Your Ex-Boyfriend Will Hate This (2015)

Chapter Eight

The Taxonomy of the Asshole

Assholes.

An irritating inevitability of modern life is that the world rewards assholes far more than it should (which is never). Research has shown that people who possess an inflated sense of self-worth (the “deluded asshole” further detailed below) are actually more likely to rise to leadership and management positions in Corporate America.[xviii] The business world also unduly rewards those who engage in chronic attention-seeking behavior (the “egocentric asshole”), also commonly known as “look-at-me!”-ism. (This isn’t a clinically recognized term, but it should be.) Most of us have suffered at least one horrible boss in our lives who was one (or both) of these two obnoxious types—the jackass who constantly criticizes you while ignoring his own glaring flaws, or the ethically-challenged glory hog who takes credit for all your hard work.

Though the world may not be terribly enlightened, there is no reason you shouldn’t be, especially as it pertains to pursuing your own happiness. It’s time to identify these jerks for who they are and extend an urbane and ladylike middle finger in their general direction. Taxonomy refers to “a classification into ordered categories.” Here is an introductory classification for the many taxing (pun intended) varieties of worthless men, beginning with two we’ve already mentioned.

“The Deluded Asshole”

In a joint study conducted by the Ohio State University and the University of Georgia (“Leader Emergence: The Case of the Narcissistic Leader”), researchers found that people with an inflated sense of self-worth first emerged as leaders in scenarios where leadership was lacking.[xix] It makes perfect sense, really. People who think highly of themselves are most likely to assert their dominance and thus their superiority in an effort to lead others. That’s not a problem in itself. The problem emerges when said “leader” lacks the very qualities which he believes gives him the “right” to lead. (The deluded asshole often believes his own success is a natural result of his God-given “talent,” and thus it is his due.) This problem doesn’t affect only the workplace. Many of you’ve likely encountered this guy in your romantic life as well. He’s the one who loves to wax ad nauseam about his vast intelligence, physical gifts, or mastery of something or another. Every guy who ever prattled endlessly about his sexual proficiency and then turned out to be an epic disappointment fits this type.

The deluded asshole would be harmless if delusion were his only problem. Most often, however, this hyper-inflated sense of personal value comes with a hypercritical edge. His own unique “brilliance/talent” casts your own supposed deficiencies in sharper relief, making you the target of constant disapproval. Moreover, he uses his own ludicrous self-image as a way of discounting your own opinions or feelings. You can’t possibly voice a contrary point of view without being dismissed (either quietly or openly) as hopelessly “inferior.”

“The Egocentric Asshole”

This guy doesn’t need much of an introduction. Unless you’ve been wildly lucky, you’ve encountered and perhaps even dated this douchebag. It’s their world, and you’re just walking around in it. Either they weren’t held enough as a child, or they were held too much. They cannot be happy, unless the spotlight is on them. Dating one engages you in a perpetual game of verbal tennis. Any discussion focused on you will be back spun to make it about him. Experienced a hardship in your life? He suffered more. Any funny story you have, he has a funnier one. Anything you’ve done well, he’s done it better. Everything you say or do is merely a preamble to his own words or actions.

Have you ever spoken to someone who you felt wasn’t really listening or absorbing what you were saying, but rather was just waiting for a pause in the action, so that he could talk? This is that guy.

The problems with dating The Egocentric Asshole only emerge if, for instance, you want to be treated like a human being with her own thoughts, ideas, feelings and desires, who deserves respect and consideration. Let’s hope that, by this point in our discussion, you at the very least demand acknowledgment as a human being. However, if you just love to be treated as a mere prop in the movie of someone else’s life, congratulations! There are untold multitudes of Egocentric Assholes out there who would be happy to make use of you.

The majority is encouraged to avoid this idiot like herpes.

“The Vain Asshole”

This guy could almost be a subset of The Egocentric Asshole, since both types are preternaturally fixated on themselves. Yet the distinction between them is worthwhile. If anything, The Vain Guy is more potentially noxious. While both are unlikely to treat you with respect, infidelity isn’t a natural prerequisite for the Egocentric guy. However, it is all but inevitable for the Vain Asshole, since his vanity is like a ravenous animal; it cannot survive without constant feedings. So, while you may appease his need for validation at the beginning, soon it won’t be enough that you find him irresistible. He’ll also need attention from other women, lots of them, and it probably won’t satisfy him to be just the object of their coy flirtation. Flirtation is only harmless for those of us who don’t stake our whole identity on it.

For the Vain Asshole, flirting is never “innocent” or “fun.” It’s serious business, and it will always be more important than you.

I’m including in this category what we will call the “serial seducer” (aka “notches-on-the-bedpost” guy), because his motivation is the same as The Vain Asshole—feeding his ever-precarious sense of self-worth. Whether a particular Vain Asshole is also a serial seducer is a pretty useless distinction. Neither is a good bet for monogamy. It’s less a matter of “Will he cheat?” than “When will he cheat?” For this reason, the dysfunction at the heart of this guy isn’t dangerous only to your emotional well-being, it’s potentially harmful to your health too.

Whereas The Egocentric Asshole should be avoided like herpes, The Vain Asshole should be avoided for likely having herpes.

“The Powerful Asshole”

On paper, dating this captain of industry might sound ideal. As some of you may be saying right now, “At least he has a damned job,” (See “The Lazy Asshole, below.) When the meal check drops, you never have to worry that it will subtly begin to slide your way. This guy goes the other way, treating you to restaurants you not only cannot afford, but where you couldn’t get a reservation if you tried. When you go, you aren’t granted time to review the menu, as he orders a seven-course meal for you both according to the strict dictates of his live-in personal nutritionist. Distant memories are the dates when you were “treated” to a Happy Meal as a “romantic dinner.”

There is a subtle problem hinted at in this dream scenario. As sumptuous as the meal may be, you have no control over it. This is an apt comparison for problems that underlie dating The Powerful Asshole. He wakes up in the morning, puts on a custom-tailored suit, and then goes to a place where he is surrounded by people who are paid to bend to his will. He talks to people all day, every day, brokering deals involving obscene amounts of money. Despite all those countless hours of discussion, there is one word he seldom hears: no.

In addition to being an iron-fisted control freak, The Powerful Asshole is notable for his complete disinterest in the truth. One troubling study by noted psychologist Carrie Keating found that those who rise to positions of power are among the most persuasive liars. To quote her own words, “Our laboratory research has shown that males who are best at the deception task emerge as leaders among their peers.”[xx]

This doesn’t mean every highly successful man is a liar, but for The Powerful Asshole, lying is hardwired into his DNA, and the same natural talent for lying in the boardroom always emerges later in the bedroom. Another key trait of The Powerful Asshole explains his ability to lie so convincingly. He is so absolutely motivated by self-interest that he’s free from guilt, shame, or any reservations that might prevent him from screwing you over.

There is another word for this kind of controlling, pathologically lying, and unrepentant narcissist: sociopath.

“The Lazy Asshole”

Not every woman has dealt with The Powerful Asshole in her dating life, but odds are high you’ve suffered his opposite. Those of you with this experience could form a Greek chorus of shared anger at this shiftless, careless, worthless guy. The latter adjective is particularly apt, and it is more than a figurative description. The Lazy Asshole is often literally worthless. He comes to the relationship with nothing, contributes nothing, and if you’re really lucky, he leaves with nothing.

More often, you don’t get off that easily. Unlike most bad relationships, which leave you with just a vague, inexpressible sense of loss, it’s all too easy to add up the receipts for your time with The Lazy Asshole. These debits include—but are in no way limited to—rent, utilities, car and student loan payments, credit cards, electronics, travel, groceries, and every single restaurant, bar, or movie you ever went to. If this guy had even a shred of decency, he’d encourage you to form a corporation at the beginning of your relationship called “Shit Boyfriend, LLC.” At least then you could write off all the money you wasted on him as a business expense.

The Lazy Asshole can take many forms. He can be a starving artist, a college student, a trust fund kid whose parents have cut the leash, or a failed entrepreneur who refuses to acknowledge that his idea/start-up is unfeasible or just plain dumb. (See also “The Deluded Asshole.”) All the various incarnations of this guy share an unearned sense that the world owes them a living, and since the world seems not to be kicking in its share, you’ll do quite nicely.

In the beginning, The Lazy Asshole usually feigns interest in picking up a check, or at least offers some “temporary” reason he’s unable to do so. Once the fact that you’re paying for everything has been set as the default position, he’ll cease to exhibit even the pretense of putting up his fair share. (See Chapter Eleven, “Writing the Rule Book.”) He may even have the gall to insist it’s his natural right not to contribute, on the basis of some other contribution he made—like the four times he actually cleaned the house while you were at work, or those increasingly infrequent occasions when he can peel his Cheeto-stained ass off the couch long enough to provide you with an orgasm.

These are five of the (relatively) benign types of Asshole to avoid. In the next chapter, we will examine a few that are more than just a waste of your time, love, and energy. They’re the kind of men that can leave bruises—both figurative and literal—that don’t heal so easily or so well.