The Bingo Theory: A revolutionary guide to love, life, and relationships - Mimi Ikonn (2016)

Part II. The Four Types

Chapter 6. MASCULINE STRENGTH FEMALE

THE MASCULINE STRENGTH FEMALE is someone close to my heart because it’s the quadrant that I fall into! Competitive, driven, ambitious and decisive, we are the type of women you’ll see in the boardroom and in the gym. We push ourselves hard, but that can come at a price.

Let me tell you about my friend, Chloe.

As a child Chloe was a tomboy. She climbed trees, ran track and was always happier hanging out with boys than girls. She didn’t wear her lip-gloss until she was at college. She was definitely not one of those girls who hung out in the mall. In fact, she couldn’t see the point of shopping at all. What a giant waste of time!

If she had her way, Chloe would live in jeans and sweats all the time. She sees clothes as nothing more than functional. As she got older, however, she accepted that it was important to look her best. She decided that twice a year she would go shopping with a girlfriend to buy all her clothes, and that would be it - she’d be done. Life is too short to spend it in fitting rooms. It was a typical Chloe move - practical and efficient; get the job done and move on.

She had more important things to think about, like her career. After graduating near the top of her class at law school, Chloe got a job at a very big firm. She beat a lot of competition in order to get this opportunity.

Both of Chloe’s parents also worked in law and were hugely successful. Growing up, she did not see them much. In her family the message was clear: work was everything.

She works long hours. She’s even been known to sleep in the office. Colleagues describe her as The Machine; she just keeps going. Friends joke that her apartment looks like nobody lives in it: the fridge is always empty except for the juice and fruit that her cleaner leaves for her.

There is talk of Chloe making partner soon-which will make her one of the youngest partners in the history of her company. It all looks great from the outside, but she never feels like she’s doing enough.

In her personal life, Chloe is the one that everyone relies on - she organizes her friends’ birthday parties and members of her family turn to her for advice. She knows how to stay calm in a crisis. She can make decisions and isn’t afraid of confrontation. People frequently describe her as their rock.

But who is there for Chloe? She’s so capable nobody ever thinks that she might need support. But she does. The truth is she’s having a hard time.

Chloe used to thrive on the challenges of her work and her ability to do it all but now she wakes up exhausted and anxious. She wants a holiday but work is too busy at the moment.

Friends tell Chloe she needs to relax, but who has time for that? She’s tried yoga and liked it, but because of work demands she can’t commit to a class every week. Instead, she runs. And she pushes herself further and further on her runs. In fact, she’s training for the New York City Marathon next year.

All of Chloe’s running and working and being there for everyone should make her feel complete. Instead, it keeps her so busy that she can’t think about the one big hole in her life - a boyfriend. She wants to get married and start a family but it isn’t happening.

Chloe’s been single for the last two years. She’s done some online dating but nothing serious. She finds it hard to meet her match. She thinks that guys are intimidated by her success. She jokes that she needs someone more Alpha than her-but those guys are hard to find.

If Chloe were to pick two words to describe her, the words would be intelligent and confident. And she is. The Masculine Strength Female is clear thinking, loyal and practical. She’s ambitious, hard working and driven in her career. Her work means a lot to her and she’s proud of the fact that she can do anything a man can do—and then some.

When you read about a female CEO who juggles long hours and family, she’s probably a Masculine Strength Female. She’s focused and decisive; she gets the job done. When people say “I don’t know how you do it,” she’ll answer, “I don’t know - I just do.” End of story. She doesn’t have time to talk about her life, she’s too busy living it.

Here are some of her traits:

Tomboy

As a child Chloe was a tomboy. She preferred male company to female company. This is very common for the Masculine Strength Female. She prefers more active, adventurous play than the more feminine activities, like talking and playing with dolls. As she gets into her teens, she tends to hang out with guys and doesn’t see why other girls act so silly around the opposite sex. She also doesn’t understand how her Feminine Strength friends can spend hours doing nothing more than putting on make-up.

Athletic

Like many Masculine Strength Females, Chloe is naturally athletic in her physique and in her interests - she loves running. Many Masculine Strength Females will have higher levels of testosterone than other women, and this might cause them to have broader shoulders and a straight, up-and-down body. They tend to like competitive, intense sports.

Ambitious

The Masculine Strength Female is usually very career-driven. It’s not just money that motivates her though; she wants to leave her mark on the world, to smash the glass ceiling. Very often the Masculine Strength Female becomes frustrated by the sexism they perceive at work. They know they are just as capable as men, and get angry when this is not acknowledged. Both Chloe’s parents were very driven in their career (they were Masculine Strength people) and so she absorbed the message that work is important.

Independent

The Masculine Strength Female wants to do things her own way. She won’t follow anyone’s lead. She’s a bit of a rebel. She’s hugely independent—in her thinking and in the way she lives. She has her own money, her own pension, and her own home. She never wants to rely on a man to provide her with anything. She can do that herself, thank you very much. She takes great strength in feeling in control over her life. She makes the decisions, she makes the plans.

Reliable

The Masculine Strength Female is reliable. She does what she says she’s going to do. She sticks to the plan. She’s not the kind of person to cancel at the last-minute or change her mind. If she said she’ll be there, she’ll be there—mind you, that also means she gets annoyed with her less reliable Feminine Strength friends when they turn up late and change plans.

Honest

While Feminine Strength Females tend to be people-pleasers, the Masculine Strength Female is honest. She’s the kind of person who will tell you if your bum actually does look big in those jeans, or if you look like you’re wearing a tent. This isn’t always fun to hear, but her honesty makes her a wonderful friend. She has the courage to tell you things that other people won’t.

Kind

The Masculine Strength Female’s honesty is not bitchiness - far from it. She’s a true friend. She’s kind, loyal and generous. She always wants to help the people in her life. She might not spend hours listening to your problems-she doesn’t have the patience for that—but she will do all she can to help in practical ways. She’ll turn up with a van to help you move. She’ll create spreadsheets to help you sort out your finances. She’ll use her clear and logical thinking to help you assemble the most complicated flat-pack furniture. She loves the challenge. She’s a doer.

Can’t Relax

The problem for the Masculine Strength Female is that she does not know how to stop ‘doing’. She goes to work even when she’s sick. She’s not the kind to sit on the sofa on the weekend. She’s always off doing something. If she’s not working on her to-do list, she feels lazy and unproductive. She’s very hard on herself and finds it hard to relax and have fun.

Finds It Hard To Express

The Masculine Strength Female can also find it hard to express herself, especially emotionally. She isn’t one for talking for hours, and she knows that her friends sometimes wish she’d just listen to them rather than tell them what to do. At work, she has a reputation for being blunt—but she sees that as a double standard. Men get praised for being direct while she gets accused of being abrupt.

Lacks Empathy

The Masculine Strength Female (and Male) also finds it a challenge to understand and relate to other people’s feelings. Friends always tell her that things are not as black and white as she makes them out to be. But she doesn't understand how other people make things so confusing and emotional. She has a brain that sees systems and solutions - not feelings. She has the systemizer brain, according to Professor Baron-Cohen’s theory.

Controlling

The Masculine Strength Female can be authoritative. She gets annoyed when people don’t do what she tells them to do—especially when it’s in their own interest. She likes to be in control and hates it when she’s not. She can also be possessive of her friends - the masculine energy likes to own things.

Impatient

The Masculine Strength Female gets impatient when things don’t go her way - whether that’s at work or in her personal life. When dating isn’t going her way, it drives her crazy. She approaches love the same way she does every other area in her life—as a problem she can fix with enough clear thinking. But love doesn’t seem to work that way.

Can You Relate?

Do you recognize yourself in any of Chloe’s behavior? Do you push yourself too hard, to the extent that you’re cut off from your feelings? Are you so serious and ambitious that you’ve stopped taking time to relax and have fun?

Remember that not all Masculine Strength Females are the same. There is a spectrum of masculinity - just as there is a spectrum of femininity. You might fall on the extreme end, as Chloe does, or you might be more balanced.

As a Masculine Strength Female, you might argue that you are very playful and loving - and that you’re not serious and focused all the time. Of course you are! That’s your feminine energy coming out.

In Chloe’s case, she may be impatient with friends and at work, but she is very patient, playful and nurturing with her young niece. Children and animals bring out her feminine energy. They open up her heart to love.

As I keep saying, it’s important to understand that we all have both masculine and feminine energy in us. You’re not one or the other energy - you’re both. It’s just that most of us have developed one of these energies more than the other-whether through nature or conditioning. I will keep repeating this throughout the book because it’s very important that you understand this.

The purpose of this book is to balance your masculine and feminine energies so that you can draw on both energies equally in order to lead a full and healthy life.