are.”

When I asked Sarah how she boosts her spirits when she is feeling disconnected or down, she told me her secret. “Sometimes for me it means pulling up a video of me with my team when I was in high school, flipping through a Facebook album of when we were all together, or going back and watching old videos of teams. When I just really don’t want to fill out that grant application or something like that, I take a break for like ten, twenty minutes, go down memory lane, look at that old stuff, and just let myself feel refreshed and reenergized,” Sarah explains.

The Benefits of Failures and Setbacks

As you can see, changing the way we think about the setbacks we encounter makes all the difference when it comes to whether or not those setbacks will be positive or negative experiences for us. Remember, you get to decide how you feel about your setbacks. So why not choose to view them in a positive light? Here are some more helpful ways to consider failure in case you’re not quite convinced:

Failure is feedback. Nothing more, nothing less. Failure is information that tells us something isn’t working or there’s a better way. And when you think about it, isn’t this information exactly what we need to get us closer to reaching our goals?

Failures and setbacks build grit, which is defined in the Oxford Pocket Dictionary as “courage and resolve; strength of character.” The more setbacks we face, the more grit we build. The good news here? According to Paul Tough, author of the New York Times bestseller How Children Succeed, having the qualities of grit and perseverance are much more important in determining future success than things like good grades or compliant behavior. In fact, research shows that people who didn’t have to overcome obstacles as kids are actually less happy as adults. (Hmmm … makes you think about failure in a whole new light, doesn’t it?)

At this point, I think it’s fair to say that teen researcher Naomi Shah has built up enough grit to get her through a lifetime. She has logbooks highlighting all the things that went wrong in her experiments so she can work through the problems. So what does she do when setbacks occur? She dives in. “I am totally fine with cold-calling professors or professionals in the industry and asking questions. Just sending out ten or eleven emails that night and saying, ‘I’m a high school researcher. You don’t know who I am, but this is what I’m working on and here’s a problem I ran into. Could you help me work through it, and could you help me figure out a reason why this is happening?’ I’ve learned that it’s okay to look stupid or not as smart, because at the end of the day, it’s progressing your research and getting to your goal that matters. Usually people don’t think you’re stupid for asking a question. They think that you’re bold or you’re taking action to get to your goal.”

And that, my friends, is what grit looks like.

Failure results in creativity. True innovation—the kind that can literally change the world and the way we live in a positive way—is often the result of failure. When something doesn’t work out as planned, it challenges people to push themselves to come up with creative solutions. You can bet your bottom dollar that any society-changing invention or technological advancement throughout history came about after, or possibly because of, multiple setbacks and failures.

Failure begets self-knowledge. When things go wrong, you have the opportunity to examine your response to the setback and explore your own ideas and thoughts about failure. Why does this matter? Because how we experience adversity tells us a lot about who we are, how we see the world, and how we see ourselves fitting into it. And that kind of self-knowledge will help us get through everything in life. In her 2008 commencement address at Harvard, author J. K. Rowling talked about her own failures in this regard: “Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above the price of rubies.”

As in the example with Kaitlyn’s performance in the talent show, failure often happens while you work toward a goal. Since so many of our To Dos involve multiple steps, there are obviously multiple opportunities for things to go wrong at any point along the path. When they do, dive into DIY Coaching to shift those thoughts and embrace the failure so you can deal with the associated feelings, course correct, and move on. To be a Doable goal-getter, you have to know that you won’t make it every time, and that’s okay. Life is about trying things. It’s about going for it. It’s about the journey.

STEP 7 SUMMARY

I hope that by now you’re convinced that failing is not only part of the deal but also most likely a positive thing. Anytime I start to question this notion, I think of my favorite office supply, the beloved Post-it. It never would have been brought into existence had its creator, 3M, not failed epically by developing a glue that didn’t stick very well. While that glue may not have created an unbreakable bond, it was the perfect thing for the back of a note you want to stick somewhere but still be able to move from place to place. Yes … failure can totally suck, but if you can see it as just another (necessary) step toward your goal, you can deal.

Step 1: Define Your To Do

Step 2: Detail the Little Tasks

Step 3: Defend against Obstacles

Step 4: Develop Support Systems

Step 5: Determine What Success Looks Like

Step 6: Do the Work

Step 7: Deal with Setbacks Expecting, embracing, and learning from the failures and setbacks you face along the way is one of the most powerful steps in the Doable process. Mastering this step will serve you well throughout your entire life and will allow you to experience your Doable journey in a more meaningful and rewarding way. Here are some things to keep in mind when you’re facing setbacks and failures:

■ How you feel about your setbacks and failures is solely determined by what you think about them. You get to choose what your failures mean. Keep it realistic! I’m not good enough or I just don’t have what it takes become Oh, bummer … that happened.

■ Shift those thoughts and embrace failure rather than struggle against the undertow: 1) Accept that setbacks are part of the deal (Kaitlyn reminded herself that mistakes happen); 2) Experience the emotions tied to setbacks and failure in a healthy way (Kaitlyn allowed herself a small freak-out while not going over the edge); 3) Ask yourself questions to explore and discover the reality of what’s going on (Kaitlyn asked questions that led her to the realization that memorizing the piece was too much pressure, and she changed her plan, making it more doable).

■ Understand the many, and very real, benefits of failures and setbacks. Failure is feedback—it builds grit, it results in creativity, and it begets self-knowledge. All of these are good. Really good.