Rewriting the Rules - Part One - Your Ex-Boyfriend Will Hate This (2015)

Your Ex-Boyfriend Will Hate This (2015)

Chapter Fourteen

Rewriting the Rules - Part One

While working on my undergrad degree in English Lit at Auburn University, I happened across a little-seen indie movie that shaped not only how I approached ideas and issues in my schoolwork, but also how I approached everything from that point forward. The movie was Surviving Desire, and it detailed the quirky and ultimately doomed romance between a frustrated English professor and a precocious female student. It’s essentially a staged play comprised of philosophical musings, tween angst, and more quirk than most people could reasonably be expected to tolerate, and it’s not for everyone. That said, there is a line in the film that has always stuck with me and proven invaluable, as I’ve approached the many problems (both personal and professional) encountered since.

The line comes near the end of the movie, as the professor is in class trying to make sense not only of the work by Dostoevsky he teaches, but also of the crushing heartbreak he has just experienced. He’s in a kind of punch-drunk fog that particularly infuriates one student in his class, who just wants information to help him pass the upcoming exam.

“Tell me something,” the student angrily implores. “Give me answers I can use on the test.”

The professor muses on this for a moment and then says, “The answers aren’t as important as learning to ask the questions better.”

This is a recurring theme in our book. In “Buyers and Sellers,” we talked about switching the usual man-centric questions (“Will he call?”) to ones that actually address your needs and desires (“Do I want him to call, and why?”). In the last chapter, we discussed the secret biases that can guide our foolish decisions. Take a hard look at the worksheet you completed, which asks you some important questions.

What kind of man do I want?

Am I getting that kind of man?

If I’m not getting him, why not?

If I’m close, what changes do I have to make to find true fulfillment?

If I’m not close, why do I consistently make poor choices in potential mates?

If I’m completely honest, what do my poor choices reveal about me?

Again, there aren’t any right or wrong answers here. The idea is to pose questions that make overt the reasons and codes of behavior that have largely remained hidden until now. In Blink, Gladwell points out the power of our subconscious in governing our actions, but that doesn’t mean we’re incapable of change. On the contrary! By asking ourselves the hard questions, we begin to transform who we are.

One of the most often quoted sayings is actually one of the most misquoted. It’s originally found in George Santayana’s The Life of Reason, and it goes like this:

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

Santayana died six decades before Blink was published, and though it’s based on a different perspective, the quote illustrates the same point found in Gladwell’s work. Failure to acknowledge the underlying forces behind our choices condemns us to a life in stasis, a feedback loop that repeats to infinity.

Your romantic past is simply that. It’s not bad or good. It simply is. You can choose to view it with resignation or shame over the choices you’ve made. You can refuse to acknowledge that your past even exists. Our democracy ensures your right to remain steadfastly foolish, ridiculous, deluded, and/or self-loathing. If this is your preference, I salute your misguided integrity. It’s probably not too late to exchange this book for a copy of The Rules.

Tell Amazon I said it was okay.

There’s another, healthier way to look at your romantic past that doesn’t involve shame or sticking your head in the sand. Instead, look at your past as a fascinating mystery novel, with you as the plucky heroine. Examined closely, your past is positively littered with clues to the great mysteries of the men you choose, why you choose them, why you’re unsatisfied, and what you need to change. Like the movie quote I mentioned says:

“The answers aren’t as important as learning to ask the questions better.”

Throughout your life, you’ve been told by countless individuals that there are “rules” about dating. Don’t do this, don’t say that, don’t make the first move, don’t talk about certain things, and don’t express what you really feel. To paraphrase another famous quote, “The world offers an abundance of good advice and a scarcity of good examples.” Do any of those people who insist upon inflexible dating “rules” lead by example? Is there even one ideal relationship to be found among the lot of them?

As goofy as it is, Fein and Schneider’s dating book does serve two purposes—first (and foremost), as a wellspring of unintended comedy; second, as a pretty good checklist for all of the sexist “rules” you’ve been told. So let’s take another look at some of its “time-tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right!” (Okay, I added the silly punctuation mark that time, but it seems appropriate.)

Don’t Talk to a Man First (and Don’t Ask Him to Dance).

This one is particularly amusing to me, as it flies directly in the face of everything I’ve ever heard from nearly every decent male I’ve ever spoken to. Nearly all of the good guys I’ve encountered in my life (and today I consider myself one of them) have lamented the lack of initiative demonstrated by most women.

Ladies, I know that at some point in your life, your family or your friends or the dumb gender-biased culture in which you live have reinforced the notion that it’s the man’s responsibility to make the first move. To all of you, I say it’s time to cast off these shackles of dating oppression and stand up and join your sisters worldwide, with your voices united in declaring: Screw that bullshit; I’m gonna introduce myself to that cute guy!

The very first step in taking control of your future happiness is to do just that—take control. Of everything. And that includes talking to the guys you want to talk to, when you want to talk to them. If the guy is still stuck in the Stone Age and thinks it “improper” or “unladylike” for you to make the first move, encourage him in a proper and ladylike way to get lost. He doesn’t need you; he needs a grey flannel suit, a fedora, and a time machine set for 1954.

Don’t Stare at Men or Talk Too Much.

First off, this rule sounds like advice a judge would give someone with a history of stalking charges and pending restraining orders. As a recommendation, it says more about the authors than anyone who might be reading their book. Rule of thumb: if the advice is so creepy that it makes you want to do a background check on the authors, ignore it.

Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls.

In the dating world described by the authors, I guess you’re supposed to get to know New Guy via telekinesis or something. Or maybe they had such a huge beef with AT&T that they tried to launch an insidious anti-phone smear campaign. Hell, maybe the writers were Nostradamus-level prophets who, in 1995, foresaw the emergence of texting, email, and Facebook as the preferred modes of future communication.

I’m trying to come up with ways to give them the benefit of the doubt, given that this advice is asinine. We still live in a world where humans usually need to get to know each other a little before they have sex, commit to serious relationships, get married, and propagate the species. Since we can’t do this by rubbing our wings together or unfurling our brilliant plumage, talking is pretty important.

Now I know the authors mostly intend you follow these dumb provisos at the beginning of a relationship, but that seems even more antithetical to common sense. Communication is crucial in the initial stages of courtship. It’s how you differentiate the keepers from the stragglers. If you have little in common with New Guy, he doesn’t seem to listen, he always turns the conversation toward himself, and he doesn’t share your core interests/values/views/etc., don’t waste time on him. There are others out there who represent a better use of your time and energy.

As we discussed, most of The Rules (the book) and “the rules” (everything you’ve been told you must do as a woman) are predicated on the idea that you need an elaborate smokescreen of mystery, feminine guile, and misdirection to have someone love you. If the authors of the book were honest, they would consolidate all their advice about talking to men and revealing yourself into one all-encompassing rule that reads:

Do everything you can to avoid letting him know the real you, or you’ll be completely screwed.

Let me give it to you from the perspective of a guy who doesn’t view courtship as a senseless game of cat-and-mouse: my phone works just like yours, so I assume you’ll use it the same way I do. The encouragement to rarely return calls is particularly irksome. I have a descriptor for that behavior, and it isn’t “mysterious.” It’s “really damned rude.”

Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday.

This is the first bit of advice that, while needlessly arbitrary, is at least based in common sense. Don’t let a man take you for granted. In fact, try not to let anyone take you for granted. You’re a special person and should be accorded respect and admiration for those unique qualities that make you who you are. But that doesn’t mean that any man who calls you after Tuesday to invite you to dinner equates you with a whore turning tricks in back alleys to feed her meth habit.

Life is hectic, messy, and imminently flexible. Circumstances change. Setting down immutable rules for anyone’s behavior, especially something as frivolous as the timing of date invitations, is a recipe for frustration and disappointment. As with all the advice in this book, consider the situation rationally and trust your gut. If his invitations to get together seem like an afterthought when other plans fall through, move on. And if the best you can say about him is that his date requests are punctual, also move on.

Fill Up Your Time Before The Date.

That’s right, ladies. Don’t circle your apartment in a boy-crazy tizzy for eight hours, before he picks you up. Honestly, I don’t know why the advice stops here. Here are some other helpful similar suggestions the book left out:

Don’t try to bend time with your mind to make the date come faster.

Staring into the mirror and saying your date name three times won’t make your date suddenly appear.

Remember to breathe, both in and out. This is an important survival technique to ensure you’re alive when your date arrives.

Scrawling “Mr. & Mrs. (Date Last Name)” all over the walls of your apartment in crayon until your date shows up isn’t appropriate.

Try to distract yourself from the only reason you were put on this earth: to have boys like you.

In the next chapter, we’ll debunk a few more Rules and “rules” for your edification and entertainment.