DEFEND AGAINST OBSTACLES - Doable: The Girls' Guide to Accomplishing Just About Anything (2015)

Doable: The Girls' Guide to Accomplishing Just About Anything (2015)

STEP 3: DEFEND AGAINST OBSTACLES


Lady Gaga, insecure? It’s hard to believe that word could ever be used to describe the same iconic performer who managed to turn a dress made of meat into a powerful fashion statement.

But flash back to her teen years, and that’s exactly how Gaga describes herself. As she said in a 2011 Rolling Stone interview, “Being teased for being ugly, having a big nose, being annoying … ‘Your laugh is funny, you’re weird, why do you always sing, why are you so into theater, why do you do your make-up like that?’ … I used to be called a s--t, be called this, be called that, I didn’t even want to go to school sometimes.”

Lady Gaga managed to push through her insecurities by staying focused on the big dream—superstardom, a recording contract, fame. But what if she hadn’t? What if she had bought into the obnoxious, hurtful things fellow students said about what a “freak” she was? What if she’d given in to her insecurities? Can you imagine a world without Gaga’s soulful music, provocative outfits, and anti-bullying Born This Way Foundation?

Obstacles, Obstacles, Everywhere

Everyone has obstacles that can get in the way of achievements. Real or imagined, physical or mental, big or small, these obstacles have the potential to shut down the party before it even gets started. So what’s a girl on a mission to do?

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Not what you might think. Forget about ignoring your insecurity or fears and plowing ahead on a wing and a prayer. Sooner or later, what’s at the root of those fears and insecurities is going to catch up with you and put the kibosh on your big plans.

Your best shot here? Leaning into the obstacles. I’m talking about getting to know them like you would a long lost, and slightly annoying, great-aunt. You know … the one who shows up on Christmas, presents you with a tacky animal sweater as a gift, and expects to see you wearing it by dinner.

Why? Because the obstacles that get in the way of getting things done are actually a part of you. They’re born from your thoughts, and they’re not necessarily going anywhere. So you might as well get to know them. Befriend them. Kill them with love. It works … trust me.

Step 3 of the Doable process is to Defend against Obstacles, the kinds of obstacles anyone on a mission might experience. As you read through this chapter, explore the types of roadblocks you typically face: your own patterns, unhelpful habits and, most important, unhealthy thinking—those thoughts that do nothing more than keep you stuck. Being proactive and coming up with a plan for overcoming the obstacles you’re bound to face is your best defense against them.

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The Mother of All Obstacles: Procrastination

Marni Bates is an author of young adult books who also happens to be a young adult. In fact, she published her first book—an autobiography named Marni—at age nineteen. And I should know because, in the spirit of full disclosure here, I edited it. I knew I wanted to include Marni in Doable when I started writing it because, after witnessing her write her memoir under tight deadlines, deliver a great manuscript, and be a pro about promoting it, all while balancing the pressures that come with life as a freshman in college, I knew she was pretty amazing at getting stuff done. She must be—at the age of twenty-four, she’s written and published five novels in the past four years and has more on deck. But I also know that Marni struggles with the P-word. Yes folks … I’m talking about procrastination.

For Marni, procrastination looks like surfing online, doodling, watching videos, or reading other people’s books. “Basically, it looks like anything that isn’t writing because that’s the one thing I’m postponing,” she explains.

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Marni knows herself well enough to realize she can’t actually focus at home when she’s writing because she could choose to do so many other things besides write, and there’s no one there to call her on it.

“If I’m in a public place with my headphones on, then I know I’m surrounded by other people, and I feel obligated to be doing my work. I’ve usually spent money on a cup of coffee so I have a monetary investment in getting something out of this time to really make it pay off, and I have a better likelihood of focusing and getting my work done. I have to be willing to give myself some downtime and then to know when to crack the whip, which is really hard. But yeah, I procrastinate.”

One thing I know is that Marni’s not alone. It would be impossible to write about obstacles to getting things done without tackling the issue of procrastination. Though there are always underlying reasons for procrastination, which we’ll explore later in this chapter, this catch-all epidemic of chronically putting things off is probably the number-one excuse for unfinished projects or unreached goals.

Let’s get real—most of us procrastinate on some level when it comes to things we’re not really into, like emptying the dishwasher, cleaning our bedrooms, or writing that term paper on the Kyoto Protocol. Makes sense, right? When we have something on our plates that doesn’t look so great, it’s much easier to push it off to the side than to take that first bite. So we delay and we put off and we find so many other, much more appealing, things to do instead (like placing decals on our nails or playing with the hamster or watching a Teen Mom marathon), planning to get to the above-mentioned task, you know, later. The problem is, for many people, later never comes.

WHY WE PROCRASTINATE

But here’s the really interesting thing: it’s not just undesirable To Dos that are thwarted by procrastination. Ask any writer whose unfinished novel, her self-proclaimed passion project, sits in a file on her desktop, neglected, while she spends hours combing through her Facebook newsfeed or juggling a dozen games of Words with Friends.

So, what’s the deal? Why do well-intentioned go-getters essentially choose self-sabotage over success? And while we’re on the topic, is procrastination a choice after all? Scientists say yes. According to Psychology Today, about 20 percent of people are “chronic procrastinators,” and not necessarily because of poor planning or time-management skills. The truth is, most procrastinators delay because they’re afraid of failing to live up to their standards of perfection.

Whatever the reason, procrastination not only sucks away your time but also keeps you stuck in a spin cycle and can become a habitual way of going through life.

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So how about you? Are you a chronic procrastinator? Answer these questions with either “Totally me,” “Sometimes me,” “Rarely me,” or “Never me” to see how many sound like you:

1. When I have a school assignment, I wait until the last minute to get it done (that is, if I manage to get it done at all).

2. If I don’t know how to do something perfectly, it’s nearly impossible for me to get started.

3. If a task feels overwhelming, I tend to distract myself with other things.

4. I figure I’ll reach a point where doing what I have to do will come easily, so I sit around and wait for inspiration to strike.

5. I regularly miss deadlines, whether for things I have to do or for things I want to do.

If you answered “Totally me” or “Sometimes me” to more than one question, chances are you have some procrastination tendencies that make it challenging for you to tackle your To Dos. But wait … there’s hope.

PROCRASTINATION EMANCIPATION

Even chronic procrastinators can manage to get things done—take former President Bill Clinton, who was known for his classic procrastination tactics, or painter Leonardo da Vinci, who took sixteen years to finish painting the Mona Lisa. (I’m glad he eventually finished his masterpiece, but seriously, who needs an unfinished painting, not to mention a school project or unresolved social dilemma, hanging over her head for more than a decade?)

Procrastination emancipation doesn’t necessarily have to do with making fancy schedules or posting reminders all over your desk. And it’s not about cutting out all your social time or extracurriculars either. In reality, most procrastinators actually have plenty of time to get their To Dos done—being too busy has nothing to do with it. So what’s the key to freeing yourself from this not-so-helpful habit?

The answer comes when you ask yourself this simple, little question: why?

As in, why do you put things off? Why do you regularly miss deadlines? Why are you so concerned about doing it perfectly?

One of the most important things life coaches do is ask thought-provoking questions like these to encourage their clients to dig deep and discover new truths about themselves. And while working with a coach is great, you can also uncover the answers on your own by practicing some DIY Coaching. The key is to be brutally honest with yourself and to remember that there are no right or wrong answers. Again, the theme here is self-knowledge.

Images DIY COACHING: YOUR NEW TRUTH

After answering questions about why you do what you do, you can go through a very easy process for developing a new truth about yourself. Don’t just answer the questions in your mind, though. Write them down! This is important stuff! Grab your journal or use your Doable workbook (download here: www.debbiereber.com), and jot down your responses to the following questions:

1. Think about the last time you had something you either wanted to do or had to do but struggled to get it done because of procrastination. Write it down.

2. Why do you think you kept putting off the task? Write down as many of the following reasons as apply:

■ I didn’t have enough information to get started.

■ I didn’t have enough time to fit it in.

■ I didn’t have the support I needed.

■ I didn’t know how to break it down.

■ I was afraid of screwing up or blowing it.

■ I don’t like taking risks.

■ I wasn’t sure I would be successful.

■ I got distracted … a lot.

■ I lost interest.

■ I didn’t have a strategy for planning and executing the task.

■ I got overwhelmed at the thought of starting something new.

■ I lost momentum and couldn’t get it back.

■ I usually don’t finish things, so I figured, Why bother even trying?

■ I didn’t believe I had what it took.

■ I didn’t have the energy to follow through.

■ It felt too hard.

■ I thought it was too boring.

■ I didn’t care enough to do it.

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3. Now, pick one of the reasons that clicks with you the most as something that regularly stands in your way. Write it down. (For example, I got distracted.)

4. When you reflect on this situation, what emotion accompanies the reason you stated? Choose an emotion that resonates for you. Write it down. (For example, frustration, annoyance, anger, sadness, apathy, confusion, overwhelm, or indifference.)

5. What thoughts about yourself were going on in your head that resulted in the above emotion? Write down as many as come to your mind. (For example, I always get distracted. I never finish anything. I’m a big failure because I can’t see anything through.)

6. Now consider how those thoughts probably aren’t totally true. What is the reality of the situation? Can you come up with an example (or a few) that disproves your crappy thought? (For example, Okay, I did finish my science project. And I actually turn in most of my homework on time. And if I really think about it, I can find tons of examples of things I actually did see through.)

7. Since you basically just disproved one of the crappy thoughts that’s behind your procrastination, it’s time to come up with your new truth—a statement that reflects what’s actually true in a way that feels positive and optimistic as it propels you forward. Write down your new truth. (For example, I sometimes get distracted, but I usually finish what I start.)

Write that new truth where you can see it often. Post it on your wall or your bathroom mirror. Memorize it. Because when you are focused on that reality as opposed to thoughts that feel bad and keep you stuck, that’s when you start to move beyond procrastination. That’s when things get done.

Did you follow that DIY Coaching process to uncover your new truth? First we figured out the reasons for procrastinating, and then we identified the not-so-great emotions that went along with those reasons. Because our emotions result from our thoughts, we explored those thoughts and realized they were actually crappy thoughts that we can dispute. So we identified what the reality was instead of those crappy thoughts, and then we decided to state a new truth that shows our true potential.

Let’s take a look at the more common obstacles people face when trying to get stuff done and see how we can apply the idea of DIY Coaching to them for an improved outcome.

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Common Obstacles

Procrastination is by far the most common obstacle Doers struggle with, but it’s really just a symptom of something bigger going on. Most of those things that get in your way come from your head—your thinking, your fears—not your reality. Work on the way you’re thinking and you’ll notice that you’re more able to do your thing. And it gets easier. I promise.

You’ve just explored some of your own reasons for procrastinating, and more than likely, they boil down to one of the few nearly universal hurdles people face when they’re trying to get things done, whether they’re looking to change the world or change their sheets. Here’s a closer look at not only what might be getting in your way but also how to defend against these obstacles so they don’t become barriers to reaching your goals. And it always starts with a deeper look at what’s really going on in your head.

OBSTACLE: CRAPPY THINKING

As the previous exercise showed, on some level, almost every obstacle would-be go-getters face boils down to the fact that we’re buying into what I like to call crappy thinking. I’m talking about those thoughts going through our heads that are based in fear instead of reality—the kind that make all our insecurities rear their ugly little heads … the kind that will stop us dead in our tracks.

Crappy thinking is that inner dialogue that likes to remind us of our greatest screw-ups anytime we start to go outside our comfort zones. It might sound like this: No one takes you seriously. What were you thinking, trying out for varsity? You’re not even close to good enough to make the team. Or this: Everyone’s going to think you’re a loser for getting dumped by him. Or even this: Raising your hand is not worth the risk. You’ll die of embarrassment if you get it wrong.

Sound familiar? We each have our own, personal inner critic who has a strong, and warped, opinion about pretty much anything we do outside our safety bubbles.

Defense Strategy: While your inner critic may think she’s protecting you (from failure, from fear, from being uncomfortable) by encouraging you to quit while you’re ahead, she doesn’t actually know what she’s talking about. Furthermore, she doesn’t get to run your life. You just have to call her on her crap. Here’s how:

1. Notice what your inner critic has to say by tuning in to the voice in your head—the one that makes you think twice before doing something you want to do. What kinds of things does she like to remind you of (past failures, current insecurities, future fears)? Keep a list of her greatest hits.

2. Realize that those crappy thoughts going through your mind courtesy of your know-it-all inner critic are nothing but a bunch of words. They’re thoughts. They’re not true. They’re not you.

3. Just as you came up with new truths when you explored your procrastination tendencies, replace these crappy thoughts with new ones. Optimistic ones. Positive ones. Truer ones.

4. Repeat as necessary.

Images JOURNAL: DIY COACHING— KICKING CRAPPY THOUGHTS

Remember, writing something down makes it even more powerful than saying it or thinking it. Grab your journal or Doable workbook, and let’s really kick these crappy thoughts. (We’ll be exploring all these obstacles in writing, so keep it handy.) Get down to some DIY Coaching and answer these questions:

1. What kinds of circumstances typically unleash my inner critic? (For example, Anytime I’m in a new social situation. When I try to do something I’ve never done before. When I’m working toward a goal others are skeptical of.)

2. What are my inner critic’s greatest hits that she repeats anytime I’m working toward a big goal? (For example, You’re going to make a fool of yourself. People will find out you’re not that smart. You’ll never actually reach your goal, so why bother trying?)

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3. What is the actual truth that these greatest hits don’t reflect? (Go through each answer to question 1 and write down what’s really going on. For example, In every social situation, I find someone to connect with. No one was born knowing how to do everything. I’ve reached many goals in the past, and I’m capable of doing it now.)

4. What greatest hits of my own can I come up with to replace the lame ones played by my inner critic? (Go through each one from question 2 and come up with your new truth. For example, New social situations can be challenging, but they’re almost always worth it. I love learning how to do new things. It’s exciting to work toward new goals, and it feels great to accomplish them.)

Teen fashion blogger Ella Viscardi doesn’t have a problem getting things done—she’s focused, determined, a quick self-study, and 100 percent committed to her creative projects. She’s tackled obstacles before they’ve even come up, like figuring out the tech side of her site on her own and coming up with a doable schedule for balancing school life with her blogging responsibilities. The one obstacle that she really had to overcome involved her crappy thinking about whether what she did had value in the real world.

“In the beginning, it was challenging because of all the different websites I was looking at. It’s hard when you start to compare yourself unrealistically to other people in terms of knowing how successful they’ve been. I’m only sixteen, not an adult like most of the other bloggers I was looking at,” Ella explains.

“I also worried about judgments from other people, like other teenagers at my school if they were to find out I was doing this. I didn’t share what I was doing with other people for a while because I didn’t know what they’d think.”

Luckily, Ella tackled her crappy thoughts head-on and moved past them. To halt the compare-and-despair cycle, she stopped visiting the other sites that were making her feel insecure and turned her focus back to her own writing and doing the things that were important to and for her. Getting over her fear about judgments from her peers took a little more time, but eventually she learned that her passion project was really important to her and was something she put a lot of time into—that it was worth sharing. “That’s definitely been a part of my growth. I’ve gotten positive feedback from friends and other websites, so that’s helped me become more confident and want to expand and start to share what I’m doing with more people,” she says.

And it seems to have worked well for her. Today, three years after starting her blog, Ella Etcetera, she’s garnering mainstream attention, including being picked up as a Fashion Click blogger by Teen Vogue.

OBSTACLE: OVERWHELM

Overwhelm is an emotional state … the feeling that there’s too much to do, there’s too little time, or things are just plain too hard (or maybe all three). But because overwhelm is an emotion, it’s not necessarily grounded in fact or reality—it comes from a different part of your brain than the place where logic and reason is stored. Overwhelm looks a lot like stress, and as a result, your body might be responding to a situation similarly to how it would if you had just run into a bear during a summer hike. That’s because overwhelm can trigger the fight-or-flight response, which might lead to physical symptoms like insomnia, headaches, nausea, or the jitters. It goes without saying that these conditions don’t exactly cheer, “Be happy and productive!”

Defense Strategy: The key to squashing overwhelm is to get out of your head. Your big, beautiful brain, the same one that stores oodles of valuable info and enables you to do things like make smart decisions or simplify 7(-3q2 + 4q), is not thinking rationally in this state. Just like scientists believe people’s IQ actually drops when they experience anger, rational thinking goes out the window when stress, anxiety, and overwhelm are triggered.

To get out of your head, stop, breathe, and think. (Yes, that is Steve’s strategy for dealing with frustration on Blue’s Clues, but hey, it works here, too.) Stop, as in, stop what you’re doing, stop moving, stop thinking … just stop. Breathe, as in close your eyes and take ten slow, deep breaths, clearing your mind and focusing only on the air going in and out of your body. Think, as in think about what you are feeling most overwhelmed about; think about how to simplify your To Do by breaking it down into tiny, doable tasks; think about how better able you are to do your thing when you’re calm, clear, and focused.

When you remind yourself to focus on what’s happening in each moment—not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, but right now—and you stop your mind from spiraling out of control on an emotional bender, you can keep your overwhelm in check.

Images JOURNAL: DIY COACHING— OVERCOMING OVERWHELM

1. What is it about my To Do that is making me feel overwhelmed?

2. How do I feel after I close my eyes, relax my body, and take ten slow, deep breaths, turning off my brain as best I can and tuning in to my body?

3. What are five things I can do to help myself get grounded, stop emotional spiraling, and clear my head so I can be in the moment? (For example, run, listen to music, do yoga, take a nap, or take a shower.)

4. What reality and new truth can I remind myself of when I start to spiral in the vortex of overwhelm? (For example, I have time to get everything done, or I can take things one moment, one day, and one task at a time.)

OBSTACLE: DISTRACTION

What else is competing for your attention as you read this page? An incoming text? Music coming from your brother’s bedroom? The kajillion other things on your mind, like homework, social drama, deadlines, family stuff, and more? Whatever it is, I have no doubt your attention is being tugged at constantly. As a result, distraction is a very real obstacle when it comes to getting things done—even more than you might realize.

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As David Rock describes in his book Your Brain at Work: Strategies for Overcoming Distraction, Regaining Focus, and Working Smarter All Day Long, every time you shift gears and refocus your attention, you lose energy and become less efficient at the next task. “Distractions are not just frustrating; they can be exhausting. By the time you get back to where you were, your ability to stay focused goes down even further as you have even less glucose available now… . Less energy equals less capacity to understand, decide, recall, memorize, and inhibit,” he says. So distractions don’t just disrupt you and throw you off track. They actually make it harder for you to get back to the task, and they prevent you from being fully productive when you finally do. Yikes.

Defense Strategy: Combating the obstacle of distraction is a matter of being aware of the things that typically distract you and finding ways to eliminate or minimize those distractions before you get to work. If you know you can’t resist the pull of your cell phone (even when it’s on vibrate), put it in another room, out of sight and earshot, before you begin. If you can’t focus in your bedroom or the coffee shop, experiment until you find the venue that works for you. If you’re easily distracted by random sounds, try wearing noise-canceling headphones or putting on loud music to help you focus. Get to know your personal distraction reactions and face them head on to create the ideal environment for you to be in the flow.

As I described earlier, author Marni Bates deals with her distraction tendencies by getting out of the house and heading to a coffee shop. Once she’s away from her books and has spent some money on coffee, she can focus on what she’s trying to get done.

Images JOURNAL: DIY COACHING—DEFEATING DISTRACTION

1. What kinds of things tend to distract me when I’m trying to focus and work?

2. How can I combat every distraction on my list? (Brainstorm at least one prevention strategy for each distraction you listed in question 1.)

3. In a perfect world, what would my environment for getting things done look like? (Describe it in as much detail as possible.)

4. How and/or where can I create, modify, or find an environment like the one I just described?

OBSTACLE: NOT ENOUGH TIME

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You’d think everyone knows there are only twenty-four hours in a day, but apparently some people (whether teachers, coaches, parents, or bosses) didn’t get the memo. Because of the amount of things on your plate, it can be challenging to figure out how and when it’s all going to come together. If you’re adding something new to the mix—a new project, a new goal, a new To Do—you have to figure out how and when you’re going to squeeze it all in.

Defense Strategy: It’s important to look at how you spend your time. Are you engaging in time sucks that aren’t moving you closer to what you want to do? I’m not suggesting you eliminate all fun or chill time from your life. On the contrary, I think those things are incredibly important, perhaps never more so than when you’re working toward a big To Do. But it’s the other things—the time scrolling through pics on Instagram, vegging in front of the TV for hours, or spending more time complaining than actually doing—that can get in the way of your hoped-for, productive outcome.

The idea that you don’t have enough time is an obstacle to getting started because you are essentially saying, “It can’t be done.” So the real question then becomes: Is that true? Is it true that you don’t have enough time, or is it that you feel so overwhelmed that There’s not enough time becomes your default setting? If it’s not true, and in reality you do have enough time but you’re caught up in a stress frenzy, just remind yourself, often, that you do have time to get it all done. And when you find yourself engaging in your time suck activities, gently redirect yourself back to the task at hand.

If there really isn’t enough time, then that’s a whole other story. Then you have to get real about your schedule—understand exactly how much time you have for everything you need to do and make some choices to support your would-be accomplishments. Here’s how:

1. Start by making a list of everything on your To Do list, whether it be your school requirements, your job, your chores, your sports or extracurriculars, your social time, your family obligations, your volunteer gigs … whatever.

2. If you’re working on a big To Do that has to take priority, think about what activities you can scale back on in the short term, such as skipping your afterschool clubs when it’s time to focus solely on your midterms. If you’re just looking to reboot your schedule, go through your list and get rid of anything that feels like it doesn’t belong, either because you’ve outgrown it, you’ve lost interest, or it just isn’t that important to you anymore. This is like cleaning out your closet and purging all those clothes you haven’t worn for the past two years. Be honest but brutal. And enjoy. Because eliminating things from your schedule feels really liberating!

3. Take a look at your week. You can make a chart in your journal that looks like the following one, or you can flip to it in your Doable workbook (visit www.debbiereber.com). Write in the obligations you have on different days, along with the approximate chunks of time they take up. For example:

Day of the Week

Obligations/To Dos

Hours/Time

Monday

Volleyball practice

3:30-5:00 PM

Tuesday

Sign Language Club

3:30-4:30 PM

Wednesday

Volleyball practice Piano lessons

3:30-5:00 PM 6:00-7:00 PM

Thursday

Friday

Volleyball practice Movie and out with friends

3:30-5:00 PM 7:00 PM-?

Saturday

Volunteering Babysitting

9:00 AM-NOON 7:00-11:00 PM

Sunday

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What do you notice about your schedule? Which days are more packed than others? On which days do you have wiggle room to devote time and energy to new To Dos? Where can you find pockets of time to make progress on the things you want to accomplish?

Images JOURNAL: DIY COACHING—SCHEDULE REBOOT

1. Is it really true that I don’t have enough time when I’m trying to accomplish something new? Can I come up with any examples of how I might actually have the time but am using it in other, less productive ways?

2. If it is true, what changes can I consider making to clear room in my life for working toward my new goals? What obligations can I cut out or scale back to give me room to prioritize my big To Do?

OBSTACLE: LACK OF INFORMATION

My hunch is that when you know exactly how to do something, you can do it without much stress or uncertainty. (Yes, you may get bored or distracted or lose interest, but you won’t get stuck because of a knowledge gap.) But when the thing you’re trying to accomplish means you have to explore new, uncharted territory, what you don’t know can become your biggest roadblock. The bigger, the hairier, the more aspirational, and the more audacious the goal, the more this obstacle comes into play.

College student Anna Gallagher has an ideal strategy for filling in information gaps. “I like to talk to people who have accomplished the goal that I’m reaching for … people who have gone through the process that I’m going through. Talking to them about what obstacles they have encountered helps me be prepared and maybe avoid some difficulties,” she explains.

Defense Strategy: When lack of information becomes a barrier to moving forward, there are two ways to handle it:

1. Stay stuck in overwhelm because the unknowns you’re facing feel uncomfortable, scary, and too hard to overcome.

Or …

2. Figure out what you need to know in order to do what you want to do, and make a plan to learn it.

Which one would you choose? (I’ll give you a hint: only one option leads to the promised land.)

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Images JOURNAL: DIY COACHING— CLOSING THE KNOWLEDGE GAP

1. What is my style for learning about new things? (For example, research online, read books, ask a mentor, or figure it out on my own.)

2. What is the worst thing that can happen if I move ahead and get stuck because I don’t know what comes next? (Answer honestly here. Would it be the end of the world or just a minor setback?) Is it worth the risk? Can I figure it out as I go along?

3. What resources can I tap into to fill my knowledge gap? What’s my plan for moving forward?

OBSTACLE: LACK OF CONFIDENCE

Confidence is that quality or state of being in which you feel truly capable of doing anything you want to do. If you have lots of it, you’re likely to push ahead no matter the risks or fears, because you feel certain you have what it takes to get it done. If you lack it, you might second-guess yourself to the point that you never get past square one.

It’s hard to believe twenty-year-old Emily-Anne Rigal, founder of the national nonprofit We Stop Hate, could have ever suffered from a lack of confidence, but she did. When she was in elementary school, Emily-Anne was bullied to the point that she switched schools. She found more acceptance in middle school and high school, but she felt driven to do what she could, through YouTube videos and social media, to help teens feel better about themselves. Each video features messages from other teens that remind viewers that they are perfect and worthy just the way they are. In the four years since she launched her idea, Emily-Anne has, among other things, won a World Youth Summit Award, been a Nickelodeon HALO Award Honoree, personally impacted and connected with international celebs like Lady Gaga, and been named one of the 150 Most Fearless Women in the World by Newsweek magazine. Meanwhile, We Stop Hate’s YouTube channel has just tipped the 1 million views mark.

Yet while Emily-Anne was fueled by her passion to build We Stop Hate—she says she worked at creating and growing the nonprofit every free moment of her last years of high school—she had obstacles of her own to conquer. Namely, lack of confidence. As she was trying to build her venture, she had to continuously reach out to people and be persistent in garnering enthusiasm for We Stop Hate, which meant tons of phone calls and emails to people who might have had other things on their minds than her project.

“In the beginning, I found it hard because I didn’t want to bother people. I didn’t want to be that person who emails them a hundred times, because I thought that was obnoxious. So being okay with emailing someone multiple times and following up and not being afraid of bothering them was really hard for me. It’s still a challenge, but now it’s better,” she says.

Emily-Anne found inspiration through an article about Tyra Banks she read in Seventeen magazine, where Tyra says (paraphrasing here) if you can’t get in the front door, then go through the window. If the window’s locked, go through the chimney. The point is … just get in there. “That’s something I think about when I’m feeling stuck,” Emily-Anne says.

Emily-Anne also turns to one of her many mentors for emotional support when she needs a boost of confidence. “Having someone to go to when I’m stuck really helps,” she says. When she’s struggling, her mentor Jeanne is quick to point out things Emily-Anne has overcome and helps her see the big picture. “We both started projects that we were trying to get off the ground, so I felt like we were in the same boat,” Emily-Anne says, adding that their conversations help her feel less alone, more “normal,” and more confident.

Defense Strategy: If low confidence is something you struggle with, practice taking small, safe risks—doings things that are slightly outside your comfort zone but don’t have a true downside if things don’t go your way. For example, you could try a new food, make a new friend, go to the movies alone, sign up for a 5K race, register for a class about a subject you know nothing about … you get the point. Think of these small risks as learning to crawl before you walk and run. With each healthy risk you invest in, you make a deposit in your confidence account.

Images JOURNAL: DIY COACHING—CONFIDENCE CREATION

1. Why do I lack confidence?

2. What are at least five things I’m ridiculously good at?

3. What’s the worst thing that could happen if things don’t go the way I hope?

4. What risks have I taken in the past that turned out okay?

Set Up for Success

In their book Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard, authors Chip and Dan Heath write about what it takes to make a change—whether it’s in a company, in our own lives, or in the world. In their three-step approach to change, the Heath brothers talk about “shaping the path,” which they describe as tweaking our environments to set ourselves up for success. We can apply this same approach to achieve the things we set out to do. When we’re working toward something we know is bound to trigger our usual procrastination tendencies or other obstacles, we can shape our paths by adapting our environments, both externally and internally, to propel us toward success.

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So, where do you stand? Are your defenses built up? Do you have some positive new truths to focus on? Do you have a handful of strategies to use in proactively facing your regular roadblocks? Good. Because chances are, the things that keep you stuck today—whether crappy thinking, overwhelm, or distractions—are the same things that have always gotten in your way. And they’ll continue to do so until you take the time to understand them and decide to change them. Because the truth is, they’re nothing more than habits, just like chewing your fingernails, cracking your knuckles, or perpetually running late. You can change your habits. Not only that, but new habits—better habits—can be formed. It just takes a little practice.

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STEP 3 SUMMARY


It’s clear that getting your mind on board for the task at hand is a huge part of making progress toward any goal. But to truly set yourself up for success, you have to couple your new thinking with being proactive about potential obstacles. But don’t worry—there are defense strategies to plan ahead for what you know is going to come up.

Step 1: Define Your To Do Images

Step 2: Detail the Little Tasks Images

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Step 3: Defend against Obstacles Get to know the kinds of obstacles that typically thwart your awesome plans anytime you’re trying to get something done—overwhelm, distraction, crappy thinking, stress about time, lack of information, lack of confidence, and so on. Then come up with a plan for beating them before they even start. Some keys to mastering this step are:

■ Understand your personal procrastination triggers. What are the usual reasons you put things off? For example, I don’t have enough information, I don’t have enough time, I don’t know how to break it down, I am afraid of screwing up, I don’t have a strategy for getting it done, or I always lose momentum.

■ Use DIY Coaching to overcome procrastination and other obstacles. Your self-coaching looks different depending on the obstacle, but it always includes an exploration of your:

♦ Reasons: Ask yourself why you do what you do (or in some cases, don’t do what you want to do).

♦ Emotions: Explore the not-so-great emotions that accompany those reasons.

♦ Thoughts: Uncover the thoughts that cause those emotions.

♦ Reality: Challenge those thoughts by disputing them.

♦ New Truth: Come up with your new truth.

Remember that you can choose to think about things in a way that is optimistic and propels you forward.

■ Defend against tangible obstacles. These might involve knowledge gaps, scheduling challenges, or environmental distractions. Ask yourself, “How can I prevent myself from stumbling over tangible roadblocks?”